A MOMENT OF SHARING

Yesterday I had one of uplifting moments of taking the mask off. I recently spoke at an event about how we wear masks as people, to hide our pain and disappointments and we seldom show our true self because we are afraid people will judge us and not accept us.

So yesterday I found myself in the midst of very strong women and one of them opened this specific topic by questioning how women have gone against the instruction from God. In the book of Ephesians (it's in the Bible in case you not sure what I am talking about), we are instructed as women to respect our husbands and for them to love us. She went on to say maybe God put it this way because He knew if we loved we would have trouble keeping our sanity. We all know a woman who lost her mind because she was in love or maybe we are that woman. She went on to argue that it would be hard for women to just respect and not love because it's in our very nature to love and nurture. I agree.

The topic then progressed to sharing experiences of current and previous relationships when we had lost our minds and acted out of character because of the actions of the people we had entrusted our hearts too. The stories made us laugh and cringe and things came up from the ladies that made one think, we are really not alone in our struggles and hearing the experiences of others makes you thankful for the ones you thought you couldn't bare because you realise in that moment that it could have been worse.

I have always been very vocal about my story because I believe if one person can hear it, it may save them from having to endure what I did. It was therefore refreshing to be sitting with women who didn't feel the need to wear masks and play along to society's expectation that we need to be strong all the damn time and never admit that we are hurting. And no we were not having a pity party because we didn't just sit there and pretend to be victims of our circumstances. We shared our lessons and were even able to relate what those different experiences had taught us. The point is not to dwell in what happened to you but to reflect on it in a way that allows you to learn whatever lesson the Universe wanted you to learn.

Things do not just happen for our amusement, even the very things that you think will kill you serve some purpose in your life. I suppose the trick is to keep it moving and to find the lesson and not be stuck in the way that you feel, to rather choose to be enlightened because of the pain you have experienced.

At the end of the day, we were all able to look back on our hurts and disappointments and find a sense of gratitude because we realize how we have grown because of them. We always think that if we could go back in time we would do things differently, I say, even if you did go back in time, chances are you would repeat the same mistakes again because you wouldn't know what you know now after having gone through the experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to have shared and learnt from my fellow sisters. We can never change the past, but we can choose to have a different future because we have altered our perceptions and what we are willing to take from the bad that we have seen.

 

CROSSROADS

You know what they say about being stuck between a rock and hard place? Have you ever found yourself in such a situation? Having to make a decision and not knowing which one to make. Sometimes you know but all the choices available to you come with some risk and being human, it's only natural to want to take the route that has the minimum risk.

Without delving into details let's just say I recently found myself in such a situation. Having to choose between what I want to do and what I have to do. The disadvantage of not being young and carefree is that, the choices you have to make are no longer just about you but there are other people in your life too that you have to consider and think about. You have to go through that consideration because you know that whatever you decide will affect them as well.

What do you do when you find yourself at a crossroad? Turn left or right, move backward or forward or stay put. You have 5 options available to you but whichever one you make leaves you with 3 possibilities.....you either find what your soul yearns for or you dont but find something better than you had hoped for or you fall behind.

It's both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Terrifying because you are forging into the unknown and exciting because you have the chance to make a decision that could possibly set the tone for how the rest of your life is going to be. The thing that makes being at a crossroad so difficult is our need as human beings to be comfortable and safe and I've spoken about how this need can hold us back and limit us.

There's also the fear, that annoying voice in your head that manages to come up with all the reasons why you shouldn't take the plunge, why it's too risky and why you may fail. If you not careful that voice has the ability to overpower your dreams and the possibilities to a point that you don't believe in them anymore.

If you wondering what I did with my recent crossroad: The answer is that I decided to move forward and take the plunge. Am I scared? Oh hell yes I am but thinking of the options I had, I decided that my dreams of the future were to be more powerful than my fears and even if I don't know what the outcome will be, I resolved that it was better to try and fail than live with the regret of what if.

