STOP HURTING YOURSELF

There's no greater truth than the saying; "you can’t control everything that happens to you but you can control how you react to it." So much of our pain is self-inflicted. 

It's not the things that have happened that hurt you but your thoughts about what happened that continue to hurt you long after the incident has passed. When something happens that hurts us or makes us feel disappointed or even betrayed, the feelings that come with it only last a few minutes or possibly hours. But the days, weeks and months you spent hurting about that thing is what you inflict on yourself. 

You continue to replay what happened, asking yourself why and maybe even punishing yourself for having let it happen. How you process the incident or event is what is holding you captive not the actual thing that went down. 

When my relationship with my fiancé ended, it wasn't the end that was causing me so much pain. It was my thoughts over the break up that kept the pain alive. I was feeding it with my thoughts, thoughts about why he left, what people would say etc. I was entertaining these negative thoughts and they were in turn fuelling the pain that I felt. But the truth is it wasn't what my ex did that was hurting me, I was choosing to hurt myself every day that I was allowing these thoughts to consume me. 

I didn't realize that I had no control over what happened but I had a choice in how I was reacting to it and the platform that I was giving this hurt in my life. 

Every second that you choose to dwell on the things people did or didn't do, what you did or failed to do, you continue to inflict pain on yourself and deny yourself the opportunity to regroup and get yourself together. You can't think straight while you are consumed with pain and you can't move on with your life whilst still replaying the past in your head. Thinking of ways to blame yourself or the person who did you wrong? 

Whatever happens in your life is meant to happen, to either teach you a lesson or to distance you from people whose part in your life is over. If you keep staring at the closed door long enough, you miss all the other doors that are opening right in front of your eyes because you have managed to convince yourself that you are hurting when all it is is a flawed thought process. A process that is making you stay in your place of hurt instead of realizing the beauty of what happened. 

Every bad thing that happens in your life is an eye opener, calling you to awareness and pushing you to a place you couldn't have gotten to had the incident not taken place. The Universe is making moves in your favor, teaching you about life, people and yourself. Things you wouldn't have the privilege of knowing if all went as you pleased all the time. 

I would never advice one to deny their pain, to pretend like it doesn't exist but I am saying question why it hurts as bad as it does, question your thoughts about what happened and aim to find out if you aren't the one that keeps stabbing yourself in a wound that wasn't so deep to begin with. Ask yourself why you are choosing to stay in that place of hurt; do you think it validates you, you think if you stay there long enough it takes something away from the person who hurt you or are you staying there because you are making excuses, using what happened as a scapegoat that's exempting you from taking responsibility and doing what you must. 

Don't get caught up in the sympathy that comes with having an injury that you end up not realizing when you have healed because you are afraid you will lose the attention that came with being injured. Eventually the band aid needs to come off,  you need to let go of the things that caused you pain and realize that you are responsible for yourself and no one can take anything away from you that you don't willingly give

DEAR FEAR

Why have I allowed you to consume my thoughts, my life? Why have I believed the lies you told me and the reasons you gave me everytime I wanted to do something in life? Why did I think you could have so much power over me and my dreams?

I look at my life and mourn for all the things I could have achieved,  the places I could have seen and the people I would have met, if only I learned early on in my life that you only have as much power in my life as I allow you to. All along I thought I was a victim to your games, I considered myself helpless and gave in to your demands. When the truth is you were only surviving because I kept feeding you instead of starving you to death. I wanted you out of my life but everytime you reached for the door knob, I pulled you back and held on to you. 

I should have let you go the day I realised that you were standing between me and my dreams. I should have kicked you out the day you tried to convince me that my greatness didn't exist. But I let you stay and take over every corner of my thoughts till I almost forgot who had the keys to your place of residence. 

I continued to fight you but at the end of the day, when no one was watching, I curled up in bed with you and cuddled you like your warmth was the only possibility there was. I knew you were holding me back but I kept trying to go forward without cutting off the ties that were between us. No wonder it was so hard to go anywhere, I was your slave and obeying your every command. 

You told me it was safer where I was so I didn't try to be anywhere else. You told me the world was cruel and it would reject anything I tried to bring forth so I dismissed the ideas I had and learned to be satisfied with only waking up in the morning. You told me people only care about themselves so you help me build a wall to keep myself safe but forgot to mention that the same wall would also block out any light that aimed to enter my life. You watched me scream silently and led me to believe that no one could hear me but it was you all along who was suppressing my voice so my scream wouldn't be loud enough. 

