SELF COMPASSION

There may be a few people who were socialised (raised) in such a way that navigating through adulthood becomes a breeze. For the rest of us growing up means also realising that even though our parents did their best; there are gaps in what we have been taught. We disadvantage ourselves and limit our growth as individuals if we never seek to learn what was not included in our upbringing.

At the top of the list of things we were taught was the importance of being kind to others. That's a key lesson in life or at least one of the key lessons. However, in a lot of cases this teaching missed the golden rule. That is, whatever we give to others needs to be an extension of what we have already given to ourselves. Kindness towards others should start with being kind to ourselves. 

Failure to achieve this starting point is the reason why self-compassion is such a difficult concept to grasp. We master consoling others and then turn around and judge ourselves harshly for the same things. We can cheer others on when they get tired in the journey of life. Yet expect perfection from ourselves even when we have every right to be feeling tired and bruised.  

There are already so many ways in which life beats up on us. However; we don't seem to think that's enough because we beat up on ourselves too. We never learned how to be kind to ourselves. I believe this is the reason why we downplay the moments in which we show up even when we feel like we have nothing to give.

My line of work exposes me daily to people who are at their lowest point in life. They can recount and recall every negative thing that has happened. All the ways in which they have fallen short. Whilst it's important to acknowledge what has gone wrong in order to rectify it. I have noticed that most if not all the people I encounter - fail to pat themselves on the back for showing up. 

For waking up another day, despite the odds and trying to make things work. I've met people who were facing things that I couldnt ever imagine having to bear. Sometimes I listen to people tell their stories and wonder how they even managed to be alive to tell the tale. It's that ability to show up that they overlook. The very thing that could be reassurance to them that they have what it takes to overcome. 

Showing up sometimes with no hope that things will turn around. Yet somehow managing to dig deep within yourself to drag oneself to face life. It takes courage to do that and there is nothing insignificant about that. Taking pride in showing up isn't a reason to exempt yourself from working at what needs to change. We can't ever run away from the work that it entails to cause a shift in our lives.  

We should however practise a little in some cases alot of kindness towards ourselves. If we can do this; I reckon that in the midst of the darkest phases of our lives we will always have something to celebrate. It is also the compassion that we show to ourselves that will enable us to tap into our inherent resilience and recognise that though we are bruised; we haven't lost the fight.

WHEN YOUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON OTHERS: TREADING DANGEROUSLY

A few years ago one of my friends introduced me to The Invitation, a poem written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I went on to buy the book with the same title in which the poem is explained and explored in detail. It is one of those books that I always go to when I need to reflect and just question myself and where I am in life.

"It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."

The above hits me everytime when I read it because we place loyalty on this pedestal and though it is important to have and show loyalty, should it come at the expense of betraying ourselves? Should our primary aim be to keep the peace with others even when the decisions we make and actions we take to keep that peace causes us inner conflict?

With maturity and experience I have come to realise that school missed to teach us on the importance of validating ourselves. We don’t know how to pour into ourselves and this causes us to constantly seek others to fill us even when what they fill us with is poisonous, then we turn around and we are shocked at why we have become such bitter and vile people. We are socialized to be communal in our thinking and if we attempt to stand up for what works for us as individuals, we are frowned upon and seen as the bad guys. In the bigger scheme of things, it may seem like a noble act that we think of others before we act or make decisions but the danger comes in where it indirectly teaches us that we need to the approval of others before we can make decisions about things that matter to us. It builds dependence that others have to approve and affirm us and how we live otherwise we live in doubt of ourselves.

It has become increasingly important for me now to cultivate an acceptance of self because I want what people give me to be a bonus and not what I need to survive. If your survival depends on the affirmations and approval of others, your behaviour is automatically altered not to be what you are at peace with but to become more of what they approve of and applaud. I have also observed through people that I believe live for the validation of others, that I did not want to be that person nor do I want to live my life in constant hunger and need for others to validate who and what I am and what I do.

There are a few dangerous elements that come with being a person that is always seeking the approval of others and I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing it first had over the last few months.

