ENVY DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO CELEBRATE OTHERS

I had a lengthy chat not so long ago with one of my close friends over the phone, about friendship and whether people really needed to be similar to be friends. Do we need to like the same music, the same type of men or even have the same fashion sense? While it is a good thing that you have something in common with the people that you call friends, I have found that most people that I draw near to are those whose hearts I relate with. My circle of friends is made up of all kinds of people, a rainbow of personalities and beliefs that sometimes cause conflict of interests.

Anyways, while chatting with my friend about this particular topic, something about people feeling the need to alter themselves to be accepted, trying to be what you feel others will approve of etc. That led to the question of whether we can really ever be happy for other people while secretly trying to be them, like them? I am not sure what the difference is, but I would like to think that there's a difference between looking up to someone, admiring them, for whatever reason and trying to be like them. I admire my friend, Odwa Gogo because she works in a field that I would give an arm and a leg to work in, psychology. But other than that, we totally opposite beings who have just found a way to co-exist and be friends. I look up to Uyanda Mbuli for her fashion sense and shoe collection but that shouldn't mean that I will go out and buy every outfit that she has. The part I admire about other people, should ultimately come together with my unique traits, to make me the person that I am.

What I mean is that, when you look yourself in the mirror and read through your life goals, your plans, those are the things that should give an indication of who you are. People should not look at your dress sense, the way you talk, laugh and act and see someone else (the person that you are trying to mimic). There is obviously something that draws us to the people we like, the people we spent time with, they have something that draws us and in turn, we too should have something that draws them to us. We cannot have that, while we busy suppressing all of who we are because we want to be like other people.

There is a reason why we are all called to be unique, it means that no one person will be like another, even identical twins are different in what they like and what makes them tick. We should see ourselves as being worthy enough to be liked for the people that we are, not because we had to suppress what we want and like, to be validated by other people. The people who cannot appreciate you for the real you, are the people that you don't need in your life.

Which leads me back to the question.....can we really ever be happy for other people while we trying to outdo them, be like them etc. I think that there is a very thin line, that we all need to be aware off and never cross. Sometimes at trying to reach certain levels that those around us have reached, we end up envious and that means that we are not able to wholeheartedly share in the achievements of others. If a friend buys a car today and you automatically want one, not even being aware of how long they saved to get that car, what sacrifices they had to make, it simply means you are living in the envy that pushes you to do better than the next person, rather than congratulate and be happy for someone else.

In an attempt to be all that we can be, in searching for role models and people who inspire us, we should not lose sight of that which makes us different from everyone else. And of all the traits, habits and characteristics that we model from others, who we are on our own should still reign supreme, not the person that we think everyone else around us wants us to be. We need to learn to celebrate the achievements and milestones of others without making it about us, without feeling the need to take shortcuts in life, just to be on the same level as others. Remember to dance to your own music, not the beat that is created for someone else.

DREAMS THAT KEEP US ALIVE

Last year I had the pleasure of attending the annual Dream Week at Christian Revival Church. Although I am not a member at this church, I make it a point to attend this annual conference because of the powerful speakers that they invite to give sermons every year. What has stood out for me over the years is that the sermons sound more like motivational talks than sermons and that is what I love about them. So last year was no different, I went because one of my favourite pastors, Ps Chris Hill was going to be one of the speakers.




Of all the sermons he gave during that week long conference, the one that particularly stood out for me, was the sermon he gave on rekindling our dreams. He went on to say that when life has thrown everything our way to defeat us, we should bounce back like a tennis ball that been hit against a wall and bounce back higher than the level we were when we were thrown off balance.

I've lost count of the many times that it has happened to me or the people egard the very things that made us want to wake up in the mornings, we listen to all the voices that we were taught to ignore, those voices that said we will never be good enough, the voices that said that our dreams are crazy and impossible to attain.


We start to live a life of settling, settling for a paying job, a nice enough house, a career path that doesn't make us happy, as long as it pays the bills. It seems better to postpone chasing our dreams because the timing is not right, we have children to feed, family to look after, so the postponement turns to totally forgetting what it is that kept us alive. We go on living, for everyone else around us but neglect to take care of ourselves. Somehow what we want is not as important anymore as opposed to the needs of everyone else around us.