I've finally had enough. Enough of watching others live so fully while I was holding on to what you were promising me. I'm tired of being scared, of being afraid to live and try and dare to fail. I'm exhausted from playing small so you could be comfortable and feel big. You have overstayed your welcome,  kept me too long from erupting like the volcano I know I am. You need to leave. 

No rephrase that. You are leaving! Because I have grown too much and you no longer have space here. There is not enough room for both of us to co-exist and since I am calling the shots here, you are the one who needs to disappear. I need to start living,  I need to start being awesome, I need to start living out my dreams, I need to break down the walls so light can reach me and I can finally breathe. I need to start being all that I can be and I can't do that while wrestling with you. 

Goodbye fear. Hello life.

ITS OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY

This topic sounds so familiar, besides having spoken on the same subject a few weeks ago at a workshop, I feel like I have written about it before. But what the heck, maybe you need a reminder the same way I do right now.  The last few weeks, days, have been rather hectic on the heart. First it was school, then it was home, then it was betrayal, hurt,  longing and then there was work. Where do you even begin when the walls are closing down on you? When all attempts fail and you just find yourself sinking deep into a hole? We all have our different crutches and escape methods. While in the past I've been very vocal about my struggles and pain, its often left me with regrets more than anything. So I went back to my most trusted method whenever I was in a bad state, grab a box of tissue and paper and write till I had no words left. The beautiful thing about using pen and paper as a weapon is that you can be totally naked and not worry about being judged. You can be completely vulnerable and not feel like a weakling. You can tell yourself that it's okay not to be okay without feeling like you are disappointing anyone else. At times you just need the platform to be, knowing that things will eventually work out but not before you surrender to what is and what you feel in the moment. You know that this too shall pass but you don't have to act like the reassurance makes it hurt any less. You just take the moment for what it is and allow it to teach you what it must without rushing through the process because it's expected of you to keep it together and not cry. And you can cry as much as you need to for when you stop, you never have to deal with unresolved feelings that you swept under the rug. More than allowing myself to feel the way that I do, I have tried to find comfort in His word. Overdosing on sermons by Bishop TD Jakes, I find myself shouting YESSSSSSSS! like a crazy woman because I am reminded that its okay not to be okay but I will be okay. I've found something incredibly beautiful in being able to cry out to God because He knows. He doesn't only know me but He knows the things I try to hide from the world. And because He said to bring my burdens to Him because He cares. He doesnt only care but He has promised to work all things for my good, the good and the bad and that's why surrendering to Him is such a joy, because He said that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed nothing will be impossible for me and my present suffering will be nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed. I get why pain has a purpose, why our plans need to be wrecked and leave us in limbo. So we can realise that our might means nothing, that we have no control because He is the One who should be in charge. I get that sometimes things fall apart so He can rebuilt them, so we can know that we are nothing without Him. I understand that troubles are meant to draw us closer to Him because He is the source of life and when we go around like we are in control, we might just forget to plug into Him and draw from Him.The last few weeks have been tough and I have accepted being okay with not being okay. This time is working in my favour even during the times that it doesn't feel that way. Even when I don't have the answers, I have found myself and who I am in Him through this process and I can say with confidence, it's okay not to be okay because God is going to ensure the passing of this season. It's going to be alright. No matter how it looks now, I will not lose sight of that. 

I WOULDN'T BE ANYWHERE ELSE

I was writing my Psychology exam today and naturally studying days or weeks ahead of time, I always feel like I don't know my work and I am not ready. So the closer I get to writing the more things start to make sense and the night before is always crazy. That means I got very little sleep and after the exam all I wanted to do was go home and sleep but I had to go to work. *sigh*

The whole time I was at work I was thinking about how I'm going to jump into bed and enjoy being home alone because my daughter and niece wouldn't be there. The plan was to get myself a bottle of wine after my shift, get home and pour a glass and enjoy it in my birthday suit. Then I remembered that I was cutting down on the alcohol (that's been going great because in the last 2 months I've only bought 2 bottles), sleeping was a much better option for when I get home.

I arrived to any empty house, which felt kind of weird. Then I didn't know what to do with myself. I switched on the TV and watched a movie but the whole time I was thinking about how we would be laughing at this stupid guy on the screen with my niece and how bored I really am.