1.    People who seek validation are not trustworthy

They can not only lie with ease but they are loyal to whoever and whatever feeds their hunger for applause and validation in that moment and if they have to betray anyone to get what they crave, they will do so without feeling any guilt. When they are with this person or group, they say what they need to say and do to fit in even if it contradicts what they had just said to another person or group the day before. You cannot trust these people, sad but they will hurt you without as much as looking back to see the damage that they have caused.

2.    People who seek validation do not know themselves

There is no way that they can because in any situation or group, these are the people that you find going in whichever direction that the wind is blowing. They will not stand up for how they feel or even express their personal views especially so if it means that they may have to stand alone because others do not agree with them. They either do not know what they want or who they are or they suppress what they know about themselves to be affirmed by those whose opinions they value. They pretend very well – they can be anything depending on who they are with.

3.    People who seek validation buy their way around

It is hard to develop genuine relations with people who seek validation, if they are not buying love, they are saying and doing things that they should not, that they do not believe in – just because they want to belong and be loved by certain people. They do not see themselves as worthy of being love for nothing else than who they genuinely are, flaws and all.

4.    People who seek validation will never feel bad for betraying you because they have betrayed themselves too many times to count

We often want to hold people accountable for falling short of acting in ways that we approve of, when they hurt us we want answers and we seek to understand or justify the very behaviour that has caused us pain. When dealing with people who seek validation, aiming to hold them accountable for their actions or lack thereof is futile because it is easy to betray others when you have betrayed yourself countless times before. How can we expect that someone that has failed to be true to themselves to be true to others?

We need to make the conscious decision to pour into ourselves because the level that we have met ourselves on will determine the level on which we can meet others. It should be a requirement that is just as important as taking care of ourselves physically and externally, we need to invest into loving and affirming ourselves, accepting ourselves whilst acknowledging the flaws that we still want to work on. Anything that we hope to get from others, we should first cultivate and be able to give to ourselves - in that way we recognise if the price is too much to pay for what others are giving us. If it causes us to suppress who we are, takes away our voices and turns out into beings that have to betray themselves in order not to be betray others - then the price is too hefty to take a gamble on. 

LEAP

A year ago I took a life changing decision to relocate to a different city and province. It was a scary experience, having grown up and lived in one town all my life I had no idea what I was doing or even if I was making the right decision. The hardest part of the entire process was leaving my child behind and wondering whether we would both cope with being away from each other. All I knew was that life often calls on us to make a leap despite the fear and the thoughts that aim to hold us back. I had to trust that I would develop the courage needed along the way if only I was brave enough to trust what lay before me and not what was familiar to me.

A few times in this process, I have wanted to pack my bags and head back home because I was wrestling with myself regarding the decision that I made and because sometimes life gives us what we ask for but not in a packaging that we recognise so we miss that our prayers have been answered because the response doesn't match up to the image that we had conceived in our heads. It was a constant battle.

However it was also in my time of doubt that I learned that God always speaks to us and gives us signs if we seek Him in our moment of doubts. Everytime that I got ready to hand in that letter of resignation, someone would come with a word totally oblivious to the thoughts that raced in my head but what they said would be the assurance that I was looking for. And it was in those moments that I learned that God had orchestrated this move and I was called to bloom where I was planted.

There were countless tears shed and just as many laughs that came. In a few months I was promoted to Senior Social Worker, heading a Department that just months prior I knew nothing about. Again I saw the hand of God upon my life and I learned again that when you function within your purpose, He opens doors for you that you didn't even knock on.

I am gaining invaluable experience in this journey and I have become a better person and professional because I was offered opportunities to grow and surrounded by people who believed in me as a professional despite my shortcomings. This process has also caused me to honestly reflect on myself and to become more aware of character flaws that I need to work on in order to make this a success and to also become an overall better person. I fail dismally at times but I am thankful for those around me who are patient with me and who daily allow me the space to grow, evolve and make the necessary changes.

I could have denied myself the beauty of all that I have seen around me if I had let fear and emotions control my decisions. You see sometimes you don't need to know all the answers, you just need to be prepared to take that famous leap of faith and trust that it will all work out as it should.

I reckon that we often need to discard our thoughts of how it's supposed to be and make it work with the cards that we are dealt with. And often the only thing standing between you and realising your dreams is the need to be in control and figure it out. Your willingness to step out of the security of what is familiar could be the gateway to living your best life thus far.

