WEIGHT BLUES

I was supposed to start aerobics classes yesterday but life happened and I couldn't make it to the class. Well there's still today and the day after you may say but yesterday basically represented my life for the past few years. I'm going to start eating healthy today but as soon as I get to the office I'm consumed by every craving imaginable and my willpower fails me and I succumb to the cravings. Then I tell myself that tomorrow or the day after is still a good day to start so today I will satisfy the urge to eat junk. 

But the truth is tomorrow becomes the next day and so the story goes. I never get to actually start. When I had my child about 5 years ago I was determined not to be one of those mothers who lost themselves to the baby fat. I exercised like my life was dependant on it and as a result in less than a year I didn't look like I had just had a baby. 

Somewhere between then and now the determination just disappeared and I fell prey to the very thing that I feared. I lost myself and instead of doing something about what I was seeing, I just ate my way into my current weight issues. I'm still trying to find all the good habits I used to have back then. The problem is not knowing where I lost them, which makes it difficult for me to find them. 

I went from buying clothes that were my ideal size, always with the promise that I would work hard and fit into them to now where I have not bought even a shirt in months because I just refuse to buy anything bigger than a large. Clearly not having bought anything tells you that the large stopped fitting a while ago and I have not made peace with it. 

In March I took a bet with my sister that if I hadn't lost the weight I wanted by September I would buy her a dress from Trenery. Now I know I can't afford the brand, it's way out of my affordability range, I just reckoned taking the bet would motivate me to work out more than twice in a month. The bet was supposed to scare me into action but that didn't work. You still asking! No I didn't lose the weight, if I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog. I would be fasting for rain so the heat can hit our shores and I could finally show off my hard work. Instead I'm out here praising the Lord for the cold that's still bracing us even though it's supposed to be Spring. At least I don't have to part ways with the comfort of hiding my flab under the jersey or jacket just yet. 

On a serious note though, something has got to give. My health is in a state and I have officially diagnosed myself with chronic fatigue. Something I know can be easily solved if I just started using the skipping rope I bought that I can't seem to remember it's location in the house. Don't even get me started on the apps downloaded on my phone which are just using space that should be used to take pictures of my summer body. O Lord please intervene. 

I am besides myself with complaining about the amount of weight I have gained. I have turned into that friend who is always trying some new, improved and tested method for weight loss but no results to show for it. The only thing that seems to be losing weight is my wallet from all the veggies, fruit, lean meat, skinless chicken that I keep buying and have amnesia about as soon as I get home. Hopeless case? It seems so! 

What happened to you become the company you keep? Because I am not short of people in my life who have this healthy lifestyle on lock down but none of their dedication is rubbing off on me. I set the alarm in the morning for that jog but the devil seems to have control of the snooze button and it hardly happens. What must to can happen now? 

As soon as I have the answer I will let you know. At the moment the desire doesn't seem to be what it should be to push me into action. *sigh*

LESSONS

The last few days have been rather eventful. This blog is a mixture of everything so bear with me. I’m sitting here thinking about life and the lessons we encounter. If I had to summarize the past week, these would be the lessons I took out of it.

1. Life isn't all bad

A few days ago I read a post by Pastor Jay Mokhethi, a man I have come to respect because of the manner in which He portrays himself and how his posts always seem to be relevant and exactly what I need to hear. On the referred to post, he posted a picture of himself playing the piano and went on to explain how both the black and white buttons need to be played together to create a melody. One cannot exist without the other. He further explained that the black buttons represented the dark times in our lives and the white the good times we have. So just like you need both the black and white buttons to make music, you need the good and bad times in your life. 

I read this post and I thought how profound. Then it took me back to the amazing weekend I just had in Durban and how I came back a day later to be in tears because of things that were happening at school. In the moment when I read the post, I remembered that life is not all bad. We have to learn to enjoy the good times and also have the assurance during bad times that it won't last forever. We have to be willing to take the good with the bad because ultimately they all work out for our good and make life what it should be. 

Just like the seasons change, we have to keep hope alive during the dark times because they serve a purpose and allow us to enjoy and appreciate the good times. Whatever dark place we may be in now, we must know that it will pass because life isn't all bad. 

2. You have to fight for what you believe in. 

Things aren't handed over to us even the ones we surrender to God, we often have to do our bit and trust Him to do the rest. This particular lesson I took from my fight with the University. While I am busy working towards my third degree, I was expected to repeat modules that I had already done in my first degree. Not one to just accept things blindly, I have been going from this Department to the other trying to get answers. This went on for a month till frustration got the better of me and I sent an email to the University Management and my issue was resolved within hours. Had I not fought this, I would have spent an extra year on my studies trying to do what I had already done. Had I not fought about what I believe in, I would have wasted time that I don't have at my disposal. 