It's funny because with the kids here, I always tell them that I look forward to the day we move into a bigger house, where I would come home and lock myself in the room and they wouldn't even know that I am here.  My daughter turns 5 in a few days while my niece is 19 years old but you would be forgiven for calling me any day when they are here and thinking I was running a Day Care Centre. From the moment I walk through the door, my daughter is already going into a full account of how her day was and who did what to her. My niece, typical of her age is on her phone chatting the evening away. But when the two of them collide, which by the way is almost every day, I have to forget how tired I am from school and work and play referee to their fights. 

It's exhausting and sometimes I just sit there in silence and shut down while they wait for me to intervene and I pretend like I am not there. I can never win! You would think that I would appreciate the time out and space to just be with my thoughts but I found that the freedom isn't exactly as exciting as I imagined it would be. As tiring as it is to be a mother and sister at times, after today I am looking at my life in a different way. These little people truly do make my life what it is and I cannot imagine my life without their noise, fights and everything else. It's deceiving to get caught up in what life could be if you had the opportunity to just be but what I realise now is that I cannot be without them. They give me a reason to come home and it is home because they are here otherwise it would just be an empty house. So the next time they are working on my nerves, I have this to remind me that they are the "e" in life because they are EVERYTHING to me. 

POURING INTO A HEART WITH HOLES - IT NEVER GETS FULL.

This picture and others similar to it, depicting the same message has been doing the rounds on social networks for a while now. Whenever I saw the picture, I would scroll right passed it. It didn't say anything to me, it wasn't worth my attention till now. Someone shared it and it somehow made an appearance on my timeline and something about it caught my attention and got me thinking. 

It was last year after a nasty break up that I first heard about "soul ties", I was listening to a show on radio on Sunday morning and the pastor was talking about these soul ties. How we never completely break up with people because we hold on to things and memories made and these things are then dragged into our present and future when we should have left them in the past. The pastor went as far as saying when you break up with someone, you shouldn't keep anything that would be a reminder of the relationship if you were serious about moving on. 

I wanted to move on, I wanted to forget but there was no way I was willing to give up the shoes I had gotten from that relationship. Silly right? I mean I was so angry with my ex that after he left, I burned all his clothes and sneakers that he had forgotten when he moved out but I was not willing to part ways with the shoes. Not yet anyways!  I had never heard about soul ties in all the years I had been going to church and this pastor was not about to convince me of anything. When you not ready to face reality no one can tell you anything and I certainly wasn't buying into this soul ties business.

Fast forward to a few months later, I'm at a Women's Conference and the speaker mentions soul ties and in the week that follows, a friend of mine on Facebook shares a video clip on soul ties. God are you trying to tell me something? You see I have never believed in coincidence, I honestly don't have a picture of God in my head, sitting and thinking how He can amuse Himself. So I believe everything happens for a reason, though we don't always know what those reasons are. I watched the video clip and for the first time I think I get what these soul ties are about, why we need to be weary of them and break them off when we realise that we have made unGodly soul ties. Until you really ready to hear what God is saying to you, you will miss all the ways in which He tries to speak to you. I think only when you clear the clutter in your head and life can you really hear what He is saying and has been saying all along. Soul ties! 

After watching that clip, I attended a workshop where my friend was speaking on soul ties. How we give of ourselves and get left with what wasn't ours to begin with when the relationship ends. When my relationship ended, I was left with indescribable guilt and shame and anger that had me thinking thoughts I can't even repeat to you reading this right now. He came and left me with all these negative feelings and thoughts that were not there, that I didn't want. And more importantly, he left me feeling like I was not enough for anyone to ever love me. I was saying I want to move on but behind closed doors I was looking at pictures of days gone by, stalking his social media accounts to see what he was up to and with whom. I was saying one thing while a large part of me was still hoping he would come back. It didn't matter that he brushed me off or spoke harshly to me when I made contact with him, I still thought he would come back to his senses and at the time, that meant him coming home - where I would welcome him with open arms, no questions asked. 

I made a vow to myself to remain single for a year, that is how much time I was giving him to get his act together. Days, weeks, months went by and the decision to remain single was no longer about him but who I was becoming and how I was starting to love the person I was looking at in the mirror. If you think my ex was solely to blame for the break up, you are wrong. I played my part too and played it well. I knew which buttons to press and on numerous occasions I went full on crazy on the guy. If I were him I would have run too. 

That's the beauty of taking some time out. Realising that you weren't particularly a victim in how the relationship played out. Knowing that you have to be still, to find you first so you don't end up giving of yourself to someone who doesn't deserve you. In the past  15  months I have learned so much about myself, the things I like and those I don't, the ones I keep working at to improve. Had I jumped into another relationship without taking the time to reflect, I would probably go into a situation that was doomed from the beginning. 