Take the plunge. You have no idea what is waiting for you on the other side of fear. I know for certain that as difficult as it was a year ago to make this decision, it remains to this day the best thing I ever did for myself as an individual and a Social Worker.

TOMORROW IS NOT GAURANTEED

This year certainly didn't waste any time getting down to business. One minute I was talking to a friend and they were saying that they love the space that I am in and we were saying that we need to milk the good days for all they are worth because we never know when life’s curveballs may hit you and affect your peace.

In what literally felt like the next minute after that conversation, my curveball came in the form of a phone call from a former colleague turned friend. She had been trying to get hold of me for the better part of the afternoon but I was in and out of sessions, couldn't pick up my phone and honestly didn't think much of it.

When I finally got a moment, I returned her call. She was sounding weird over the phone but not even in my wildest imagination could I have predicted what she was going to tell me next. A friend of ours has passed on.

I thought I was hearing things, I wanted her to explain in detail who she was speaking about because in my mind she couldn't be speaking about the person I knew. I spoke to my friend throughout the festive break, she was at home spending time with family and I was laughing at how she was stuck at home and couldn't go out because she had broken her leg and it was put on a cast.

She had just bought a car and was finally moving her son to Bloem to attend school there. That had always been her dream, growing up in a small town where good schools were few and far between. She had achieved what she longed for for years. I was so happy for her and we were both filled with excitement for the new year and the fact that both of us would be staying with our children.

We made a commitment to go on a weekend away in the new year because life had so many responsibilities that we hardly saw each other but we acknowledged that despite that we had to make time for those we cared about. Things were falling into place and finally all her hard work was starting to pay off. So how do I make peace with the news that she went to bed and that was to be her final sleep?

What about all the dreams that she still had? Who would now give her son the life that she always wanted for him? At the age of 31, how is it possible that it is the end? Wasn't this supposed to be the prime of her life? I mourn my friend and my heart bleeds for a child that now has to grow up without a mother.

In the two weeks following my friend's passing, two other people passed on here at work. One was a colleague's daughter, whom I had seen and interacted with at the office a few times - she was only 20 years old and had been battling with lupus. The other was a client, who had lost her battle to cancer.

I think we all know how fleeting life is but we forget and we allow ourselves to get caught up in petty issues that don't contribute anything meaningful to our lives. I found myself wondering, what if I died tomorrow? Would I look back on my life and say that I spend my days in a way that mattered?

Beyond the hurt and shock that came with death, it also gives one a rude awakening and probes you to think about life and how you are living it. We make so many plans and we have the tendency to put off what we need to do and want to do, oblivious to the fact that tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. It could all be taken away in the blink of an eye and in a split second so much can change, almost leaving you disorientated.

I've wrestled with many feelings over the last few weeks but I can safely say that, though this was not a good way to start the year, it was a reminder to go into it with enthusiasm and purpose. To live each day with intention, to do what you can when the opportunity is still there and be conscious to the gift that is each day we live and we are still breathing.

Though I am still trying to find peace, learning to accept that never again can I pick up the phone to speak to my friend - I need to be grateful for the gift of life and make changes if anything I am doing now is not aligned to the legacy that I would want to leave one day when I am no longer around.

My hope is that we don't wait for death to knock on our doors before we realise that life is too fragile and too short to get caught up in the small stuff. That we don't live our lives consumed with winning the small battles that we lose the war of what our lives should represent when the curtains close one day.

Light and Love

RLG Lenkoe

#Born To Conquer

#Stepping Out Naked

WAIT OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION

A few years ago I had the "pleasure" of having one of these guys who pursue you relentlessly in my life. It didn't matter how many times I had told this guy no, he refused to give up. During the third year of his pursuit I reasoned in my head that I could never find someone who loved me as he did, I mean the guy had been consistent in his pursuit for three years that could only mean he did genuinely love me (my reasoning was at that idiotic point). 

So I began entertaining the thought of giving him a chance. Another reason was I had been single for over two years and I was honestly tired of waiting. These are the things we don't talk about though, because we have to be strong women who don't need or want a man and who can never admit to the world that sometimes you crave to love and be loved in return. I shared my thoughts with my sister, who gave me a long list of reasons why this man was not the right person for me and she ended that conversation with the assurance that whatever I decided, she would support me because all she wanted was for me to be happy. 