We always have a choice in life, we can lay dead and complain about the cards we have been dealt or we can wipe the tears off our faces and fight to be heard. A win is not always guaranteed but even when you lose, you can walk away feeling that you did your best and that you fought for what you believe in. 

3. God always comes through

It’s so easy to be filled with doubts when dark times hit you and you forget about all the times that God has come through for you. 

When I woke up this morning, I received a message that left me shaken and feeling cornered. I had no plan up my sleeve; I didn't know how I was going to get out of this one. I felt like it's just one battle after the other and as always when you try to work in isolation to God's intervention, you feel defeated and don't have the answers that you seek. I left home with a troubled heart but the day had to go on and commitments had to be attended to. 

When I got to the school we work with to see my client, I overheard some of my classmates talking about what was the perfect solution to my predicament. My heart jumped with joy but I also wanted to kick myself for having doubted the power of God in the morning. 

He came through for me, in the exact moment when I was feeling overwhelmed. It wasn't a coincidence that I would be sitting next to people who happened to be discussing what was troubling me, it was God. I know all too well about the times when it feels like we can't hear His voice, my whole life has been made up of such moments but every time they crept up, they were overshadowed by how God came through for me.

Life will always have those moments but our faith need to be so strong that we are not shaken because in His perfect timing, when the work has been completed, He will give you the answers that you seek because God always comes through. 

DON'T HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO HOLD ON

The below image is so many of us. If we are not  in that situation, we can still relate because chances are we have gone through this. Notice how the hand that's holding on is almost bleeding? The pain of holding on. Using every bit of energy and effort you have to hold on even if it means killing yourself in the process. We have been taught that nothing worthwhile is handed over to us and we simply have to fight to get the things we want. While that may be true, I think those lessons kind of missed to remind us that sometimes you gain nothing by holding on and everything by letting go.

Too many of us are stuck in places we shouldn't be, with people we no longer recognise and everyday we convincing ourselves to hold on, cutting ourselves and bleeding in silence hoping that things will be okay. You need the money from that job to pay the bills, even if you have been dragging yourself there for the past few years, that's exactly what you will continue to do because you have convinced yourself that you don't have a choice. You have been with this person for so long, you invested so much -you resolve that it's better the devil you know despite that he continues to cheat on you and show you how little you mean to him. You hold on, killing parts of yourself with every day you allow the situation to persist but you blind yourself to releasing. 

Where would you get money if you left that job? Who would love you if you left and took the children with you? Who would befriend you if you finally told them that you are tired of the way they have been treating you in this friendship? You hold on because you have managed to tell yourself that that's the only option available to you. You are going to make things work, whatever they are, whatever it takes.  Even when you exhaust all possibilities, letting go is still not an option worth considering. You continue to suffer and inflict more pain on the wounds that already exist because you believe that's all you can do.

Cowards are quick to give up and the strong hold on and fight to get their way. Aren't those the subtle messages that go around that tell us that if we let go, all we are doing is showing our weakness. You are told to be appreciative, do you know how many people are without jobs? Quit your moaning because you are blessed. Be thankful that he at least cares for you financially even if he doesn't sleep at home during the weekends, it could be worse right?  She's the mother of your children,  you can't leave her now without being seen as selfish. You can't be chasing thrills when you have responsibilities.  They tell us these things and we believe them, we continue to hold on but we are the ones who feel the pain. Who feel the sting that comes from holding on yet we let the decision to stay where we are be made by those who don't have to live with the consequences.

Letting go is painful but holding on can be worse. When you force yourself to live with the pain of what you know because the future is uncertain and scary. Sometimes the pain of letting go is exaggerated in our minds, keeping us hostage to a present we are not entirely happy with. We then continue exposing ourselves to the very thing that caused the wound in the first place and then cry that it hurts. Why wouldn't it hurt? How could we possibly begin to heal if we won't separate ourselves from the situations that cause us pain? 

You certainly cannot give up every time that you hit hurdles in your life. Life cannot be one big party without struggles and opportunities for growth but we should never force ourselves to hold on when that becomes the very thing that wounds and kills us. Don't be the person who died while there is still breath in their body because they taught themselves to hold on and stay on even when the situation calls on them to run in the opposite direction. 

Listen to your life and look out for the signs because it's when we are not paying attention that we miss the time to release and let go. Even when you are not sure you actually are but fear is holding you back, the Universe will always lead you to the door in fact push you to it but it remains your choice to walk through it. The reason some of us are bleeding is because we refuse to let go, we are determined to keep holding on even if it no longer makes sense to. We are bleeding because we insist on keeping the very same things that life wants us to release. Sometimes no matter how much we love and value, we can only show that love by letting go.