That's the only option that's ever availed to us at a crossroad. The choice to discard our fears,  to leave the comfort of what we know in pursuit of what our hearts truly desire. Life has no safety nets and everyday between being born and dying, we are given countless opportunities to be reborn, to seek the treasure that makes us toss and turn at night. Those things that we yearn for can only be found once we are willing to make those hard choices and decisions. When we finally find that our dreams mean more to us than staying put and waiting, in that moment, we know that even when multiple arrows are presented before us pointing in different directions, we will gladly choose the option that scares us the most but puts us a step closer to what we desire.

GRATITUDE

 I woke up this morning and realized that I truly do have all I need. In that same breath, the words of a close friend echo in my mind and I hear her say, "Retha, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need." And I think to myself, God bless her arse, she is right.

I find my joy in the simple things, comforting my baby when she cries, getting a squeeze from her tiny hands and hearing her say she loves me and I am her "queenie", listening to her scream over the TV while I try to study, when she wakes up and laughs when she sees my face.

Im happy when I get home after a long day and meet someone who jumps with joy at seeing my face. When I can just be and pour a glass of wine and take my bra off and not have to pretend to be anything but me in that moment.

Such a full life, one that I want to enjoy each and every second of.

I'm thankful. To God, for all He gives me and who I am in Him. For family and the shared tears and the truths told that others cant face with me.

I'm thankful for a job, however stressful it may be. It allows me to provide and do for myself. But more than that, its a place that has ignited my spark, where I found my purpose and confirmed for myself that there is nothing is I would rather do than invest my time and efforts into making things better for the next person. I am thankful for those cases I encounter in my line of work, the ones that make me cry behind closed doors for they make me a stronger person, more appreciative of all that I have. I am thankful for my supervisor, someone who has taken me under her wing and continues to guide me in this journey of fulfillment. She's more than that, she is the fighter who shows me what it is not to spare any sacrifice so others can be helped.

I'm thankful for the circle of friends that grows smaller but stronger with age. The sisters I have met through Christ, those one who pray with and for me. Who are not worried with the details but merely ensuring that I know I am never alone in whatever I come across. The sisters who have my back and make me laugh. The people who get my crazy and never try to make me anything else. Girls, I have gained so much from my encounters with you. I love you. I appreciate you. And I am thankful for every moment and all roads travelled that led me to the sisterhood I found in you ladies. La itseba!

I'm thankful for the food I eat, the books I can read, for taking a shit and getting that sense of relief, for laughs shared, tears shed, memories made, dreams achieved and those that still keep me awake at night and inspiring me to wake up in the mornings.

Thankful for being alive and having a full life

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT WE ARE GAINING

We all have things that we are working towards. Dreams that we want to achieve. In the process we give all that we can to them and we expect to see results, some change, a sign that we are in the right direction but we don't always get that.
Sometimes you put in the work, make the sacrifices yet from where you are standing it still seems like nothing is working out the way that you had hoped. You start to doubt yourself and even start to believe that maybe you are fighting for the wrong thing, chasing a dream that may never come true.
What we don't understand and realise is that while in the process we may not get what we want, we are getting something else that may not be so obvious. The problem is our need to be instantly gratified, to do something only for a few days or months and then see results. You go to the gym for a week without fail and at the end of that week, you hop onto the scale expecting the number to have gone down. You write a few ideas down, attend meetings here and there with people who seem to get what your vision is about and expect to see the money rolling in after a few attempts. When it doesn't happen in this way, that need for immediate gratification clouds your judgement and you want to give up and start chasing the next thrill.
In wanting to achieve the things we desire we become obsessed with results. To the point where we forget to enjoy the moment of the journey and to learn some valuable lessons in the process. Did you know that when trying to lose weight, in the first few weeks or months the number on the scale may go up and not down? It's not to say you are not making progress because what is actually happening is that you are losing fat and gaining muscle and that's why the number is going up, muscle weighs more than fat if you didn't know. So you look at the scale and tell yourself that you are failing and that need for instant results over powers you and you want to give up. The same thing if you trying to start a business or whatever your dream may be, you want instant results and when that doesn't happen, you deem yourself a failure and want to give up.
Have you tried to look at the process from a different angle? Not getting what you want, when you want it but gaining so much more in the process. Learning to embrace failure which is just another way to know what works because you tried it and you can now eliminate one item off your list that you know for sure won't bring your results. You have gained a lesson. A lesson you wouldn't have otherwise learnt had you gotten what you desire immediately.
Patience from having to wait it out and knowing when to act and when to step back. Resilience from having failed but still had the courage to try again. This trait can only be developed because you had to overcome something you initially thought you couldn't. Strength which you get from falling and tripping but never growing weary of trying. These are the things that the process teaches you, the things you can never have if you always get what you want, when you want it. The things you will never be able to embrace and learn if all you are focused on is making it and getting results.
Anything worth having needs to be fought for because in the battle you learn and develop all these traits that will help you preserve and sustain what you want when you finally get it. Even in the times when it seems like nothing is going your way, the work put in is not producing results instead of growing despondent, just change your perspective and you will realise that even when you don't get what you want, there is something that you have gained.