Going back to soul ties. Look at that picture and tell me it doesn't scare you. It doesn't scare you that you may be giving all you have to someone who can't give you anything back in return. That it doesn't scare you that every time you give a piece of yourself to someone and they leave,  you are left with less than what you had and eventually you may have nothing else to give to the person who will be deserving of your everything. It sure as hell scares me. 

I want to be equally yoked, I want someone to compliment me not complete me. I want to cling on to someone and be completely vulnerable and know they are giving as good as they are getting. I want someone to see parts of me the world knows nothing about and trust them not to use that to destroy me. I want crazy, raw love, the kind that we can't explain to anyone. I want someone who is afraid to lose me yet give me his heart like forever is guaranteed.I want someone who can't go a day without talking to me. Someone who dreams with me and works equally hard to make those dreams come true.  I want a Godly soul tie.

I realize to get what I have never had, I need to change how I have always played the game. I still have loads of work to do in me, so much to learn. I know I need to prepare myself to be the kind of woman who can accept and embrace what I yearn for because if I am not ready, I may push away the very thing I want when it arrives. I'm no expert on soul ties but I know I want and need a Godly tie, not just any relationship to pass time. Yes I am getting older but ultimately waiting is better than being an incomplete person sleeping next to a skeleton and using the bits of me trying to revive a situation that I should have never been in in the first place. I am willing to wait. Because now that I have broken those toxic soul ties and I am finally getting back what I had lost in them, there is no way I am going back to that life again. I'm not prepared to be the woman in the picture, giving and giving and getting nothing in return.  

CHURCH QUESTIONS

The past few weeks I have been questioning a lot of things when it comes to the church and the whole concept of Christianity. Maybe my understanding of church and it's purpose is flawed and I have had a rude awakening on that front. I always thought church was a place where we gathered as Christians to fellowship and encourage each other and that when I went to church, I was supposed to leave at the end of the day with a fulfilled heart and a feeling of restoration.

I have been experiencing quite the opposite for a long time. I've left church and wondered how could we pray for each other while we harboured such bitterness towards one another and how we could heal each other as children of God when we engaged in so much hate talk within the walls of the church. How do we lift our hands in church and shout Amen's during the sermon, yet leave at the end of the day and do the very things that the sermon and Bible warned us against?

I've also felt burdened as a Christian, like I had signed up for something I couldn't live with and practice in my own life. I couldn't admit that I struggled because I thought that would be an indication of my faith not being strong enough. So I do what we all do and hide behind scriptures and pretend to be a good girl. Yet that wasn't a true reflection of my state of mind because the truth is I still struggle. 

I struggle to keep my mouth shut when a fellow church member is put on the table for discussion in their absence, yes I gossip. I struggle to forgive and yet go to bed every night and pray to be forgiven as I have forgiven others. But that ain't the truth because I have yet to forgive people in my life for the things they did and those that they failed to do. I would sit in church and lift my hand in approval when the preacher reminded us that pride is a sin. In the same breath I am holding on to my pride and watching things around me crumble because my pride is bigger than making things right. You see I am a Christian whose been lying to herself and others because I was agreeing to things in church that I refused to implement in my interactions with others. 

I wasn't happy with what I got or even what I gave so a few weeks ago I stopped going to church because I was not willing to be a hypocrite and continue to shout what was not true to appease people and live up to their expectations. The problem was, I had committed myself to several roles in the church and knew that my absence would not be ideal but I had to choose. Was I going to hold on to meet the expectations and come home every time and moan about things that drained the life out of me? Or would I take the courageous step of putting myself first and stepping back? I chose the latter and maybe in the next person's eyes I wasn't brave at all, I was actually a coward who was running away. 

I don't know if I know for certain but at this point, I am still happier staying away although Sunday mornings bring me back to the reality of days gone by. Days when I would wake up in the morning, totally geared up to offer all I had to God and the church. I've been feeling a little lost, like my soul is just drifting about without a place where it belongs. I then resolved to visit other churches with the hope that I would find what I was yearning for. The first church on the list gave me something refreshing but I was still not certain I was ready to commit to it. Then it hit me a few days ago. 