You will never know what it feels like to live without pain,  betrayal, rejection,  feelings of inadequacy - not until you make the choice to release the things and people who reinforce these feelings in you. The world outside the scope of your disappointments only exists when you release the things you are holding onto that cause you pain.

A MOMENT OF SHARING

Yesterday I had one of uplifting moments of taking the mask off. I recently spoke at an event about how we wear masks as people, to hide our pain and disappointments and we seldom show our true self because we are afraid people will judge us and not accept us.

So yesterday I found myself in the midst of very strong women and one of them opened this specific topic by questioning how women have gone against the instruction from God. In the book of Ephesians (it's in the Bible in case you not sure what I am talking about), we are instructed as women to respect our husbands and for them to love us. She went on to say maybe God put it this way because He knew if we loved we would have trouble keeping our sanity. We all know a woman who lost her mind because she was in love or maybe we are that woman. She went on to argue that it would be hard for women to just respect and not love because it's in our very nature to love and nurture. I agree.

The topic then progressed to sharing experiences of current and previous relationships when we had lost our minds and acted out of character because of the actions of the people we had entrusted our hearts too. The stories made us laugh and cringe and things came up from the ladies that made one think, we are really not alone in our struggles and hearing the experiences of others makes you thankful for the ones you thought you couldn't bare because you realise in that moment that it could have been worse.

I have always been very vocal about my story because I believe if one person can hear it, it may save them from having to endure what I did. It was therefore refreshing to be sitting with women who didn't feel the need to wear masks and play along to society's expectation that we need to be strong all the damn time and never admit that we are hurting. And no we were not having a pity party because we didn't just sit there and pretend to be victims of our circumstances. We shared our lessons and were even able to relate what those different experiences had taught us. The point is not to dwell in what happened to you but to reflect on it in a way that allows you to learn whatever lesson the Universe wanted you to learn.

Things do not just happen for our amusement, even the very things that you think will kill you serve some purpose in your life. I suppose the trick is to keep it moving and to find the lesson and not be stuck in the way that you feel, to rather choose to be enlightened because of the pain you have experienced.

At the end of the day, we were all able to look back on our hurts and disappointments and find a sense of gratitude because we realize how we have grown because of them. We always think that if we could go back in time we would do things differently, I say, even if you did go back in time, chances are you would repeat the same mistakes again because you wouldn't know what you know now after having gone through the experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to have shared and learnt from my fellow sisters. We can never change the past, but we can choose to have a different future because we have altered our perceptions and what we are willing to take from the bad that we have seen.

 

CROSSROADS

You know what they say about being stuck between a rock and hard place? Have you ever found yourself in such a situation? Having to make a decision and not knowing which one to make. Sometimes you know but all the choices available to you come with some risk and being human, it's only natural to want to take the route that has the minimum risk.

Without delving into details let's just say I recently found myself in such a situation. Having to choose between what I want to do and what I have to do. The disadvantage of not being young and carefree is that, the choices you have to make are no longer just about you but there are other people in your life too that you have to consider and think about. You have to go through that consideration because you know that whatever you decide will affect them as well.

What do you do when you find yourself at a crossroad? Turn left or right, move backward or forward or stay put. You have 5 options available to you but whichever one you make leaves you with 3 possibilities.....you either find what your soul yearns for or you dont but find something better than you had hoped for or you fall behind.

It's both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Terrifying because you are forging into the unknown and exciting because you have the chance to make a decision that could possibly set the tone for how the rest of your life is going to be. The thing that makes being at a crossroad so difficult is our need as human beings to be comfortable and safe and I've spoken about how this need can hold us back and limit us.

There's also the fear, that annoying voice in your head that manages to come up with all the reasons why you shouldn't take the plunge, why it's too risky and why you may fail. If you not careful that voice has the ability to overpower your dreams and the possibilities to a point that you don't believe in them anymore.

If you wondering what I did with my recent crossroad: The answer is that I decided to move forward and take the plunge. Am I scared? Oh hell yes I am but thinking of the options I had, I decided that my dreams of the future were to be more powerful than my fears and even if I don't know what the outcome will be, I resolved that it was better to try and fail than live with the regret of what if.

That's the only option that's ever availed to us at a crossroad. The choice to discard our fears,  to leave the comfort of what we know in pursuit of what our hearts truly desire. Life has no safety nets and everyday between being born and dying, we are given countless opportunities to be reborn, to seek the treasure that makes us toss and turn at night. Those things that we yearn for can only be found once we are willing to make those hard choices and decisions. When we finally find that our dreams mean more to us than staying put and waiting, in that moment, we know that even when multiple arrows are presented before us pointing in different directions, we will gladly choose the option that scares us the most but puts us a step closer to what we desire.

