Very few people have heard me talk about my dad. Me and him didnt have the kind of relationship that allowed me to share jolly stories with those I interact with, so I chose instead not to talk about him.
My dad was an introvert, those extremes types who never said a word unless you spoke to him first. I grew up not liking my father, mainly because of the things I had grown up witnessing. My parents got divorced in October 2000 and for a long time after that, I didnt have any kind of relationship with my dad. That was until I saw him and my mother get along after their split and it seemed kind of stupid for me to still hold a grudge against him.
The problem though was building and sustaining a relationship. It was hard to try and built on something that did not have a foundation while I was growing up. I think my dad and I only started to patch things up after the birth of my daughter. I had never seen my father light up as he did everytime that he was in his granddaughter's presence. "Oprah" as he affectionately called her, brought out a sight in my dad I never had the privilege to witness as I was growing up. And the more of that sight I saw, the less our past mattered because I felt that he would make up for the things he did by being the best grandfather ever.
The fact that he was my only surviving parent also made me open up my heart and begin to embrace him. In the months leading up to his death, I recall for the very first time in my life my dad and I talking openly, about life and the future. We were healing. We were reaching a place that seemed so impossible to reach just a few years ago. The last time I saw and spoke to my dad, he spoke of my wedding day. I dont recall my dad being that excited when I graduated, I dont doubt that he was happy but the way he spoke about the wedding. He told me about this suit he was going to buy and that he was going to invite his best friend from Joburg to attend. He beemed with pride, I guess like one of my friends said the other day, "your dad would have been proud to see you in that white gown because for him, it would have said, despite his shortcomings he had raised an incredible and amazing being."
It made so much sense what she said. I look at myself today and say, he couldnt have been such a bad guy because I am proud of how I turned out, I am proud of the seed that he produced and even the negative traits that I may have taken from him, they have ultimately made me the woman that I am today.
What hurts me the most is that we were on our journey of recovering and it was cut short. I think a part of me will always wonder, what could have been.............I wonder who will walk me down the aisle now. how the perfect day will be perfect with both my parents not there.
I am thankful though, for the fights and lessons, for the path that strengthened me and made me appreciate life and be a fighter. I am thankful for his strong traits that I inherited that allow me to be my own person with my own voice who doesnt get sucked in by the crowd.
No matter what, I was your little girl and I loved you.
Lesole Johannes Lenkoe
Born: 28 March 1942
Died: 17 December 2013
May you find eternal rest till we meet again.
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