WHAT THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

A week ago, I attended a bridal shower in Lesotho with my sister. This was not your usual type of bridal shower, or my idea of one. When I hear the word bridal shower what comes to mind is a kinky theme, girls gone wild and drinks all night. Sort of like celebrating your last weekend as a single woman. This one was different though as majority of attendees were the bride's family:  mother, aunts, grannies etc. The friends only made up 5% of the total number. I was already yawning when we got there because I expected it to be boring.

Speeches we made by the elders to congratulate the bride to be, we ate and had champagne. Had dessert and even went for a second helping. Though the shower didn't fit the script of the norm I ended up enjoying myself and learning so much. Then they had that part where all the married elders go to a secluded room with the bride to be to give her pearls of wisdom for the chapter she is about to embark on. Since I had my glimpse of marriage in the past, I ticked myself fit to be part of that meeting. I was curious about what goes on in there. You see some of us never had the pleasure of experiencing such, we just jumped into the deep end and thought we would learn to swim along the way and MAYBE that's why we drowned.

I loved how the lady who opened the conversation started, when she said, "we are not here to scare you but to prepare you for the journey ahead. Remember everyone who will be speaking will do so depending on their context and their view of marriage. You don't have to take everything you hear but pave your own foundation in your own marriage." That spoke volumes to me, not taking anything away from the experience of elders and what years in a marriage may have taught them, sometimes they expect what they say to be taken as the only truth of what being married can be and that is not always a true reflection.

The elders then began to share their thoughts. Everything from the importance of humility, standing your ground, building your own traditions and customs as a new family, how to handle your in laws, submission and how to deal with affairs if and when they arise in your marriage. What stood out for me is how giving in on your marriage was never made an option. What do you do if you have really tried all you could but it still doesn't work? But more than that it spoke to how our generation lacks tolerance and the patience to stick through it during the rough patches. Several women spoke about the first and second honeymoon. The first one being right after the wedding and the second one being years into the marriage when you have faced the storms together and hated each other and acted out of character but somehow found your way back to each other and the love that initially brought you together in the first place.

So I learned, marriage is not a bed of roses and the tough times are not always an indication that you should give up. Sometimes you just need to stay put and hold on and God can help you pass the storm. I was sitting there thinking why is it only married women who are allowed to partake in this discussions because there is so much single ladies, especially those aspiring to marriage can learn through these talks. Why only be prepared a few weeks before the wedding when these pearls of wisdom are needed even prior to the wedding date? Not only to prepare you for getting married but possibly also to tell if you are ready or not and if you really willing to do all that is said to be the foundation for a good marriage.