It's not a church that I need its God. I didn't need to find another 4 walls that promised to be better than where I was, it was a deeper relationship with God that I needed. I was not in need of religion but a relationship. A relationship with God that would allow His plan for me to unfold. Who am I in Him? What is it that He wants me to do with my life? How could I serve Him with my talents without the burden of rules and regulations that He sure as hell didn't make up? What do I need to do to allow Him to heal me from the things that I struggle with? That's my journey. I need to build my relationship with God. 

Naturally that has raised questions about where I am and why I have stopped coming to church but I can't answer that because I don't have the answers as yet. All I know is what my heart yearns for at the moment is not to be found in any church or people and so I keep on praying for clarity and direction. I don't expect anyone to understand because this is between myself and God and when the time comes, He will point me in the right direction. 

For now I am just basking in the joy of not having to pretend.  The joy of finally being able to say yes I am a Christian but I still struggle and having the guts to bring that to God and let Him handle it on my behalf. The joy of not having any roles to fulfill and just waking up knowing that the only person I need to be right with is the One who lives in me and who walks with me everywhere I go. 

THE FALSE SECURITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA

The other day my sister posted the question, "Why are you on Facebook?" on her profile page and it got me thinking about why I was using the platform except for the obvious reason that I seem to be addicted to it and an hour hardly goes by without my fingers twitching to log on so I can see what people are up to and check out their pictures. 

I am on Facebook for a number of different reasons. 1. The platform is less intimidating than Twitter. 2. I get to follow pages and people I have an interest in, like the Social Work pages that give me valuable information on my field and cases that are making news. 3. I get to connect with friends who are far and get a glimpse of what they are up to without having to spend money on phone calls (maybe I am a bit of a cheapskate) but I have also build genuine friendships with people I met through Facebook, one such person is Allo Love. And sometimes the reasons for logging on aren't that wonderful, maybe I am just bored and need to find something amusing to grab my attention. 

We all have our reasons but I have also noticed that social media has given people a false sense of strength and perfection. We post pictures of when we look our best, we check in only when we are visiting exciting places and we seldom talk about our lows therefore creating the illusion that we have perfect lives. It's this false sense of perfection that people look at and want to compete with it. We are looking at something that doesn't exist in reality, well at least not in that sense and we want it for our own lives when the people we saw it from don't even have it themselves. So we are wrecking ourselves trying to live a life that doesn't exist because pictures and posts have lied to us. 

People are brave on social media, they say what they want, when they want to but meet the very same people on the streets and they suddenly have a mute button. People are happy and have perfect lives on social media, they wear expensive clothes and dine at the finest restaurants but behind closed doors they are lonely and don't have no one to turn to. Then they turn around and call society cruel and unsupportive but how can anyone offer you support when you showing us this perfection that we are struggling to attain ourselves? I don't want to be misinterpreted as saying people should splash their hurts and failures on social media nor am I saying the whole world should have a view of your entire world by simply logging on to Facebook but I am saying it's okay to show you are human, that you didn't wake up like this while your whole face is covered with foundation and concealer (is that what they even call it).

By all means post and show us only the parts of your life that you are comfortable with but don't use social media to hide from the reality that is your life because at some point you have to log out and face your demons. Live in and post in truth and open only the doors that you are okay with people having an opinion over. Because the truth is people will always have something to say and if you put it out there you can't be angry when people question it or have an opinion about it. 

Whatever your reasons for using these social networks, do so wisely and ensure that you are portraying yourself in the way that you want to be known. Don't contradict yourself and don't pressurise yourself by putting yourself out there in a way that is not aligned to the way you are prepared to act and behave at all times. 

To those who are looking on, don't ever assume that you know someone based on what they post because you will be disappointed. Live your life and run your race at your own pace,  never base your goals and desires on what you saw from someone's profile because you will be setting yourself up for failure and misery. 

Relationships goals and all this other crap we envy based on a picture that we saw on social media are not a true reflection of anyone's reality. Take it with a pinch of salt and the realisation that whether it is a relationship or a certain lifestyle you are striving for, they all have their struggles and not so beautiful moments and if you want to experience the perfection that you see portrayed, you must be able to handle the bad that comes with it too. 

Don't be fooled by the false sense of perfection you see on your page. Live your life only as you can, with sincerity and authenticity. It's way too much work anyways to wake up like this and act like you never get constipated and frown in the toilet when you trying to take a dump. Be real to you and no one else and let that attract likes not an imaginary life that lures us to click the like button while you live with the pressure of having to maintain a lie.

