LIFE IS NOT PERMANENT

We spent so much of our time on earth worrying about things that dont really matter, we miss most of our lives because we are preoccupied with a future that may not even happen. How sad it is, that life always has to throw some major curveball our way in order for us to stop and just embrace life and live in the moment. We hear about the death of a loved one and we are shocked at the reality that life is so fragile and so short, that really none of us are gauranteed to live well into our 70s.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fragile child. Referring to my health that is, I always blamed my mother for having me at such a late stage in her life for my weak immune system. I grew up being the child that always had flu, was away from school etc because something or the other was wrong with me. My immune system or lack thereof soon became the latest joke amongst my circle of friends and around my family. I would get ill from the strangest things, most of these usually associated with elders or aging. Getting ill was definately something that I had to make peace with from an early age, frequent visits to the Dr became a norm to me.

I was okay with it, I had gotten to that stage where I know my weaknesses and the names of the pills I had to take in order to be okay or live a relatively normal life. Nothing seemed to scare me anymore, I was popping pills like I was drinking water. It was really that normal to me.

Towards the end of last year, I started getting these severe abdominal pains that I didnt really take seriously, because I had given birth via c-section. I just assumed that the pain was normal, maybe a sign that I had not completely healed. So I took pills and more pills and blamed the weather for my pain. Someone had once told me that, if you have an operation, cloudy or cold weather could possibly make it ache. It made sense to me because these pains seemed to correspond with that type of weather. Going to the doctor was not an option because I convinced myself that with time, the pain would get better.

That was until I started getting stomach cramps about a week ago. Even then, I really just ignored any sign that I needed to go to the Dr until a colleague forced me to. I had a sonar done and some tests and was told to come back on Friday for the results. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart, somehow I felt that my legs were unable to carry me to the Dr's office and more than that, I had spent a sleepless night playing the outcome of the results in my head. Preparing myself for the worst.

That turned out to be such a futile exercise though, how does one prepare for something that they dont even know? Nothing could have ever prepared me for the news that I have a cancerous growth in my womb. Even as I write this, it feels like I am talking about someone else. At my age? How can it really be? It just feels like the whole world has fallen on my shoulders.

In that moment when I got these news, none of the things I was angry about or worried about mattered. I could only think of my daughter and what all this meant for her and whether I would live long enough for me to raise her, to see her bloom. I dont want to sound defeated or hopeless but this is really one of those life changing events that remind you that life is so fragile and short, that none of us are gauranteed that forever with the ones we love. Its not about living a reckless life but ensuring that we make the best of the time that we have been borrowed. Tomorrow may be your last day on earth, think about what type of legacy you want to leave.....what memories you want to engrave in the hearts of those you share your life with.

I am left wondering, whether the life I am living today is representive of the type of memories and legacy I want to live. Pushed by the fact that tomorrow may be too late to right the wrongs I have made and therefore, today is the only day that I have to try and make the right choices, to live in a manner that says to my daughter, your mother did the best that she could.