In the same breath I wondered if men were also taken through the same process just before marriage or it was expected only from the women. Something that came up quite frequently in what was said is how a woman is responsible for building her home. I suppose that's a fact but does it take responsibility away from the role and part that the man needs to play? You can only do so much as a woman. If the man is not prepared or equipped, no amount of preparation and words can help the woman succeed because this is not a fight you engage in solo. I think both men and women should go through this preparatory phase and maybe the institution of marriage has a better chance of succeeding. A boxer can have all the preparation before a fight but if he is going to go into the ring alone can he really say he has won? You need an opponent to fight with to claim victory but in the case of marriage, the other party is not your opponent but someone who will fight equally hard to ensure that both of you win and your marriage wins

DO YOUR PART

Few days ago I had one of those days when you can't wait to get home, take your shoes off and drink a glass of wine. I had been at school from 8am in the morning trying to sort out issues around my registration and getting recognition for the modules I did in my previous degree. I woke up bright and early determined to beat the queues and finish early but I had another thing coming as students were there in numbers when I got there. I stood in 1 queue for what seemed like forever, 2 hours to be exact, only to be told I was in the wrong queue.

I was pointed in what was said to be the right queue but the lady there couldnt help me either. At least the queue there was shorter. Went to the third point now, walking around mind you in the blazing sun and just feeling irritable and annoyed. Got there and was told it's the wrong point and was sent to another one. QUEUE AGAIN! At that moment I have to admit that my patience levels were non existent and anything and everything just seemed to annoy me. I have yet to master this virtue they call patience, still have a long way to go. I eventually got assistance at the last point and by then I had already missed 2 classes despite being on campus since 8am. It was just after midday. 

I took a taxi home and put on my headsets, determined to push the happenings of the day to the back of my mind but not feeling any less annoyed at this stage. I always have my headsets packed in my bag for days like these when I just want to get home and not have anyone try to start a conversation with me along the way. I got off at my stop, went to the local spaza to get a few necessities and this boy, couldn't have been more than 13 years of age, approaches me and asks me to buy bread for him to eat when he gets home.

What caught my attention was that he didn't ask for money, he asked that I buy him food so I believed his request was genuine. A closer look at him and his uniform is not only dirty but torn so I asked him to come closer. He goes on to explain after questioning him that he lives with his mom and grandmother and both are unemployed so there is no food in the house. I buy him milk and bread and give him a R10 and walk away.

But my heart is tearing from the inside, so many questions run through my mind and I wonder how they survive. Here I am annoyed at the day I had and this boy is walking back from school, probably tired and wondering what he is going to eat when he gets home. I can't help but be thankful, for my life and all that I have. It's not much but at least my family and I don't go to bed on an empty stomach.

I am overwhelmed but I know that I must do my part to change the world. It may not be the whole world but if I can change one person's life I would have done more than enough. Walking home after that encounter, I saw the importance of following through with my vision for Born To Conquer.

THE BIGGEST LIE

You know what I liked about Khanyi Mbau back then when she was still chasing fame and wealth? She was unapologetic about it. You look at her now and see that she's grown so much over the years and made so many changes but even then when her behaviour wasn't exactly a "norm" she lived by her own rules and never pretended to be anything that she wasn't. Whether you agreed or not wasn't the point, she stuck to what she wanted and believed at the time.

Now I don't get people who know they are one thing but act to our faces like they are something completely different. People who try to uphold standards set by society only as far as we can see but turn around and do what is truly them in private. People who say what sounds right and acceptable when they don't really believe in it. Whose fooling who here?
We all need to come to a place where we stick to our truth, whatever it may be instead of trying to please the people around us by doing what they want while not even doing it at all, just merely pretending so that they think the right things about us. Given that we all show different sides to who we are depending on the people we are with but at the core of it all, needs to lie who we truly are. We can't be preaching one thing and doing another, saying this but doing that.

I would rather someone be true and show me all of them and give me the fair choice to decide if I want to associate with them or not. Not someone who says and does what they think will gain them my approval while having no intentions to live by those things when I turn my back and look the other way.

I don't know if it's a quote out there or something I made up in my overworking mind but at any time you lie, you may deceive the rest of us but the biggest lie you tell is the one you tell yourself. It's too much of a burden to try and live life wanting to please others and living a lie in the process. Just be yourself, whatever your self is. It may not make you favourable but you can at least live knowing that you aren't ashamed of the choices you make and how you behave, you owe yourself that much. Don't try and win us over with lies, don't portray yourself in any way other than the one that is a true reflection of who you are.