A few years
ago one of my friends introduced me to The Invitation, a poem written by Oriah
Mountain Dreamer. I went on to buy the book with the same title in which the
poem is explained and explored in detail. It is one of those books that I
always go to when I need to reflect and just question myself and where I am in
life.
"It
doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you
can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation
of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore
trustworthy."
The above
hits me everytime when I read it because we place loyalty on this pedestal and
though it is important to have and show loyalty, should it come at the expense
of betraying ourselves? Should our primary aim be to keep the peace with others
even when the decisions we make and actions we take to keep that peace causes
us inner conflict?
With maturity
and experience I have come to realise that school missed to teach us on the
importance of validating ourselves. We don’t know how to pour into ourselves
and this causes us to constantly seek others to fill us even when what they
fill us with is poisonous, then we turn around and we are shocked at why we
have become such bitter and vile people. We are socialized to be communal in
our thinking and if we attempt to stand up for what works for us as
individuals, we are frowned upon and seen as the bad guys. In the bigger scheme
of things, it may seem like a noble act that we think of others before we act
or make decisions but the danger comes in where it indirectly teaches us that
we need to the approval of others before we can make decisions about things
that matter to us. It builds dependence that others have to approve and affirm
us and how we live otherwise we live in doubt of ourselves.
It has become
increasingly important for me now to cultivate an acceptance of self because I
want what people give me to be a bonus and not what I need to survive. If your
survival depends on the affirmations and approval of others, your behaviour is
automatically altered not to be what you are at peace with but to become more
of what they approve of and applaud. I have also observed through people that I
believe live for the validation of others, that I did not want to be that
person nor do I want to live my life in constant hunger and need for others to
validate who and what I am and what I do.
There are a
few dangerous elements that come with being a person that is always seeking the
approval of others and I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing it
first had over the last few months.
1. People who seek validation are not
trustworthy
They can not
only lie with ease but they are loyal to whoever and whatever feeds their
hunger for applause and validation in that moment and if they have to betray anyone
to get what they crave, they will do so without feeling any guilt. When they
are with this person or group, they say what they need to say and do to fit in
even if it contradicts what they had just said to another person or group the
day before. You cannot trust these people, sad but they will hurt you without
as much as looking back to see the damage that they have caused.
2. People who seek validation do not know
themselves
There is no
way that they can because in any situation or group, these are the people that
you find going in whichever direction that the wind is blowing. They will not
stand up for how they feel or even express their personal views especially so
if it means that they may have to stand alone because others do not agree with
them. They either do not know what they want or who they are or they suppress
what they know about themselves to be affirmed by those whose opinions they
value. They pretend very well – they can be anything depending on who they are
with.
3. People who seek validation buy their way
around
It is hard to
develop genuine relations with people who seek validation, if they are not
buying love, they are saying and doing things that they should not, that they
do not believe in – just because they want to belong and be loved by certain
people. They do not see themselves as worthy of being love for nothing else
than who they genuinely are, flaws and all.
4. People who seek validation will never feel
bad for betraying you because they have betrayed themselves too many times to
count
We often want
to hold people accountable for falling short of acting in ways that we approve
of, when they hurt us we want answers and we seek to understand or justify the
very behaviour that has caused us pain. When dealing with people who seek
validation, aiming to hold them accountable for their actions or lack thereof
is futile because it is easy to betray others when you have betrayed yourself
countless times before. How can we expect that someone that has failed to be
true to themselves to be true to others?
We need to
make the conscious decision to pour into ourselves because the level that we
have met ourselves on will determine the level on which we can meet others. It
should be a requirement that is just as important as taking care of ourselves
physically and externally, we need to invest into loving and affirming
ourselves, accepting ourselves whilst acknowledging the flaws that we still
want to work on. Anything that we hope to get from others, we should first cultivate and be able to give to ourselves - in that way we recognise if the price is too much to pay for what others are giving us. If it causes us to suppress who we are, takes away our voices and turns out into beings that have to betray themselves in order not to be betray others - then the price is too hefty to take a gamble on.