You wake up everyday, you smile and laugh and do what you must and it appears you are happy but the truth is, a large part of who you are is suppressed, hidden beneath the surface, melting under the pressure of obligations and duty. The very dreams that make you crazy, that made you want to do well at school, those were the dreams that formed a part of who you are. And in most cases, the dreams engraved in us correspond to the purpose we have been created for. So when we deny these dreams, its almost like we are turning a blind eye to the purpose we are meant to fulfill.



It was a lunch date with a friend this afternoon that acted as a prompt for me. We were casually chatting about her new job and relationships when she said...."I am chasing my dreams, the dreams of my boys and I don't need someone to drag me down." I am not sure she realised the impact that those words had on me, at that exact moment. Not only has she decided to do what she's always wanted to do, to build a legacy for her children, she also acknowledged in the sentence, the importance of surrounding yourself with people who will support your dreams and those who will build you up.



I needed that little reminder to go after what I want, to chase my dreams and more importantly, to share my dreams with people who will support me no matter who crazy I sound. Those who will give me the platform to be me and in that way, work towards attaining my God-given purpose. Whether it is the dreams we had as little ones or the ones we developed as we matured, we should preserve the dreams that kept us alive. But more than preserve them, we should actively work towards attaining them.

MUST HAVE CONVERSATIONS

Being a big mouth has gotten me into trouble more than once, all my life for as long as I can remember, being honest and frank has not gotten me the respect I thought was owed to me, instead I found myself having to apologise numerous times when all I did was be honest. I have always maintained that I want people to tell me the absolute truth, whether they thought it would hurt or not, I simply did not want to be protected by lies or omission, so it only made sense that I give people the same truth that I seeked from them.

It was important to be true to me and that meant sometimes having conversations with people on things they did not really want to discuss or tell them things they were not ready to hear or didnt want to hear. Throughout the years, the one thing that has remained constant is the fact that, people claim to want the truth but they are not able to handle it, when they do get it. So we just say, hurt me with the truth than protect me with your lies but actually what we mean is that, as long as the truth does not contradict anything that I believe then you can share it.

Its all fine and dandy to turn a blind eye to things that may happen, to simply pretend not to know or not to care and to protect those we love by omitting facts and opinions that we know they would rather not hear but once in a while, we come across those really hard conversations to have. The kind when you find out some information that you wish you hadnt discovered and you are left with the burden of revealing the secret or taking it to your grave. It could be anything from discovering that your friend's husband is having an affair, or that a cousin of yours is stealing money from your grandmother. Sometimes we across things that we really cannot keep to ourselves, as much as we dont want to hurt the people around us, we simply cannot turn a blind eye to the truth that we discover.

The hardest part is not knowing whether the person you about to reveal the secret to will appreciate it or whether they will feel that their life was better off not having being told. Then you have those truths that threathen to destroy your relationship, friendship or family life if they are confronted. So you try to pretend that everything is okay and go on about life as if everything was fine, thats where I differ considerably with alot of people, I think. I cannot for the life of me pretend that everything is okay when its not, I cannot learn something about you today and go to bed with the same light weight that I woke up with that same day.

I seek the truth and when I find the truth, I confront it even if the confrontation could get ugly. I just cannot live with the burden of things not said and anger carried towards someone who does not even know that they did you wrong. Have I lost people for being truthful? Fortunately not, they may throw their toys out the cot and become angry for a few days but its always gone back to an amicable agreement. Yet funny enough, the many times I did try to turn a blind eye to situations, when I was wronged but tried to keep it in, I ended up being bitter and resentful and the feelings I harboured inside eventually led me to distancing myself from people. At times it was really over silly and simple matters, other times it was things that weighed me down and were serious to me.

Either way, whether serious or not, I found that when I looked back months or years later, I had lost friends or lovers not because I spoke out but because I tried to keep the peace by pretending that everything is fine, eventually, it was not the truth that killed it but the burden of the pretence. This blog is a result of days of searching, wondering whether I really needed to tone myself down if I wanted to keep certain people in my life. Maybe as my mentor once said, I have too strong a personality and not everyone appreciates that and sometimes being outspoken doesnt work for everyone and that I need to tone down. I considered it, I wanted to try it but sitting here now, I realise that if I did, I wouldnt be me, I wouldnt be what I was designed to be.