WEIGHT BLUES

I was supposed to start aerobics classes yesterday but life happened and I couldn't make it to the class. Well there's still today and the day after you may say but yesterday basically represented my life for the past few years. I'm going to start eating healthy today but as soon as I get to the office I'm consumed by every craving imaginable and my willpower fails me and I succumb to the cravings. Then I tell myself that tomorrow or the day after is still a good day to start so today I will satisfy the urge to eat junk. 

But the truth is tomorrow becomes the next day and so the story goes. I never get to actually start. When I had my child about 5 years ago I was determined not to be one of those mothers who lost themselves to the baby fat. I exercised like my life was dependant on it and as a result in less than a year I didn't look like I had just had a baby. 

Somewhere between then and now the determination just disappeared and I fell prey to the very thing that I feared. I lost myself and instead of doing something about what I was seeing, I just ate my way into my current weight issues. I'm still trying to find all the good habits I used to have back then. The problem is not knowing where I lost them, which makes it difficult for me to find them. 

I went from buying clothes that were my ideal size, always with the promise that I would work hard and fit into them to now where I have not bought even a shirt in months because I just refuse to buy anything bigger than a large. Clearly not having bought anything tells you that the large stopped fitting a while ago and I have not made peace with it. 

In March I took a bet with my sister that if I hadn't lost the weight I wanted by September I would buy her a dress from Trenery. Now I know I can't afford the brand, it's way out of my affordability range, I just reckoned taking the bet would motivate me to work out more than twice in a month. The bet was supposed to scare me into action but that didn't work. You still asking! No I didn't lose the weight, if I did I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog. I would be fasting for rain so the heat can hit our shores and I could finally show off my hard work. Instead I'm out here praising the Lord for the cold that's still bracing us even though it's supposed to be Spring. At least I don't have to part ways with the comfort of hiding my flab under the jersey or jacket just yet. 

On a serious note though, something has got to give. My health is in a state and I have officially diagnosed myself with chronic fatigue. Something I know can be easily solved if I just started using the skipping rope I bought that I can't seem to remember it's location in the house. Don't even get me started on the apps downloaded on my phone which are just using space that should be used to take pictures of my summer body. O Lord please intervene. 

I am besides myself with complaining about the amount of weight I have gained. I have turned into that friend who is always trying some new, improved and tested method for weight loss but no results to show for it. The only thing that seems to be losing weight is my wallet from all the veggies, fruit, lean meat, skinless chicken that I keep buying and have amnesia about as soon as I get home. Hopeless case? It seems so! 

What happened to you become the company you keep? Because I am not short of people in my life who have this healthy lifestyle on lock down but none of their dedication is rubbing off on me. I set the alarm in the morning for that jog but the devil seems to have control of the snooze button and it hardly happens. What must to can happen now? 

As soon as I have the answer I will let you know. At the moment the desire doesn't seem to be what it should be to push me into action. *sigh*

LESSONS

The last few days have been rather eventful. This blog is a mixture of everything so bear with me. I’m sitting here thinking about life and the lessons we encounter. If I had to summarize the past week, these would be the lessons I took out of it.

1. Life isn't all bad

A few days ago I read a post by Pastor Jay Mokhethi, a man I have come to respect because of the manner in which He portrays himself and how his posts always seem to be relevant and exactly what I need to hear. On the referred to post, he posted a picture of himself playing the piano and went on to explain how both the black and white buttons need to be played together to create a melody. One cannot exist without the other. He further explained that the black buttons represented the dark times in our lives and the white the good times we have. So just like you need both the black and white buttons to make music, you need the good and bad times in your life. 

I read this post and I thought how profound. Then it took me back to the amazing weekend I just had in Durban and how I came back a day later to be in tears because of things that were happening at school. In the moment when I read the post, I remembered that life is not all bad. We have to learn to enjoy the good times and also have the assurance during bad times that it won't last forever. We have to be willing to take the good with the bad because ultimately they all work out for our good and make life what it should be. 

Just like the seasons change, we have to keep hope alive during the dark times because they serve a purpose and allow us to enjoy and appreciate the good times. Whatever dark place we may be in now, we must know that it will pass because life isn't all bad. 

2. You have to fight for what you believe in. 

Things aren't handed over to us even the ones we surrender to God, we often have to do our bit and trust Him to do the rest. This particular lesson I took from my fight with the University. While I am busy working towards my third degree, I was expected to repeat modules that I had already done in my first degree. Not one to just accept things blindly, I have been going from this Department to the other trying to get answers. This went on for a month till frustration got the better of me and I sent an email to the University Management and my issue was resolved within hours. Had I not fought this, I would have spent an extra year on my studies trying to do what I had already done. Had I not fought about what I believe in, I would have wasted time that I don't have at my disposal. 

