HURT PEOPLE HURT OTHERS

I once heard Bishop T.D Jakes preaching on this specific topic but it didn’t make sense to me at the time. You would think that someone who has been hurt is in a better position to love and nurture the next person because they know the pain of being hurt and wouldn’t want to inflict it on anyone else. That is sometimes the case but not always the norm. Hurt people hurt others.

Take someone who has grown up in an abusive family, they grow up watching their parents fight and in more cases than not, the fights are physical. This person grows up seeing this as a norm therefore to them, this is the way that people live, this is the way that life is supposed to be and this is how people in love treat eachother. Because this is seen as normal and internalised from a young age, they are more likely to go into an abusive relationship themselves, either as the perpetrator or the victim. As a perpetrator this is how they exert their control, this is how they maintain the “status quo” and as a victim, they rationalise that I grew up seeing my mom or dad take this from their partner so this is part of the dynamics of a relationship.

There are no set signs to spot an abusive person and sometimes you never even see it coming until it hits you (literally). We all say it will never happen to me until you find yourself in that situation and don’t have the courage to walk away. All the things that you ever told yourself about how you would react to it should it happen are soon forgotten and you find yourself taking it. Abusers are usually very clever and manipulative and long before it even gets physical you realise that, the abuse had been there all along but in the emotional form.

They isolate you from your family and friends and tell you all these things that break down your self-esteem, so that when it gets to the physical part, you don’t have what it takes to walk away and you believe that you deserve the treatment that they are giving you. Your self-worth is compromised if not already non-existent and it is that much more difficult to walk away because nothing in you believes that it deserves better.

Abuse carries with it a vicious cycle that is often to hard to curb. You see it, then you experience it and leave only to turn around and turn from victim to perpetrator. This is how hurt people hurt others. They haven’t dealt with the demons of their past and that makes it difficult for them to thrive and grow in a normal relationship. So they create drama and pick fights, just so they can have something to ignite their anger. The sad thing is that, the anger seldom has anything to do with the person that they are with now, but more to do with unresolved issues from their previous relationship.

It is important to understand that, one does not just leave an unstable or abusive relationship and pick up the pieces of their heart and go on as if nothing happened. The anger and bitterness and hurt of that relationship may not show themselves until later on. Then it finds ways to manifest itself in other ways in your life, conflict with others, constantly looking for fights where they aren’t any, misplaced anger etc. Everything that we do not deal with in the present always finds its way back to us in the future. When it first happens, you may not even recognise where it comes from until you retrace your steps and look back.

Abuse has devastating effects on those who are affected and it is not just a matter of walking away and thinking that you are ready to move on. It is advisable to seek help, to deal with what has happened to you, how the abuse affected you emotionally and your current state of mind. Once you have worked through the past and made peace with it, you can truly try to be in another relationship. Abuse affects the way that you see yourself and what you think about yourself and those are but some of the issues that you need to deal with before you attempt to even love someone else or be in another relationship.

If you do not deal with the hurt of the past, you will find yourself in a situation where you cant even embrace love from another should you find it. You may end up hurting the next person because you have not dealt with your hurt.