WE HIDE TO MAKE PEOPLE COMFORTABLE

How many of us can really say we can be ourselves totally around the people that we love? In the moments when we are happy and everything seems to be going well, yes! we can be ourselves. The problem is during the times when we are at our lowest, when our pretty is not showing. Reminds me of a popular poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, THE INVITATION. There is a questions she asks in the poem that says, "I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it."

I think a lot of people do not know how to sit with pain, their own or that of someone else. We want to fix it and if we cant fix it, we feel that it means we are not being supportive enough. Truth is, sometimes when people are in pain, they don't want you to fix it, they don't want to hear advice on how it will get better.......all they want is someone to sit with them and not feel the need for words.

A lot of us go through so much pain but surprisingly those around us are oblivious to this, because we have learned that pain and vulnerability makes people uncomfortable, it makes them run away, it repels them away from you. We learn to rather smile and pretend that everything is fine because the minute we show what is hidden in our souls, those we thought cared turn the other way.

The other day I saw a friend's whatsapp status and it read, "it takes a strong man to love a broken woman." it hit home but it doesn't apply to just men, generally it takes a strong person to be able to handle someone who is broken, it takes courage to love someone who needs it but will not show it, it takes selflessness to take the pain of another and not make it about you, to look beyond the surface and find the person drowning in their turmoil and offer them a helping hand.

I have a friend who suffers from clinical depression and the other day we were chatting and I asked her why she wont allow me to be there for her? I shouldn't have asked that question because in that moment I made her issue about me. I also realise now, it is not easy to open up to people because that could possibly come with various labels. People expect you to be happy go lucky all the time and the minute you prove to be human, they turn the other way and take offence to your mood, making it about them instead of being supportive.

So we hide ourselves, we cry in secret and smile to the world just to be accepted. Just to keep people around us. However a question arises from all this? The people who wont allow us to be human, the people who turn away at a time when we need them the most, the people who expect us to always have it together, those who give up on us when we don't act the way they want.......are those people truly worth being in our lives? We shouldn't have to hide to make people feel comfortable. The people we need in our lives are those who understand that, we have bad days, we cry sometimes, we are weak on some days, we have flaws, we have disappointments but that's okay. The people who love us don't need us to hide, they love us even in our broken and ugly moments.

IT'S OKAY

We always try so hard to keep up appearances, fool people into thinking we have it all under control when the truth is, we are hanging on by a thread and it feels like the slightest push will have us falling apart.

Just this week alone, I had 3 assignment, a presentation and 2 semester tests to get through. I didn't even know where to start, with what. At some point during the day on campus, I found myself sitting in the car and crying, wondering whether I had really thought out this whole decision to work and study. I felt like I couldn't do it, a part of me wanted to quit everything at that exact moment.

I was having one of those moments when you realise that you are not as invincible as you had thought yourself to be. For some reason I feel that I am not performing at my peak, or maybe I am just pushing myself too hard? I don't know! I have always done extremely well at school, with minimum effort really and this time around, it seems despite taking out all my guns, I am still not coping.

Yesterday I got reminded that, it's okay. It really is okay not to be strong all the time, it really is okay to have someone other than you be top of the class. It is okay to cry, it is okay to feel you are not strong enough, it is okay to feel like you wanna throw in the towel. One cannot always perform at their peak, we all have moments where we feel nothing in us can hold on any longer.

But what sets us apart and what proves the resilience that lies within us, is not giving up even when we have plenty of reason to. It is believing we can even when we haven't really produced our absolute best, it is knowing that it is never too late to improve. Its okay to cry, because crying is what cleanses our hearts, crying is like sharpening your tool while you take a break. When you have wiped away your tears, you should be ready for the work that lies ahead because you have just given yourself a clean slate.

LOVE

Love is such a beautiful thing though. How can it not be when our Creator is love? Whenever people go on about how love is overrated and how it hurts and all these negative connotations that they attach to love, I am quick to remind them that loving the wrong person should never be confused with love not being as pure as we say it is.