GRATITUDE

 I woke up this morning and realized that I truly do have all I need. In that same breath, the words of a close friend echo in my mind and I hear her say, "Retha, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need." And I think to myself, God bless her arse, she is right.

I find my joy in the simple things, comforting my baby when she cries, getting a squeeze from her tiny hands and hearing her say she loves me and I am her "queenie", listening to her scream over the TV while I try to study, when she wakes up and laughs when she sees my face.

Im happy when I get home after a long day and meet someone who jumps with joy at seeing my face. When I can just be and pour a glass of wine and take my bra off and not have to pretend to be anything but me in that moment.

Such a full life, one that I want to enjoy each and every second of.

I'm thankful. To God, for all He gives me and who I am in Him. For family and the shared tears and the truths told that others cant face with me.

I'm thankful for a job, however stressful it may be. It allows me to provide and do for myself. But more than that, its a place that has ignited my spark, where I found my purpose and confirmed for myself that there is nothing is I would rather do than invest my time and efforts into making things better for the next person. I am thankful for those cases I encounter in my line of work, the ones that make me cry behind closed doors for they make me a stronger person, more appreciative of all that I have. I am thankful for my supervisor, someone who has taken me under her wing and continues to guide me in this journey of fulfillment. She's more than that, she is the fighter who shows me what it is not to spare any sacrifice so others can be helped.

I'm thankful for the circle of friends that grows smaller but stronger with age. The sisters I have met through Christ, those one who pray with and for me. Who are not worried with the details but merely ensuring that I know I am never alone in whatever I come across. The sisters who have my back and make me laugh. The people who get my crazy and never try to make me anything else. Girls, I have gained so much from my encounters with you. I love you. I appreciate you. And I am thankful for every moment and all roads travelled that led me to the sisterhood I found in you ladies. La itseba!

I'm thankful for the food I eat, the books I can read, for taking a shit and getting that sense of relief, for laughs shared, tears shed, memories made, dreams achieved and those that still keep me awake at night and inspiring me to wake up in the mornings.

Thankful for being alive and having a full life

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT WE ARE GAINING

We all have things that we are working towards. Dreams that we want to achieve. In the process we give all that we can to them and we expect to see results, some change, a sign that we are in the right direction but we don't always get that.
Sometimes you put in the work, make the sacrifices yet from where you are standing it still seems like nothing is working out the way that you had hoped. You start to doubt yourself and even start to believe that maybe you are fighting for the wrong thing, chasing a dream that may never come true.
What we don't understand and realise is that while in the process we may not get what we want, we are getting something else that may not be so obvious. The problem is our need to be instantly gratified, to do something only for a few days or months and then see results. You go to the gym for a week without fail and at the end of that week, you hop onto the scale expecting the number to have gone down. You write a few ideas down, attend meetings here and there with people who seem to get what your vision is about and expect to see the money rolling in after a few attempts. When it doesn't happen in this way, that need for immediate gratification clouds your judgement and you want to give up and start chasing the next thrill.
In wanting to achieve the things we desire we become obsessed with results. To the point where we forget to enjoy the moment of the journey and to learn some valuable lessons in the process. Did you know that when trying to lose weight, in the first few weeks or months the number on the scale may go up and not down? It's not to say you are not making progress because what is actually happening is that you are losing fat and gaining muscle and that's why the number is going up, muscle weighs more than fat if you didn't know. So you look at the scale and tell yourself that you are failing and that need for instant results over powers you and you want to give up. The same thing if you trying to start a business or whatever your dream may be, you want instant results and when that doesn't happen, you deem yourself a failure and want to give up.
Have you tried to look at the process from a different angle? Not getting what you want, when you want it but gaining so much more in the process. Learning to embrace failure which is just another way to know what works because you tried it and you can now eliminate one item off your list that you know for sure won't bring your results. You have gained a lesson. A lesson you wouldn't have otherwise learnt had you gotten what you desire immediately.
Patience from having to wait it out and knowing when to act and when to step back. Resilience from having failed but still had the courage to try again. This trait can only be developed because you had to overcome something you initially thought you couldn't. Strength which you get from falling and tripping but never growing weary of trying. These are the things that the process teaches you, the things you can never have if you always get what you want, when you want it. The things you will never be able to embrace and learn if all you are focused on is making it and getting results.
Anything worth having needs to be fought for because in the battle you learn and develop all these traits that will help you preserve and sustain what you want when you finally get it. Even in the times when it seems like nothing is going your way, the work put in is not producing results instead of growing despondent, just change your perspective and you will realise that even when you don't get what you want, there is something that you have gained.