A week ago, I attended a bridal shower in Lesotho with my
sister. This was not your usual type of bridal shower, or my idea of one. When
I hear the word bridal shower what comes to mind is a kinky theme, girls gone
wild and drinks all night. Sort of like celebrating your last weekend as a
single woman. This one was different though as majority of attendees were the
bride's family: mother, aunts, grannies
etc. The friends only made up 5% of the total number. I was already yawning
when we got there because I expected it to be boring.
Speeches we made by the elders to congratulate the bride to
be, we ate and had champagne. Had dessert and even went for a second helping.
Though the shower didn't fit the script of the norm I ended up enjoying myself
and learning so much. Then they had that part where all the married elders go
to a secluded room with the bride to be to give her pearls of wisdom for the
chapter she is about to embark on. Since I had my glimpse of marriage in the
past, I ticked myself fit to be part of that meeting. I was curious about what
goes on in there. You see some of us never had the pleasure of experiencing
such, we just jumped into the deep end and thought we would learn to swim along
the way and MAYBE that's why we drowned.
I loved how the lady who opened the conversation started,
when she said, "we are not here to scare you but to prepare you for the
journey ahead. Remember everyone who will be speaking will do so depending on
their context and their view of marriage. You don't have to take everything you
hear but pave your own foundation in your own marriage." That spoke
volumes to me, not taking anything away from the experience of elders and what
years in a marriage may have taught them, sometimes they expect what they say
to be taken as the only truth of what being married can be and that is not
always a true reflection.
The elders then began to share their thoughts. Everything
from the importance of humility, standing your ground, building your own
traditions and customs as a new family, how to handle your in laws, submission
and how to deal with affairs if and when they arise in your marriage. What
stood out for me is how giving in on your marriage was never made an option.
What do you do if you have really tried all you could but it still doesn't
work? But more than that it spoke to how our generation lacks tolerance and the
patience to stick through it during the rough patches. Several women spoke
about the first and second honeymoon. The first one being right after the
wedding and the second one being years into the marriage when you have faced
the storms together and hated each other and acted out of character but somehow
found your way back to each other and the love that initially brought you
together in the first place.
So I learned, marriage is not a bed of roses and the tough
times are not always an indication that you should give up. Sometimes you just
need to stay put and hold on and God can help you pass the storm. I was sitting
there thinking why is it only married women who are allowed to partake in this
discussions because there is so much single ladies, especially those aspiring
to marriage can learn through these talks. Why only be prepared a few weeks
before the wedding when these pearls of wisdom are needed even prior to the
wedding date? Not only to prepare you for getting married but possibly also to
tell if you are ready or not and if you really willing to do all that is said
to be the foundation for a good marriage.
In the same breath I wondered if men were also taken
through the same process just before marriage or it was expected only from the women.
Something that came up quite frequently in what was said is how a woman is
responsible for building her home. I suppose that's a fact but does it take
responsibility away from the role and part that the man needs to play? You can
only do so much as a woman. If the man is not prepared or equipped, no amount
of preparation and words can help the woman succeed because this is not a fight
you engage in solo. I think both men and women should go through this
preparatory phase and maybe the institution of marriage has a better chance of
succeeding. A boxer can have all the preparation before a fight but if he is
going to go into the ring alone can he really say he has won? You need an
opponent to fight with to claim victory but in the case of marriage, the other
party is not your opponent but someone who will fight equally hard to ensure
that both of you win and your marriage wins
