MAINTAIN YOUR CONTROL

Life doesn't always ask for our permission to happen. We make all the plans in the world and sometimes I think it just watches in amusement and decides to spin things around. The lesson here is that we are not always in control and we have to learn to ride the wave from whatever angle it comes.

As much as this is true, I want to talk about a few things that we do have control over and the importance of maintaining that control for the sake of our sanity. I for one don't handle stress very well and while I have had to learn to keep my stress within acceptable lanes, I have also learned that I can feed things in my life to lessen the stress.

1. Your environment. For me that is my home and who and what I allow into that space. Not everyone has the privilege of having a conducive work environment, not with the work load and conflict with colleagues that you may face but what happens in your home, that you have control over. You may spend your days putting out fires but when you go home at the end of the day, that should be the space where you have peace and security. The place where you should be able to take off the burdens of the world and just be. Your home should be your sanctuary. 

2. Your relationships. There are people in your life that you have no choice but to co-exist with no matter how strained the relationship is but not everyone in your life should reflect that. You have a choice about who you allow in your life and whether to accept what they bring to the table. The older I get the more deliberate I have learned to be about who I allow in my life and the less scared I've become to burn bridges especially those that lead nowhere. I choose to give my time and efforts where they are reciprocated and to be okay with walking away from situations that are not beneficial to my peace and sanity. It's become important for me to invest of myself where I know there will be returns and I now know that the right relationships would never ask anything of me that they were not prepared to give in return.

3. Your time. Time wasted can never be regained so one has to be conscious of how they spend their time and what activities they engage in. You have to know that you can't honour every single invite for lunch especially when it means sacrificing other important things that you could be doing with your time. Important could be relative in this context because you may not understand why someone declines a lunch date to go sit at home but for me it could be important because being a working mommy who is also studying, late nights and weekends away from the house become a norm, a day off doesn't always equate to a lunch date but an opportunity to lie in bed the whole day with my daughter and watch cartoons. Not only that but I'm conscious of what I spend my time watching, reading or listening to.

Maintaining control in these 3 areas of my life has allowed me the strength and peace to be able to deal with those things in my life that I cannot control. We are not completely helpless to what happens in our lives and sometimes it is making small changes that allows us to see the bigger ones. Cultivate a life that feeds your peace instead of living life dealing with one stressor after the other. You are not in control of everything but choose to steer the wheel in the direction you want in those things that you can control. 

FITNESS STRUGGLES

Last year I wrote a blog about when life happens to you while you are trying to live a healthy lifestyle and lets just say that piece didn't do much to motivate me, in fact I totally gave up the idea of healthy living after I wrote it. 

Naturally then the worst followed and before I could even snap out of it I had boobies on my back. My clothes didn't fit but instead of doing something about it, I kept feeling sorry for myself and the weight piled on. My eating habits didn't help much either. Beginning of this year while doing a series of posts on my BORN TO CONQUER page about conquering thyself, I had to take an honest look at myself and admit to all those things in my life that I wanted to change and my weight was one of them.

I started the year weighing just over 80kg and it is not pretty. I don't like how it feels and worse how it looks.  So I made a commitment to myself to end this year weighing 65kg and the work began for me. I started by downloading videos on my phone and an app that tracks my distance and time everytime I go jogging. I'm proud to say that I've been active for 5 weeks straight, that means 5 times a week consistently I have either run or done half an hour of exercising,  anything from skipping to squats to abs. This is the longest I have been consistent with any form of working out in over a year so that's progress. I have gone from running 5k in about 40 minutes to now doing it in just under 30 minutes. And yesterday I did 12km in an hour and 10 minutes which is my farthest distance to date. And you know what people told me about once I start and commit to it, it will be difficult to stop, they were right. It's not easy, waking up at 5am to go running it's still a mission but I am forging ahead and every time I manage to go further than I did the last time, I become encouraged to go even further. 

I haven't been able to stay off the junk food completely but that is a work in progress and my biggest battle still remains walking away from a glass of Coke but even that is not enough to discourage me. You see what the last 5 weeks have taught me is that if you can win the battle in your head then you are halfway there. It really does start with telling yourself that you can beat the limitations that exist in your head. 

My biggest supporter through all this has been my fitness crazy friend Allo Love, who has always told me that it's doable even when I didn't believe it and I don't think she knows just how it motivates me sending her screenshots of my new records and having her celebrate that with me. I am thankful for her support, it keeps me going. And every time I log onto that Nike App and see that she's put in another run, I can't help but be inspired to jump out of bed and do my part.