The truth may get me into trouble at times, the truth may push certain people away but thats okay, its the once that were not meant to be in my life anyway because it would mean that they tried to suppress a fundamental core of the person that I am. Some conversations are hard to have but how well we move on and adjust lies solely in being able to address the grey lines and say out loud what others dare to sweep under the carpet. I cant apologise for that.

LIFE IS NOT PERMANENT

We spent so much of our time on earth worrying about things that dont really matter, we miss most of our lives because we are preoccupied with a future that may not even happen. How sad it is, that life always has to throw some major curveball our way in order for us to stop and just embrace life and live in the moment. We hear about the death of a loved one and we are shocked at the reality that life is so fragile and so short, that really none of us are gauranteed to live well into our 70s.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fragile child. Referring to my health that is, I always blamed my mother for having me at such a late stage in her life for my weak immune system. I grew up being the child that always had flu, was away from school etc because something or the other was wrong with me. My immune system or lack thereof soon became the latest joke amongst my circle of friends and around my family. I would get ill from the strangest things, most of these usually associated with elders or aging. Getting ill was definately something that I had to make peace with from an early age, frequent visits to the Dr became a norm to me.

I was okay with it, I had gotten to that stage where I know my weaknesses and the names of the pills I had to take in order to be okay or live a relatively normal life. Nothing seemed to scare me anymore, I was popping pills like I was drinking water. It was really that normal to me.

Towards the end of last year, I started getting these severe abdominal pains that I didnt really take seriously, because I had given birth via c-section. I just assumed that the pain was normal, maybe a sign that I had not completely healed. So I took pills and more pills and blamed the weather for my pain. Someone had once told me that, if you have an operation, cloudy or cold weather could possibly make it ache. It made sense to me because these pains seemed to correspond with that type of weather. Going to the doctor was not an option because I convinced myself that with time, the pain would get better.

That was until I started getting stomach cramps about a week ago. Even then, I really just ignored any sign that I needed to go to the Dr until a colleague forced me to. I had a sonar done and some tests and was told to come back on Friday for the results. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart, somehow I felt that my legs were unable to carry me to the Dr's office and more than that, I had spent a sleepless night playing the outcome of the results in my head. Preparing myself for the worst.

That turned out to be such a futile exercise though, how does one prepare for something that they dont even know? Nothing could have ever prepared me for the news that I have a cancerous growth in my womb. Even as I write this, it feels like I am talking about someone else. At my age? How can it really be? It just feels like the whole world has fallen on my shoulders.

In that moment when I got these news, none of the things I was angry about or worried about mattered. I could only think of my daughter and what all this meant for her and whether I would live long enough for me to raise her, to see her bloom. I dont want to sound defeated or hopeless but this is really one of those life changing events that remind you that life is so fragile and short, that none of us are gauranteed that forever with the ones we love. Its not about living a reckless life but ensuring that we make the best of the time that we have been borrowed. Tomorrow may be your last day on earth, think about what type of legacy you want to leave.....what memories you want to engrave in the hearts of those you share your life with.

I am left wondering, whether the life I am living today is representive of the type of memories and legacy I want to live. Pushed by the fact that tomorrow may be too late to right the wrongs I have made and therefore, today is the only day that I have to try and make the right choices, to live in a manner that says to my daughter, your mother did the best that she could.

THE DATING GAME

A friend and I were chatting about men the other day, over a few glasses of a red drink. The dating scene has changed drastically over the past years, from running to the house phone every time it rang hoping it would be your crush calling, to listening out for his whistle from outside because he couldn’t come into your yard (those raised by black parents will relate) and you had no cell phone, so that was his only way of alerting you of his presence. Then we had cell phones, those big ones that didn’t even fit into the pockets of your jeans and now the era of smart phones and social media (facebook, twitter and the likes) and who can forget that oh so convenient BBM and whatsapp. We have made tremendous progress, you would think with all these improvements the type of men we meet would have also improved. That is unfortunately not the case, well so my friends tell me because thank God, I have been out the dating scene for a while. By that I mean that I am in a steady and committed relationship and hopefully the halo over my head stays right there.