Today we celebrate a day that evokes different emotions in different people. Valentine's Day. I think the reason why so many people are not able to embrace and enjoy this day is that they have somewhat attached the day to being in a relationship or having a partner. So usually when this day comes, single people find themselves highly miserable while pretending to the rest of the world that they don't care and claiming that they don't celebrate this day.

Love is such an inexplicable concept or emotion, there is so much to it that I think it is limiting to only associate the celebration of Valentines with being with a partner or lover. Love is all around us, in our interactions with our families, our friends, our colleagues, through the stranger who smiles at you as they walk passed etc. There are so many ways to be love, to give love and to receive love. From someone we are close to, from someone who may be a stranger.

When it comes to love, little ever follows logic or makes sense. We should therefore take it in in its fullest form and not separate ourselves from it on such a day because it comes to us in a form that does not fit societal norms. Take it in whether it comes from your partner, a friend, your child, colleague etc......do not push it away because it comes in a package that does not look like that of the next person.

Love in all situations, love wherever you find yourself, love where it is hard to, love when its the last thing you want to do, love to heal, love to give comfort. Find ways to show love and be love, to those around you, to the world. And remember, love has a ripple effect, the more of it we freely give away without expectation, the more of it we will receive.

Today instead of making Valentine a day for 2 people, make it about everyone around you. Everyone who touches your heart in some way. Celebrate them, celebrate that love.

HOW BLESSED WE ARE

Second week of lecturers and all I've been doing is moaning because of this and that and getting irritated with having to attend classes. Today in one of my evening classes I sat next to a lady who is blind. At first I was annoyed that I wanted to pass to a seat next to hers and she wasn't making way for me.

A few minutes into the class as she turned to ask the guys behind us if her voice recorder was on, I realised that she was blind. My first reaction was that of sympathy, which was feeling sorry for her. Then I remembered that just last week in one of my classes, we were taught the difference between sympathy and empathy.

Empathy is more than just feeling sorry for another person. It is trying to imagine life from their point of view, to try to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. I may lie and say I could put myself in her shoes but the truth is, I couldnt for a second imagine what it's like. To come to class and not be able to see the people you are interacting with, to have to rely on people reading to you what was being discussed in class (that is what I did when we were told to discuss questions put on the projector.

So many times when we see someone with a diability, our reaction is that of sympathy. And that clouds our judgement, we are not able to see passed what they "lack". I realised that alot of these people may have physical disabilities but make up for it in tons with talents and skills that they have. While discussing questions given in class with her, I was in awe of her critical thinking ability ad reasoning and it hit me then, why sympathy is disabling us people who do not have physical disabilities. There's so much more to a person, than what they lack that we have.

I also realised that everyday, we should thank God for our lives and all that we have. How incredibly blessed we are and how we take that for granted like it is owed to us. We moan and complain about this and that but fail to acknowledge that life could've been worse, I guess that's why even the Bible teaches us to be thankful in all circumstances. The truth is no matter how bad it seems, we always have something to be thankful for, something that should remind us of how truly blessed we are.

Today instead of feeling sorry for my blind colleague, I wanted to thank her for her resilience and the fact that despite her circumstances, she was sitting next to me in class trying to beat the odds, trying to make something of her life, choosing not to remain a slave to her disability. And in the process reminding me of how truly blessed I am and all the things that seem small at the time that I could be grateful for. That I should be thankful for.

SCHOOL

I am finally back at school, after a 5 year break. I wonder if I am still as sharp as I used to be back then. Classes started this week for us, with orientation and everything, I felt like such a first year. The registration process has changed so much, it is now self service and well me and technology have never been friends hey but I got through it.

Fretting over having to attend classes seeing that class attendance for my course is compulsory. I have always preferred to study by myself at home, being in class just rubs me up the wrong way. But I don't have a choice now, I have to make peace with it. Monday, we didn't get off to such a great start. First my timetable was wrong and then I couldn't find the venue for my other class. Its hard to believe that just a few years ago, I knew the corners of the campus like I know myself. Now I am your typical first year, getting lost and looking confused.

