DEAR FEAR

Why have I allowed you to consume my thoughts, my life? Why have I believed the lies you told me and the reasons you gave me everytime I wanted to do something in life? Why did I think you could have so much power over me and my dreams?

I look at my life and mourn for all the things I could have achieved,  the places I could have seen and the people I would have met, if only I learned early on in my life that you only have as much power in my life as I allow you to. All along I thought I was a victim to your games, I considered myself helpless and gave in to your demands. When the truth is you were only surviving because I kept feeding you instead of starving you to death. I wanted you out of my life but everytime you reached for the door knob, I pulled you back and held on to you. 

I should have let you go the day I realised that you were standing between me and my dreams. I should have kicked you out the day you tried to convince me that my greatness didn't exist. But I let you stay and take over every corner of my thoughts till I almost forgot who had the keys to your place of residence. 

I continued to fight you but at the end of the day, when no one was watching, I curled up in bed with you and cuddled you like your warmth was the only possibility there was. I knew you were holding me back but I kept trying to go forward without cutting off the ties that were between us. No wonder it was so hard to go anywhere, I was your slave and obeying your every command. 

You told me it was safer where I was so I didn't try to be anywhere else. You told me the world was cruel and it would reject anything I tried to bring forth so I dismissed the ideas I had and learned to be satisfied with only waking up in the morning. You told me people only care about themselves so you help me build a wall to keep myself safe but forgot to mention that the same wall would also block out any light that aimed to enter my life. You watched me scream silently and led me to believe that no one could hear me but it was you all along who was suppressing my voice so my scream wouldn't be loud enough. 

I've finally had enough. Enough of watching others live so fully while I was holding on to what you were promising me. I'm tired of being scared, of being afraid to live and try and dare to fail. I'm exhausted from playing small so you could be comfortable and feel big. You have overstayed your welcome,  kept me too long from erupting like the volcano I know I am. You need to leave. 

No rephrase that. You are leaving! Because I have grown too much and you no longer have space here. There is not enough room for both of us to co-exist and since I am calling the shots here, you are the one who needs to disappear. I need to start living,  I need to start being awesome, I need to start living out my dreams, I need to break down the walls so light can reach me and I can finally breathe. I need to start being all that I can be and I can't do that while wrestling with you. 

Goodbye fear. Hello life.

ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY

This topic sounds so familiar, besides having spoken on the same subject a few weeks ago at a workshop, I feel like I have written about it before. But what the heck, maybe you need a reminder the same way I do right now.  The last few weeks, days, have been rather hectic on the heart. First it was school, then it was home, then it was betrayal, hurt,  longing and then there was work. Where do you even begin when the walls are closing down on you? When all attempts fail and you just find yourself sinking deep into a hole? We all have our different crutches and escape methods. While in the past I've been very vocal about my struggles and pain, its often left me with regrets more than anything. So I went back to my most trusted method whenever I was in a bad state, grab a box of tissue and paper and write till I had no words left. The beautiful thing about using pen and paper as a weapon is that you can be totally naked and not worry about being judged. You can be completely vulnerable and not feel like a weakling. You can tell yourself that it's okay not to be okay without feeling like you are disappointing anyone else. At times you just need the platform to be, knowing that things will eventually work out but not before you surrender to what is and what you feel in the moment. You know that this too shall pass but you don't have to act like the reassurance makes it hurt any less. You just take the moment for what it is and allow it to teach you what it must without rushing through the process because it's expected of you to keep it together and not cry. And you can cry as much as you need to for when you stop, you never have to deal with unresolved feelings that you swept under the rug. More than allowing myself to feel the way that I do, I have tried to find comfort in His word. Overdosing on sermons by Bishop TD Jakes, I find myself shouting YESSSSSSSS! like a crazy woman because I am reminded that its okay not to be okay but I will be okay. I've found something incredibly beautiful in being able to cry out to God because He knows. He doesn't only know me but He knows the things I try to hide from the world. And because He said to bring my burdens to Him because He cares. He doesnt only care but He has promised to work all things for my good, the good and the bad and that's why surrendering to Him is such a joy, because He said that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for me and my present suffering will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. I get why pain has a purpose, why our plans need to be wrecked and leave us in limbo. So we can realise that our might means nothing, that we have no control because He is the One who should be in charge. I get that sometimes things fall apart so He can rebuilt them, so we can know that we are nothing without Him. I understand that troubles are meant to draw us closer to Him because He is the source of life and when we go around like we are in control, we might just forget to plug into Him and draw from Him.The last few weeks have been tough and I have accepted being okay with not being okay. This time is working in my favour even during the times that it doesn't feel that way. Even when I don't have the answers, I have found myself and who I am in Him through this process and I can say with confidence, it's okay not to be okay because God is going to ensure the passing of this season. It's going to be alright. No matter how it looks now, I will not lose sight of that. 

I WOULDN'T BE ANYWHERE ELSE

I was writing my Psychology exam today and naturally studying days or weeks ahead of time, I always feel like I don't know my work and I am not ready. So the closer I get to writing the more things start to make sense and the night before is always crazy. That means I got very little sleep and after the exam all I wanted to do was go home and sleep but I had to go to work. *sigh*

The whole time I was at work I was thinking about how I'm going to jump into bed and enjoy being home alone because my daughter and niece wouldn't be there. The plan was to get myself a bottle of wine after my shift, get home and pour a glass and enjoy it in my birthday suit. Then I remembered that I was cutting down on the alcohol (that's been going great because in the last 2 months I've only bought 2 bottles), sleeping was a much better option for when I get home.

I arrived to any empty house, which felt kind of weird. Then I didn't know what to do with myself. I switched on the TV and watched a movie but the whole time I was thinking about how we would be laughing at this stupid guy on the screen with my niece and how bored I really am.

It's funny because with the kids here, I always tell them that I look forward to the day we move into a bigger house, where I would come home and lock myself in the room and they wouldn't even know that I am here.  My daughter turns 5 in a few days while my niece is 19 years old but you would be forgiven for calling me any day when they are here and thinking I was running a Day Care Centre. From the moment I walk through the door, my daughter is already going into a full account of how her day was and who did what to her. My niece, typical of her age is on her phone chatting the evening away. But when the two of them collide, which by the way is almost every day, I have to forget how tired I am from school and work and play referee to their fights. 

It's exhausting and sometimes I just sit there in silence and shut down while they wait for me to intervene and I pretend like I am not there. I can never win! You would think that I would appreciate the time out and space to just be with my thoughts but I found that the freedom isn't exactly as exciting as I imagined it would be. As tiring as it is to be a mother and sister at times, after today I am looking at my life in a different way. These little people truly do make my life what it is and I cannot imagine my life without their noise, fights and everything else. It's deceiving to get caught up in what life could be if you had the opportunity to just be but what I realise now is that I cannot be without them. They give me a reason to come home and it is home because they are here otherwise it would just be an empty house. So the next time they are working on my nerves, I have this to remind me that they are the "e" in life because they are EVERYTHING to me.