The truth is everything she told me that day, was everything I knew but I was reaching a point where I was willing to overlook those reasons because I was frustrated in my current situation. Many of us are now dealing with the consequences of making permanent decisions because we were temporarily uncomfortable. We get tired of waiting so we take whatever is offered in moment and when we eventually wake up, we are knee-deep in situations that we could have easily avoided. 

We become tired drivers in the journey of life and because we are so desperate for a break, a moment of rest, we let other people take the wheel and drive us where we think we want to go. For a moment it's a relief, just to be able to rest and escape but the challenge kicks in when the fatigue wears off and we wake up to realize that those we trusted to take the wheel are driving us to a destination that we don't want to go to. 

Now you realise that the person you are married to, in a relationship with, the job you left, the position you took etc was not what you initially wanted but you had let your desperation and fears dictate the choices you made because you grew weary of waiting for what was specially tailored for you. You find yourself stuck in places and relationships that are not for you and you are suffocated by the idea that you need to make it work, which turns into you settling for what you don't want. 

It is not easy to wait it out more so in an era where we are always bombarded by the achievements of others and their picture perfect lives but it is just as difficult to wake up with the realization that you moved in haste and made impulsive decisions. It is as frustrating to settle for the illusion of what seemed appealing in a moment of desperation and now waking up daily knowing that every fiber of your being is fighting the place that you now find yourself in. 

If you are wondering what happened to that guy, I came to my senses and I realized that I would only be setting myself up for failure by going into this relationship and ignoring all the red flags that were before me. I resolved to wait even if it was not comfortable to do so. I may still be waiting and even on the days that I am feeling uncomfortable, I know that I would rather wait then wake up to decisions that I regret. 

Trust that what is ahead is better than what you are experiencing. Give yourself permission to wait despite how it feels right now and wake up every day knowing that what you choose and who you choose is not out of frustration and that you are not settling in any way. 

Light and Love

RLG Lenkooe

#Phoenix

PART 2: SINGLE PARENTS

Last week I shared briefly about the pain of a woman finding herself in a position of raising children alone and I wrote that this week I would touch on being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting as well as challenges faced by single parents (as they came out of the workshop that was held).

Before we get into it, there's something I would like to address that came from a Facebook comment where the link to the blog was shared. Not directly quoting what the lady was saying, she raised a question regarding these workshops that we have for women and why the men were not part of this dialogue - she felt that raising children was a responsibility that was placed solely on women whilst we continued to excuse the men from showing up. (This was how I understood the comment).

It was a valid question and something I did touch on in the previous blog when I asked who is speaking to the men and addressing their pain and hurt to ensure they became whole individuals who could step up and show up for their children. I can only speak from the position of being a woman, one that has faced the struggles of being a single parent. I fully agree that these dialogues NEED to happen amongst men but I don't consider myself the person to do that because I don't speak or write about anything I don't have experience in.

I don't know the struggles that men go through, what prompts them to abandon their children etc. If I had the opportunity to work with men in this regard, I would do so but until then I share with women, from a woman who prefers to speak from a combination of a textbook and life experiences. That's my response.

Let's get to it!

Being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting:
There seems to be some confusion around these concepts. May I also add a disclaimer and say the definitions to follow may not be found in your Oxford dictionary but what I understand and hopefully that will clear a few misconceptions.

Being single~ ideally refers to a state of not being married but is also commonly used to refer to people that are not in a relationship.

Single parent ~ can be a man or a woman raising a child or children on their own, without emotional or financial support from the other parent.

Co-parenting~ refers to a partnership between two parents who are either not married, in a relationship or divorced. Both parties contribute towards the upbringing of the child and make joint decisions regarding the best interest of the child/children.

Now for me, people get it twisted when they are not married or in a relationship but in a co - parenting relationship and yet label themselves as single parents. I am of the belief that two parents not being married or in a relationship (co-parents) can raise children together and if both parents are actively involved, they are not single parents. A single parent is or should be someone handling the emotional and financial aspects of raising children on their own, without any assistance from the other parent.

This is not written in stone but I hope that it at least gives someone something to think about before they refer to themselves as a single parent.