 

You know how long it took you to finally figure out who you are and what makes you tick? And sometimes everything that you think you know about yourself finds itself under some scrutiny that makes you doubt it all, now imagine trying to learn about someone else and what makes them tick and for all that work to go down the drain when you break up and you meet yet another person that you have to start from scratch with. Wouldn’t life just be easier if we were all paired according to our likes and beliefs and you knew for sure that the person you fall madly and deeply in love with, felt the same about you? But that is not how the Universe works; in fact one would swear that it goes out of its way to make mating and dating difficult and tedious.

 

Just in the past year I have witnessed many of my friends fall in and out of love. Find people who swept them off their feet and then made them spent countless nights crying themselves to sleep or asking themselves questions that they had no answers to. The dating game seems to get harder with age, I wonder whether with time men and women date for the same reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means using the same brush to paint all men, they are not all bad that I know. I just wonder how come so many ladies I know fall into the trap of falling for the wrong guys, men who mostly turn out to be totally different from the first impression that the gave in the beginning of a relationship. Is it women who miss the signs or fail to ask the most relevant questions that leads them to end up in relationships where they are lied to and they are cheated on? Or is it a simple case of being so desperate for something to work that you ignore any voice of reason that whispers to you in the initial stages of a relationship?

 

Listening to ladies talk about the ‘frogs’ they have come across in the dating game led me to the conclusion that, the strain of trying to meet someone new or finding a potential suitor is the exact reason why so many other people choose to stay single for years or for those in long term unions to stay in lovelorn relationships. The conclusion is actually a question because I cant say for certain, nor can one explanation fit everyone’s story. It just makes sense to me, that if I were single, just the thought of blind dates and meeting weirdos would be enough to put me off dating for a while or that if I was in a relationship for years, I would stay with the notion that “rather the devil that you know” than expose myself to the task of filing away years of all I know about this other person, only to have to go and learn the habits of another from Grade 1. It just seems easier and less stressful to stay with what is familiar or to rather be alone and invest my time and efforts in other areas of my life that I can control and be sure of the outcome.

 

Apparently all good men are either taken or gay, that kind of belief could also play a role in people refraining from dating and couldn’t we also say that, with that kind of mindset one was highly likely to attract those types of men we perceive as bad boys. If you don’t believe that what is in the sea is edible, doesn’t it then make it a given that what you find you will not be happy with? And while we at it, lets look at the expectations that our fellow sisters have and take with into in the dating game. The bank account balance needs to be a certain amount before you even look in his direction, then the physique has to be that of Denzil Washington and he has to tell jokes like Trevor Noah, the list is endless………….I am by no means advocating that women should settle just to be in a relationship but with maturity should definitely come a different approach and list of qualities that we seek in an ideal man. Love ends up losing because it is not packaged in a way that we want, because it comes disguised as below par and because it does not match what the lady next door has.

 

We look at what others have publicly with no idea what happens behind closed doors and we make that what should apply for everyone. Often times when you see your friends “happy” in a relationship, you automatically assume that to be happy you also need the exact same thing. But men are different and so are we, what works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. More importantly what we miss is that, even the happiest couples have problems, fights, arguments and issues but they work through them and then people want to break up with their partners because they don’t do what their friend’s partner does. As important as it is never to stay in a relationship that is not healthy, it is equally important to acknowledge that no one is perfect, we have flaws, we have habits that annoy others and if you going to run away every time that someone shows they are human, you will be stuck in this dating game, complaining that all men are the same when the problem isn’t the dating nor the people you meet but your perceptions and expectations.

 

Dating and a relationship to me are not the same, in the stages of dating; you are still getting to know each other, finding what works and what makes the other person tick. Be yourself but also find it in you not to rush the process by being too serious too soon, enjoy it and make it fun and even when you meet those frogs along the way, laugh about it but never forget the lesson that it was meant to teach you.

FAST APPROACHING 30, WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH MY LIFE?

