I was writing my Psychology exam today and naturally studying days or weeks ahead of time, I always feel like I don't know my work and I am not ready. So the closer I get to writing the more things start to make sense and the night before is always crazy. That means I got very little sleep and after the exam all I wanted to do was go home and sleep but I had to go to work. *sigh*
The whole time I was at work I was thinking about how I'm going to jump into bed and enjoy being home alone because my daughter and niece wouldn't be there. The plan was to get myself a bottle of wine after my shift, get home and pour a glass and enjoy it in my birthday suit. Then I remembered that I was cutting down on the alcohol (that's been going great because in the last 2 months I've only bought 2 bottles), sleeping was a much better option for when I get home.
I arrived to any empty house, which felt kind of weird. Then I didn't know what to do with myself. I switched on the TV and watched a movie but the whole time I was thinking about how we would be laughing at this stupid guy on the screen with my niece and how bored I really am.
It's funny because with the kids here, I always tell them that I look forward to the day we move into a bigger house, where I would come home and lock myself in the room and they wouldn't even know that I am here. My daughter turns 5 in a few days while my niece is 19 years old but you would be forgiven for calling me any day when they are here and thinking I was running a Day Care Centre. From the moment I walk through the door, my daughter is already going into a full account of how her day was and who did what to her. My niece, typical of her age is on her phone chatting the evening away. But when the two of them collide, which by the way is almost every day, I have to forget how tired I am from school and work and play referee to their fights.
It's exhausting and sometimes I just sit there in silence and shut down while they wait for me to intervene and I pretend like I am not there. I can never win! You would think that I would appreciate the time out and space to just be with my thoughts but I found that the freedom isn't exactly as exciting as I imagined it would be. As tiring as it is to be a mother and sister at times, after today I am looking at my life in a different way. These little people truly do make my life what it is and I cannot imagine my life without their noise, fights and everything else. It's deceiving to get caught up in what life could be if you had the opportunity to just be but what I realise now is that I cannot be without them. They give me a reason to come home and it is home because they are here otherwise it would just be an empty house. So the next time they are working on my nerves, I have this to remind me that they are the "e" in life because they are EVERYTHING to me.
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