Tuesday went a whole lot better. Had my first class and the lecturer said something that reminded me of why I love this field so much. Human behaviour is such an interesting thing, you can never really and truly know so studying human beings means that we never get bored. Dr Boning said, "Human beings are truly complex beings and if you want to become a social worker you need to look beneath the surface to understand what is really going on. Often times people's actions are only a symptom of what is going on beneath the surface and you should not judged people solely on based on their actions but to try and find the root behind their specific action."

It was at that exact moment when she said that, that I knew I had made the right decision and that I was at the right place. Studying what I love and paving the way to finally doing what I love and what I am most passionate about.

This is the start of a new chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watch this space for the crowning glory.

HOW I MISS MOMMY

I  have been thinking a lot about my mother over the passed few days. I miss her and particularly the conversations that we used to have. My mother was my best friend, we spend a lot of our time fighting but when it really came down to what mattered, I knew that she had my back in a way no one else would.

Whenever I hit that time in my life when I need to make hard decisions, I find myself needing and missing my mom the most. She always knew what to say, how to put things into perspective and how to take a mess and just fold it up neatly to make sense. All this while making jokes and remaining so calm on the outside. She had this way of reassuring me that things would work out, even when nothing in the physical pointed in that direction.

I cant help but think, she would know what to do right now, what to say, how to make it okay.......we would sit in her room, she on the bed and me on the car in the corner next to the wardrobe. And I would pour my heart out to her in tears, she would listen attentively then say a few words after that to make it all seem so insignificant. My mother used to warn me about being too trusting and the type of people I let into my life, you know what they say about a mother always knowing? Yes, she always knew and she always warned me but I never listened. I guess I was hellbent on making my own mistakes so that I could learn from them. It is a weakness I have always had though, not a very sound judge of character and go into things blindly which got my fingers burnt more times than I cared to remember.

What would she say right now? I wish I could hear her voice, get her advice. But sometimes as much as we miss those who raised us, we have to trust what they instilled in us. That means, listening to and trusting the voice within.

HERE IS TO 2014

We all have dreams, the difference between all of us is whether we do something about those dreams. Do we chase them, do we take steps towards accomplishing them or do we just dream and fantasize and hope that they will materialize by themselves? I have declared this year, the year of action, the year that I put in the work to accomplish the dreams that I have. I have decided that, enough time has been spent on hoping and wishing for life to be a certain way. The only noticeable difference between me and the women I look up to and admired, is that they put in the work and make it happen.

A friend of mine said to me the other day that she is not looking forward to turning 30 and it was at that moment that I realised, wait!!! 30?? I am really getting old and the older I get, the older my daughter gets. If this was not motivation enough, then nothing would ever be. All parents want the best for their children, so I asked myself this morning, what will set me apart from the other parents? I want to be that parent who not only hopes for the best for the child but the kind who works tirelessly to ensure that, they bring the best forth.

Successful people are no different from ordinary people. What sets them apart from the rest of us is the work they put in. The conversations that they have, the people that they surround themselves with and the fact that, they are willing to be uncomfortable now in order to live the life they want in the future. Nothing of value is ever attained without some kind of sacrifice on your part and in order to make the changes that one hopes to make, you need to be prepared as well to sacrifice, compromise and commit. That is the only way up.

Circumstances will never be favourable, its the courage to start when the timing seems wrong that eventually paves the way and makes conditions go in our favour. So destiny is not something that is written in the stars for you from the beginning of time, destiny is what you create for yourself. Through your choices and what you choose to invest in. It is knowing that wishing and hoping doesn't change your position but work and discipline do.

This year I hope for myself, the passion and commitment to make my dreams come true. The faith to believe that God has destined for me bigger and better but that in the here and now, I need to put in the work to finally have all He has in store for me.