We always have a choice in life, we can lay dead and complain about the cards we have been dealt or we can wipe the tears off our faces and fight to be heard. A win is not always guaranteed but even when you lose, you can walk away feeling that you did your best and that you fought for what you believe in. 

3. God always comes through

It’s so easy to be filled with doubts when dark times hit you and you forget about all the times that God has come through for you. 

When I woke up this morning, I received a message that left me shaken and feeling cornered. I had no plan up my sleeve; I didn't know how I was going to get out of this one. I felt like it's just one battle after the other and as always when you try to work in isolation to God's intervention, you feel defeated and don't have the answers that you seek. I left home with a troubled heart but the day had to go on and commitments had to be attended to. 

When I got to the school we work with to see my client, I overheard some of my classmates talking about what was the perfect solution to my predicament. My heart jumped with joy but I also wanted to kick myself for having doubted the power of God in the morning. 

He came through for me, in the exact moment when I was feeling overwhelmed. It wasn't a coincidence that I would be sitting next to people who happened to be discussing what was troubling me, it was God. I know all too well about the times when it feels like we can't hear His voice, my whole life has been made up of such moments but every time they crept up, they were overshadowed by how God came through for me.

Life will always have those moments but our faith need to be so strong that we are not shaken because in His perfect timing, when the work has been completed, He will give you the answers that you seek because God always comes through. 

DON'T HURT YOURSELF TRYING TO HOLD ON

The below image is so many of us. If we are not  in that situation, we can still relate because chances are we have gone through this. Notice how the hand that's holding on is almost bleeding? The pain of holding on. Using every bit of energy and effort you have to hold on even if it means killing yourself in the process. We have been taught that nothing worthwhile is handed over to us and we simply have to fight to get the things we want. While that may be true, I think those lessons kind of missed to remind us that sometimes you gain nothing by holding on and everything by letting go.

Too many of us are stuck in places we shouldn't be, with people we no longer recognise and everyday we convincing ourselves to hold on, cutting ourselves and bleeding in silence hoping that things will be okay. You need the money from that job to pay the bills, even if you have been dragging yourself there for the past few years, that's exactly what you will continue to do because you have convinced yourself that you don't have a choice. You have been with this person for so long, you invested so much -you resolve that it's better the devil you know despite that he continues to cheat on you and show you how little you mean to him. You hold on, killing parts of yourself with every day you allow the situation to persist but you blind yourself to releasing. 

Where would you get money if you left that job? Who would love you if you left and took the children with you? Who would befriend you if you finally told them that you are tired of the way they have been treating you in this friendship? You hold on because you have managed to tell yourself that that's the only option available to you. You are going to make things work, whatever they are, whatever it takes.  Even when you exhaust all possibilities, letting go is still not an option worth considering. You continue to suffer and inflict more pain on the wounds that already exist because you believe that's all you can do.

Cowards are quick to give up and the strong hold on and fight to get their way. Aren't those the subtle messages that go around that tell us that if we let go, all we are doing is showing our weakness. You are told to be appreciative, do you know how many people are without jobs? Quit your moaning because you are blessed. Be thankful that he at least cares for you financially even if he doesn't sleep at home during the weekends, it could be worse right?  She's the mother of your children,  you can't leave her now without being seen as selfish. You can't be chasing thrills when you have responsibilities.  They tell us these things and we believe them, we continue to hold on but we are the ones who feel the pain. Who feel the sting that comes from holding on yet we let the decision to stay where we are be made by those who don't have to live with the consequences.

Letting go is painful but holding on can be worse. When you force yourself to live with the pain of what you know because the future is uncertain and scary. Sometimes the pain of letting go is exaggerated in our minds, keeping us hostage to a present we are not entirely happy with. We then continue exposing ourselves to the very thing that caused the wound in the first place and then cry that it hurts. Why wouldn't it hurt? How could we possibly begin to heal if we won't separate ourselves from the situations that cause us pain? 

You certainly cannot give up every time that you hit hurdles in your life. Life cannot be one big party without struggles and opportunities for growth but we should never force ourselves to hold on when that becomes the very thing that wounds and kills us. Don't be the person who died while there is still breath in their body because they taught themselves to hold on and stay on even when the situation calls on them to run in the opposite direction. 