My birthday is coming up soon, that was just a fleeting thought I had during the week. A more permanent thought or realisation is that, I am fast approaching 30 years of age and that’s enough to make me want to pull my hair out or go hide in some dark closet somewhere and not come out for a very long time. Ok, maybe I am being a little over dramatic.

 

The point is this though, when I was growing up, I had a list of goals I wanted to achieve, things that I wanted to be. I had my whole life planned out; I would finish school by 24, be married by 26 and have my first child when I was 28. This was the course that I was going to take and this was how my life was going to play out. This was before I learnt that we may make plans but life doesn’t always follow what we perceive to be a logical sequence of events. Sometimes in between the plans that we had for ourselves, life really happens. Maybe that is why they say; “life is what happens when you busy making other plans” Is that even a quote or a line from some song? Either way that line makes total sense right about now.

 

So I am turning 27 years in a few days and let’s see how my plans worked out. I completed my degree at 22 and my honours degree at 23. Had a baby at 25, not married and no where near the fulfilling career I had imagined myself having at this age. I didn’t do so badly on the planning front but the truth is, as one ages or grows older, you start to question yourself and where you are in life. How far you still are from doing all you wanted to do with your life, more importantly what significant impact have you made in the lives of those around you.

 

The older one gets the less life is just about living from day to day and surviving. Add children to that equation and you will realise just how imperative it becomes to live a meaningful life and to live a legacy that they can model and live up to, one day when you are no longer around. I cannot think of one person who does not want to live a life that brings them joy and inner peace and one way of attaining that, for me, is to find one’s purpose in life. The problem though is that, some of us are not privileged enough to know right from the start what our purpose is. Take me for example, I know that I have a passion for helping others and that’s the main reason why I chose to study psychology. I want to be able to touch others and assist them to make a difference in their lives. I also know that I have gift of words, writing and putting things in perspective through words. My aspirations have never really centred on wealth, or making money. So how does one take all of that and put it into a logic that echoes what your purpose is?

 

It has never been as important as it is now, to find that sole reason why I was created and why I am placed where I am. Not only to know the reason but to fulfil it as well. It shouldn’t even be an age factor, the sooner we start to ask ourselves these hard questions, the sooner we are able to live in the path that we are meant to travel in. We shouldn’t wait for a specific age to chase our dreams or to create in us the people that we admire and aspire to become. It should be a conscious decision that we make everyday, to not only dream of a certain life but to take active steps towards that life.

 

Contrary to the tone set in the beginning of this blog, this is not about regrets or feeling inadequate or the sense of hopelessness that comes with not achieving what we want or desire. This is a reminder of how time passes, perhaps even flies by without us realising it. It is a reminder that we are created to do more than just survive and that we have a responsibility to find and create ourselves and use the time that we have been given to the best of our ability. To pool together our inner resources and push boundaries and break limitations to become all that we were created to be. For some, the reminder may come from reading this blog. Or as in my case, by an event such a birthday, that’s reminds us, how much time has passed and forces us to evaluate what we are doing against what we should be doing.

 

I wish I could end this blog by saying I have had my light bulb moment and found my purpose but sadly reality doesn’t work with a script. However, I am feeling positive about the future because I have come face to face with my fears. The realisation of time gone by without having done all that I wanted to do. It is no reason to go in depression mode and label myself a failure. It is an opportunity, to search deeper within myself to find what drives me. It is a chance to wake up everyday with the decision to actively work on myself and my dreams. Not because I am fast approaching 30 (sadly) but because that is what I owe the Universe for the gift of life that I have been given.

 

If any of you has not found that drive as yet, irrespective of their age; it is never too late to start over. Where you are and give yourself a clean slate, a blank page and start writing your story over. Not influenced by your past or your present but driven by the desire to be all that dwells within you. To give it that opportunity to shine on the outside and hopefully in the process, light up someone else’s life.

Lessons Are Futile If We Don't Learn From Them

What is it about us, as human beings that make us repeat our mistakes and not learn from them? Where do we draw the line between mistakes and habits (traits that categorise who we really are)? My understanding of a mistake is something that you do as a result of flawed judgement, maybe even a moment of weakness, which carries consequences which aren’t desirable. That you want to avoid doing again at all costs. So why is it that we find ourselves time and again in those paths that don’t yield positive results for us? This is a question that has been bothering me for a while.