Challenges faced by single parents:
~ financial stress
~ work and responsibilities overload
~ burnout
~ not enough time to handle responsibilities
~ inability to show up everywhere in all areas for the children
~ socializing the children (e.g a mother raising boys)
~ what to tell the children about the absent parent (to be discussed in the next blog)

There are obviously more challenges that could be stated but the above were the most common ones that came up during the workshop. No two situations are the same, depending on the context and situation of the single parent, the challenges may also differ. The solutions will therefore also differ, there is no universal solution to every challenge.

Surrounding yourself with a strong support system is one way to ease the burden that comes with being a single parent. There are always people available to reach out to, even when they don't come in the conventional or traditional form.

SIDE NOTES:

1. Next week we talk about explaining the absence of a parent to children and being weary of the kind of language we use around children.

2. My book Stepping Out Naked is available. Email rlglenkoe@gmail.com to place an order.

RLG Lenkoe

PART 1: SINGLE PARENTS

On Saturday (04/03/17), I travelled to another town to conduct a workshop for single mothers following a request from someone who had read my book. I left the house that morning in high spirits, excited about my plans for the day and what would come out of the workshop.

When I arrived at the venue, the first thing I noticed was that a large portion of attendees were old women and that scared me a bit. I don't know what it is about a crowd of people older than me that always sends me into panic mode, probably the thought that they by virtue of their age know so much more about life than I could ever teach them. I mean most of these ladies have probably been parents long before I even thought about having a child.

Excuse me, I've deviated from the topic. So the workshop commenced with a word from the scripture in true older generation format and it was now my turn. We started off with an ice breaker, two main activities that I had prepared - one on problem solving and the other on building trust with the people amongst you. Activities work well in situations where a sensitive issue is going to be discussed, the trick is to let participants let down their guards and share in an open and safe environment.

When the time comes to really go into the nitty gritty stuff everyone is already comfortable with each other and can hopefully express themselves freely. However no amount of preparation could have made me ready for the stories that came out of the session. It was a struggle to hold back the tears as one by one these women broke down as they told their stories.

Each one with different reasons for the position they found themselves in, the loss of a partner or spouse, a break up or divorce, a man who ran away from his responsibility - who had rejected not only his child/children but the woman who brought them into this world. The common thread was they were here, raising children on their own when this was not how they had imagined their life would be. The pain of a single parent. The pain of a woman who had no choice but to deal with the cards that life had dealt her with.

These women were my grandmothers, my mothers, my aunts, my sisters, my friends. Their different age groups showing that no one was immune to life and it's blows but also calling on each of us to ask ourselves what we were doing now to ensure that we were not raising children who would suffer the same fate. My message was simply that we needed to make peace with where we were because we can't keep the knife in the wound if we hope to heal but more importantly it was a willingness to forgive that would ensure we raised a better generation of adults who wouldn't need to be sitting in the same position in 10/20 years crying over the same things that their parents cried over.

I left the workshop on Saturday burdened and emotionally drained, not because I was feeling sorry for these women but because I realised the amount of pain people live with. What they are hiding behind their smiles and what the burden of showing up even when we didn't feel like it was doing to women. I wondered when it would all end? I wondered who was talking to the men and addressing their pain so both sexes can heal and thereby be in a better position to raise children better than they were raised.

But I also understood in that moment that we had to be accountable and that means taking responsibility for our own healing and making a decision that we wouldn't be victims forever. Not taking anything away from the pain of these women and knowing that it took more than one workshop and half an hour individual session to address years of pain, they had to make the decision to be better for themselves and the children they are raising. They need to come to a point where they acknowledged they cannot change the actions of another but they had the power to decide how they would handle those actions. 

                "Mothers - especially single mothers - are heroic in their efforts to raise our nation's children, but men must also take responsibility for their children and recognise the impact they have on their families' wellbeing"
                   Evan Bayh

Side Notes:

1.Next week I will write about the difference between being a single parent and a co-parent and the challenges of being a single parent.

2. Part 3 of this series will deal with how to explain to the children the absence of a father and watching how you speak to your children about the other parent.

3. Copies of my book Stepping Out Naked are available. Order yours: rlglenkoe@gmail.com

RLG Lenkoe