When I started this journey I made a vow to stay off the scale. I don't want to become obsessed with numbers and reaching my goal weight so unfortunately at this stage, I can't share if I have lost any weight. I don't look any different from when I started and my clothes still don't fit but I feel alive and I feel like I can conquer the world. When this year ends, I vow to myself that I will be wearing shorts and I am not giving up till that happens. The journey continues and everyday that I wake up and run or skip or do some aerobics, I know that nothing but what I tell myself and my level of commitment will stop me from reaching my goal. 

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO WORK ON????

The last few weeks leading up to 2016 I think the phrase that I have said the most to everyone I spoke to was that I can't wait for the New Year to start.  I still don't have the words but I am excited about this year and the endless possibilities that are in front of me.

Besides the fact that this is my final year as a social work student and this means it won't be long now before I step comfortably into a role that I've been working towards for the past 2 years. There's also the excitement of launching my first book, Stepping Out Naked: Lessons learnt from wounds exposed (call me or drop me an email on rlglenkoe@gmail.com if you would like a copy of the book), a book that took me just over a year to wrap up, it's about my experiences and lessons learnt from those experiences. These are just the tip of the iceberg for me because I feel like there is so much in store for me this year.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, there's always that sense of excitement that comes with a new year and starting over and trying again if we had previously failed. Often we think that a clean slate is all we need to accomplish the many things that are on our list and we make plans, the date changes but we don't.

We remain the same people, with the same self-destructive habits and thoughts that we had in the previous year. Then we get shocked that a new year didn't bring with it all the changes that we hoped for. As much as I feel like this year is going to be different, I also realize that there are things that I need to work on and change before I am able to live out my dreams.

You see if we don't change then a new year doesn't change anything in our lives. So you need to be asking yourself beyond making a list of all your goals and jotting down those steps that will enable you to reach them, what do you need to change about yourself or work on in 2016?

Failure to ask this question and answer it honestly only means that, you may become your own barrier. The very thing that stops you from attaining your goals. If you don't question your habits, your thoughts and your surroundings, you may just end the year in the same place that you started in. It's important to realize that for life to change you also have to do your part and the part you need to play involves more than just knowing how you are going to achieve your dreams, it requires that you also change. 

What habits do you have that are counterproductive? Is it an inability to keep time, spending too much time talking and not doing? What negative thoughts do you need to discard? Do you want to achieve something in your life but privately telling yourself that you can't? That you are not good enough or even worthy? What are you surrounding yourself with? Are you wasting your life going to a job that you hate? Are you keeping company with people who inspire you to grow or people who tell you to play it safe?

If the very same things that held you back in 2015 are still in your life, do you realize how life cannot change for you nor can you produce different results. As I was writing down all the things that I want to achieve this year, I asked myself these uncomfortable questions about what I needed to work on to ensure that I was someone capable of achieving the things that I wrote down.

And here's my answer. And I am sharing it with you so I can hold myself accountable throughout the year.

1. I need to learn to be still. Life will throw you curve balls and your patience will be tested. It's a natural reaction to want to respond to everything and defend oneself but this year I want to learn to be still. To breathe before I react to anything and ask myself, is it important or worth it. I want to learn that everything is not worth a response and sometimes we have to be willing to lose the battle so we can win the war. The trick this year is not to get worked up over things that don't matter.

2. I am enough and I am capable. I want this to be my mantra, my affirmation and a reminder that every day I wake up, I am doing what I can and that’s okay. I want to walk in this knowledge and never doubt myself.

3. Peace. I want to have peace and live with peace in my heart. Life reflects back to us the things we may not be willing to acknowledge and I know now that a chaotic life is just a reflection of what's going on inside. If I can live with peace in my heart, the people around me and my surroundings will be a reflection of that.

So what do you need to work on and change to make 2016 your best year yet? Be honest with yourself and when you have the answer commit to making those changes so you can achieve the goals that you have set for yourself. You cannot conquer the world without first conquering yourself. You have to change so the things and people around you can change.

Wishing you love and life in abundance. May 2016 be the year that you conquer.

STOP HURTING YOURSELF

There's no greater truth than the saying; "you can’t control everything that happens to you but you can control how you react to it." So much of our pain is self-inflicted. 

It's not the things that have happened that hurt you but your thoughts about what happened that continue to hurt you long after the incident has passed. When something happens that hurts us or makes us feel disappointed or even betrayed, the feelings that come with it only last a few minutes or possibly hours. But the days, weeks and months you spent hurting about that thing is what you inflict on yourself. 

You continue to replay what happened, asking yourself why and maybe even punishing yourself for having let it happen. How you process the incident or event is what is holding you captive not the actual thing that went down. 