 

When do we get to a point where we don’t give the benefit of the doubt, when a mistake is repeated, and the same one at that, on numerous occasions? Why is it so hard for us to stray away from the things that hurt us and more so hurt those around us? I get that we learn through our mistakes, that we must fall in order to rise and that we must get it wrong to know what is right and to do better. The question though is, how many times should we fall before we get it right?

 

Life is filled with experiences that shape who we are, mistakes that make us better beings and our daily interactions are made up of lessons that we need to ultimately be all that we can be. I look at life as a series of different levels that we go through, in that way the lessons we are taught today are exactly what we need to progress to the next level of life. If we fail to grasp the lessons in the here and now, we minimise our ability to cope and do well in the next level that we are promoted to. Our mistakes are supposed to serve as building blocks, they carry in them the lessons that we need to make it to the next step. If we take my theory as correct, it means that whenever we fail to move on from the mistakes that we are currently making, if we continuously make the same mistakes, we hinder the natural growth process that should occur. It means that we stay on the same level of life and we become stagnate. Should we progress to the next level of life, not having learnt what we needed to, we most likely to find ourselves struggling in our promotion. Not knowing how to handle the responsibilities that come with that specific phase in our lives.

 

A lesson is defined as a “learning and a teaching”. Based on this, we can say that from our lessons we learn or we are taught something, whatever it may be. Once we have learnt something, isn’t it to be expected that we do better than we did previously or that we become better than were before the lesson. That takes us back to the title of this blog; lessons are futile if we don’t learn from them. If we still do the same things and we are still the same people, it means that the transformation that was to be brought about by the lesson has not occurred. Knowing something means nothing if it does not change us, how we see the world and relate to others. Lessons should bring us to a standing of knowing right and wrong, in whatever context we received it.

 

I often see people nodding their heads during a church sermon, agreeing with the message being brought forward. At the end of the service, the very people who were nodding their heads in agreement go out and do the very thing that we were warned against. It seems we hear but we don’t understand, we hear but we don’t implement in our lives. We read but we don’t change, we talk but we don’t act. We fail to make the lessons that we come across a part of our make up. In all these instances, the purpose of the lesson is lost to us. It has become meaningless.

 

We are entitled to make a mistake, that is how we discover ourselves, that is how we learn but we should refrain from repeating the mistakes that we have already been through. We should go out of our way to find the lessons hidden in our disappointments and our failures because that will enable us to do better and get to where we want to go. The lessons that we come across should do the work they are supposed to do in us, so we may be promoted to the next level of life. Our lives should not be a series of tripping and falling. As my mother always said, it’s not only through our own mistakes that we can learn; we can look at the lives of others and learn from them as well.” Simply put, I think what she was saying was that, it need not happen to you before you can learn from it. Not taking away that we are all individuals with different paths, some lessons are truly universal. The lesson may not always come through our own fall, sometimes it may be taught by witnessing the fall of someone else, and we still meant to learn from it anyway.

 

It is important to go through life, alert and open to experiences and lessons. One should never be of the idea that they know everything; there is always something you didn’t know that someone else can teach you, can make you aware of. But a man, who believes that he knows everything, cannot be taught anything, even the lessons that they come across in their journey are meaningless because they fail to realise the foundation of wisdom that lies in them. When we refuse to learn, we not only stay the same people but we are more prone to be the people that make the same mistakes throughout our lives. We receive promotion to the next level of life but we fail miserably because we have not grasped the basics of what we need to know. No one person is without flaws and acknowledging that puts you in a better position than someone who goes through life pretending that they have it all figured out.

 

When we acknowledge our flaws, we are more open to learning and when we keep an open mind, we are able to take the lessons and implement them in our lives, to spark a change, to transform us from who we are to who we want to be. The process of learning starts with being aware that we need to learn, being receptive to learning and consciously making a decision everyday, to not only hear but understand and let that understanding guide us. We should not remain prisoners to our mistakes and rob ourselves of the life we could possibly live, if we lived with awareness. Awareness of how our experiences shape us and that at the end of the day, our lives will or should be a result of the lessons we chose to implement in our lives.