The past few weeks I have been questioning a lot of things when it comes to the church and the whole concept of Christianity. Maybe my understanding of church and it's purpose is flawed and I have had a rude awakening on that front. I always thought church was a place where we gathered as Christians to fellowship and encourage each other and that when I went to church, I was supposed to leave at the end of the day with a fulfilled heart and a feeling of restoration.
I have been experiencing quite the opposite for a long time. I've left church and wondered how could we pray for each other while we harboured such bitterness towards one another and how we could heal each other as children of God when we engaged in so much hate talk within the walls of the church. How do we lift our hands in church and shout Amen's during the sermon, yet leave at the end of the day and do the very things that the sermon and Bible warned us against?
I've also felt burdened as a Christian, like I had signed up for something I couldn't live with and practice in my own life. I couldn't admit that I struggled because I thought that would be an indication of my faith not being strong enough. So I do what we all do and hide behind scriptures and pretend to be a good girl. Yet that wasn't a true reflection of my state of mind because the truth is I still struggle.
I struggle to keep my mouth shut when a fellow church member is put on the table for discussion in their absence, yes I gossip. I struggle to forgive and yet go to bed every night and pray to be forgiven as I have forgiven others. But that ain't the truth because I have yet to forgive people in my life for the things they did and those that they failed to do. I would sit in church and lift my hand in approval when the preacher reminded us that pride is a sin. In the same breath I am holding on to my pride and watching things around me crumble because my pride is bigger than making things right. You see I am a Christian whose been lying to herself and others because I was agreeing to things in church that I refused to implement in my interactions with others.
I wasn't happy with what I got or even what I gave so a few weeks ago I stopped going to church because I was not willing to be a hypocrite and continue to shout what was not true to appease people and live up to their expectations. The problem was, I had committed myself to several roles in the church and knew that my absence would not be ideal but I had to choose. Was I going to hold on to meet the expectations and come home every time and moan about things that drained the life out of me? Or would I take the courageous step of putting myself first and stepping back? I chose the latter and maybe in the next person's eyes I wasn't brave at all, I was actually a coward who was running away.
I don't know if I know for certain but at this point, I am still happier staying away although Sunday mornings bring me back to the reality of days gone by. Days when I would wake up in the morning, totally geared up to offer all I had to God and the church. I've been feeling a little lost, like my soul is just drifting about without a place where it belongs. I then resolved to visit other churches with the hope that I would find what I was yearning for. The first church on the list gave me something refreshing but I was still not certain I was ready to commit to it. Then it hit me a few days ago.
It's not a church that I need its God. I didn't need to find another 4 walls that promised to be better than where I was, it was a deeper relationship with God that I needed. I was not in need of religion but a relationship. A relationship with God that would allow His plan for me to unfold. Who am I in Him? What is it that He wants me to do with my life? How could I serve Him with my talents without the burden of rules and regulations that He sure as hell didn't make up? What do I need to do to allow Him to heal me from the things that I struggle with? That's my journey. I need to build my relationship with God.
Naturally that has raised questions about where I am and why I have stopped coming to church but I can't answer that because I don't have the answers as yet. All I know is what my heart yearns for at the moment is not to be found in any church or people and so I keep on praying for clarity and direction. I don't expect anyone to understand because this is between myself and God and when the time comes, He will point me in the right direction.
For now I am just basking in the joy of not having to pretend. The joy of finally being able to say yes I am a Christian but I still struggle and having the guts to bring that to God and let Him handle it on my behalf. The joy of not having any roles to fulfill and just waking up knowing that the only person I need to be right with is the One who lives in me and who walks with me everywhere I go.
Bzeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
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