When my relationship with my fiancé ended, it wasn't the end that was causing me so much pain. It was my thoughts over the break up that kept the pain alive. I was feeding it with my thoughts, thoughts about why he left, what people would say etc. I was entertaining these negative thoughts and they were in turn fuelling the pain that I felt. But the truth is it wasn't what my ex did that was hurting me, I was choosing to hurt myself every day that I was allowing these thoughts to consume me. 

I didn't realize that I had no control over what happened but I had a choice in how I was reacting to it and the platform that I was giving this hurt in my life. 

Every second that you choose to dwell on the things people did or didn't do, what you did or failed to do, you continue to inflict pain on yourself and deny yourself the opportunity to regroup and get yourself together. You can't think straight while you are consumed with pain and you can't move on with your life whilst still replaying the past in your head. Thinking of ways to blame yourself or the person who did you wrong? 

Whatever happens in your life is meant to happen, to either teach you a lesson or to distance you from people whose part in your life is over. If you keep staring at the closed door long enough, you miss all the other doors that are opening right in front of your eyes because you have managed to convince yourself that you are hurting when all it is is a flawed thought process. A process that is making you stay in your place of hurt instead of realizing the beauty of what happened. 

Every bad thing that happens in your life is an eye opener, calling you to awareness and pushing you to a place you couldn't have gotten to had the incident not taken place. The Universe is making moves in your favor, teaching you about life, people and yourself. Things you wouldn't have the privilege of knowing if all went as you pleased all the time. 

I would never advice one to deny their pain, to pretend like it doesn't exist but I am saying question why it hurts as bad as it does, question your thoughts about what happened and aim to find out if you aren't the one that keeps stabbing yourself in a wound that wasn't so deep to begin with. Ask yourself why you are choosing to stay in that place of hurt; do you think it validates you, you think if you stay there long enough it takes something away from the person who hurt you or are you staying there because you are making excuses, using what happened as a scapegoat that's exempting you from taking responsibility and doing what you must. 

Don't get caught up in the sympathy that comes with having an injury that you end up not realizing when you have healed because you are afraid you will lose the attention that came with being injured. Eventually the band aid needs to come off,  you need to let go of the things that caused you pain and realize that you are responsible for yourself and no one can take anything away from you that you don't willingly give

DEAR FEAR

Why have I allowed you to consume my thoughts, my life? Why have I believed the lies you told me and the reasons you gave me everytime I wanted to do something in life? Why did I think you could have so much power over me and my dreams?

I look at my life and mourn for all the things I could have achieved,  the places I could have seen and the people I would have met, if only I learned early on in my life that you only have as much power in my life as I allow you to. All along I thought I was a victim to your games, I considered myself helpless and gave in to your demands. When the truth is you were only surviving because I kept feeding you instead of starving you to death. I wanted you out of my life but everytime you reached for the door knob, I pulled you back and held on to you. 

I should have let you go the day I realised that you were standing between me and my dreams. I should have kicked you out the day you tried to convince me that my greatness didn't exist. But I let you stay and take over every corner of my thoughts till I almost forgot who had the keys to your place of residence. 

I continued to fight you but at the end of the day, when no one was watching, I curled up in bed with you and cuddled you like your warmth was the only possibility there was. I knew you were holding me back but I kept trying to go forward without cutting off the ties that were between us. No wonder it was so hard to go anywhere, I was your slave and obeying your every command. 

You told me it was safer where I was so I didn't try to be anywhere else. You told me the world was cruel and it would reject anything I tried to bring forth so I dismissed the ideas I had and learned to be satisfied with only waking up in the morning. You told me people only care about themselves so you help me build a wall to keep myself safe but forgot to mention that the same wall would also block out any light that aimed to enter my life. You watched me scream silently and led me to believe that no one could hear me but it was you all along who was suppressing my voice so my scream wouldn't be loud enough. 

I've finally had enough. Enough of watching others live so fully while I was holding on to what you were promising me. I'm tired of being scared, of being afraid to live and try and dare to fail. I'm exhausted from playing small so you could be comfortable and feel big. You have overstayed your welcome,  kept me too long from erupting like the volcano I know I am. You need to leave. 

No rephrase that. You are leaving! Because I have grown too much and you no longer have space here. There is not enough room for both of us to co-exist and since I am calling the shots here, you are the one who needs to disappear. I need to start living,  I need to start being awesome, I need to start living out my dreams, I need to break down the walls so light can reach me and I can finally breathe. I need to start being all that I can be and I can't do that while wrestling with you. 

Goodbye fear. Hello life.

ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY

This topic sounds so familiar, besides having spoken on the same subject a few weeks ago at a workshop, I feel like I have written about it before. But what the heck, maybe you need a reminder the same way I do right now.  The last few weeks, days, have been rather hectic on the heart. First it was school, then it was home, then it was betrayal, hurt,  longing and then there was work. Where do you even begin when the walls are closing down on you? When all attempts fail and you just find yourself sinking deep into a hole? We all have our different crutches and escape methods. While in the past I've been very vocal about my struggles and pain, its often left me with regrets more than anything. So I went back to my most trusted method whenever I was in a bad state, grab a box of tissue and paper and write till I had no words left. The beautiful thing about using pen and paper as a weapon is that you can be totally naked and not worry about being judged. You can be completely vulnerable and not feel like a weakling. You can tell yourself that it's okay not to be okay without feeling like you are disappointing anyone else. At times you just need the platform to be, knowing that things will eventually work out but not before you surrender to what is and what you feel in the moment. You know that this too shall pass but you don't have to act like the reassurance makes it hurt any less. You just take the moment for what it is and allow it to teach you what it must without rushing through the process because it's expected of you to keep it together and not cry. And you can cry as much as you need to for when you stop, you never have to deal with unresolved feelings that you swept under the rug. More than allowing myself to feel the way that I do, I have tried to find comfort in His word. Overdosing on sermons by Bishop TD Jakes, I find myself shouting YESSSSSSSS! like a crazy woman because I am reminded that its okay not to be okay but I will be okay. I've found something incredibly beautiful in being able to cry out to God because He knows. He doesn't only know me but He knows the things I try to hide from the world. And because He said to bring my burdens to Him because He cares. He doesnt only care but He has promised to work all things for my good, the good and the bad and that's why surrendering to Him is such a joy, because He said that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for me and my present suffering will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. I get why pain has a purpose, why our plans need to be wrecked and leave us in limbo. So we can realise that our might means nothing, that we have no control because He is the One who should be in charge. I get that sometimes things fall apart so He can rebuilt them, so we can know that we are nothing without Him. I understand that troubles are meant to draw us closer to Him because He is the source of life and when we go around like we are in control, we might just forget to plug into Him and draw from Him.The last few weeks have been tough and I have accepted being okay with not being okay. This time is working in my favour even during the times that it doesn't feel that way. Even when I don't have the answers, I have found myself and who I am in Him through this process and I can say with confidence, it's okay not to be okay because God is going to ensure the passing of this season. It's going to be alright. No matter how it looks now, I will not lose sight of that. 

I WOULDN'T BE ANYWHERE ELSE

I was writing my Psychology exam today and naturally studying days or weeks ahead of time, I always feel like I don't know my work and I am not ready. So the closer I get to writing the more things start to make sense and the night before is always crazy. That means I got very little sleep and after the exam all I wanted to do was go home and sleep but I had to go to work. *sigh*

The whole time I was at work I was thinking about how I'm going to jump into bed and enjoy being home alone because my daughter and niece wouldn't be there. The plan was to get myself a bottle of wine after my shift, get home and pour a glass and enjoy it in my birthday suit. Then I remembered that I was cutting down on the alcohol (that's been going great because in the last 2 months I've only bought 2 bottles), sleeping was a much better option for when I get home.

I arrived to any empty house, which felt kind of weird. Then I didn't know what to do with myself. I switched on the TV and watched a movie but the whole time I was thinking about how we would be laughing at this stupid guy on the screen with my niece and how bored I really am.

It's funny because with the kids here, I always tell them that I look forward to the day we move into a bigger house, where I would come home and lock myself in the room and they wouldn't even know that I am here.  My daughter turns 5 in a few days while my niece is 19 years old but you would be forgiven for calling me any day when they are here and thinking I was running a Day Care Centre. From the moment I walk through the door, my daughter is already going into a full account of how her day was and who did what to her. My niece, typical of her age is on her phone chatting the evening away. But when the two of them collide, which by the way is almost every day, I have to forget how tired I am from school and work and play referee to their fights. 

It's exhausting and sometimes I just sit there in silence and shut down while they wait for me to intervene and I pretend like I am not there. I can never win! You would think that I would appreciate the time out and space to just be with my thoughts but I found that the freedom isn't exactly as exciting as I imagined it would be. As tiring as it is to be a mother and sister at times, after today I am looking at my life in a different way. These little people truly do make my life what it is and I cannot imagine my life without their noise, fights and everything else. It's deceiving to get caught up in what life could be if you had the opportunity to just be but what I realise now is that I cannot be without them. They give me a reason to come home and it is home because they are here otherwise it would just be an empty house. So the next time they are working on my nerves, I have this to remind me that they are the "e" in life because they are EVERYTHING to me.