Listen to your life and look out for the signs because it's when we are not paying attention that we miss the time to release and let go. Even when you are not sure you actually are but fear is holding you back, the Universe will always lead you to the door in fact push you to it but it remains your choice to walk through it. The reason some of us are bleeding is because we refuse to let go, we are determined to keep holding on even if it no longer makes sense to. We are bleeding because we insist on keeping the very same things that life wants us to release. Sometimes no matter how much we love and value, we can only show that love by letting go.

You will never know what it feels like to live without pain,  betrayal, rejection,  feelings of inadequacy - not until you make the choice to release the things and people who reinforce these feelings in you. The world outside the scope of your disappointments only exists when you release the things you are holding onto that cause you pain.

A MOMENT OF SHARING

Yesterday I had one of uplifting moments of taking the mask off. I recently spoke at an event about how we wear masks as people, to hide our pain and disappointments and we seldom show our true self because we are afraid people will judge us and not accept us.

So yesterday I found myself in the midst of very strong women and one of them opened this specific topic by questioning how women have gone against the instruction from God. In the book of Ephesians (it's in the Bible in case you not sure what I am talking about), we are instructed as women to respect our husbands and for them to love us. She went on to say maybe God put it this way because He knew if we loved we would have trouble keeping our sanity. We all know a woman who lost her mind because she was in love or maybe we are that woman. She went on to argue that it would be hard for women to just respect and not love because it's in our very nature to love and nurture. I agree.

The topic then progressed to sharing experiences of current and previous relationships when we had lost our minds and acted out of character because of the actions of the people we had entrusted our hearts too. The stories made us laugh and cringe and things came up from the ladies that made one think, we are really not alone in our struggles and hearing the experiences of others makes you thankful for the ones you thought you couldn't bare because you realise in that moment that it could have been worse.

I have always been very vocal about my story because I believe if one person can hear it, it may save them from having to endure what I did. It was therefore refreshing to be sitting with women who didn't feel the need to wear masks and play along to society's expectation that we need to be strong all the damn time and never admit that we are hurting. And no we were not having a pity party because we didn't just sit there and pretend to be victims of our circumstances. We shared our lessons and were even able to relate what those different experiences had taught us. The point is not to dwell in what happened to you but to reflect on it in a way that allows you to learn whatever lesson the Universe wanted you to learn.

Things do not just happen for our amusement, even the very things that you think will kill you serve some purpose in your life. I suppose the trick is to keep it moving and to find the lesson and not be stuck in the way that you feel, to rather choose to be enlightened because of the pain you have experienced.

At the end of the day, we were all able to look back on our hurts and disappointments and find a sense of gratitude because we realize how we have grown because of them. We always think that if we could go back in time we would do things differently, I say, even if you did go back in time, chances are you would repeat the same mistakes again because you wouldn't know what you know now after having gone through the experience. I am thankful for the opportunity to have shared and learnt from my fellow sisters. We can never change the past, but we can choose to have a different future because we have altered our perceptions and what we are willing to take from the bad that we have seen.

 

CROSSROADS

You know what they say about being stuck between a rock and hard place? Have you ever found yourself in such a situation? Having to make a decision and not knowing which one to make. Sometimes you know but all the choices available to you come with some risk and being human, it's only natural to want to take the route that has the minimum risk.

Without delving into details let's just say I recently found myself in such a situation. Having to choose between what I want to do and what I have to do. The disadvantage of not being young and carefree is that, the choices you have to make are no longer just about you but there are other people in your life too that you have to consider and think about. You have to go through that consideration because you know that whatever you decide will affect them as well.

What do you do when you find yourself at a crossroad? Turn left or right, move backward or forward or stay put. You have 5 options available to you but whichever one you make leaves you with 3 possibilities.....you either find what your soul yearns for or you dont but find something better than you had hoped for or you fall behind.

It's both terrifying and exciting at the same time. Terrifying because you are forging into the unknown and exciting because you have the chance to make a decision that could possibly set the tone for how the rest of your life is going to be. The thing that makes being at a crossroad so difficult is our need as human beings to be comfortable and safe and I've spoken about how this need can hold us back and limit us.

There's also the fear, that annoying voice in your head that manages to come up with all the reasons why you shouldn't take the plunge, why it's too risky and why you may fail. If you not careful that voice has the ability to overpower your dreams and the possibilities to a point that you don't believe in them anymore.

If you wondering what I did with my recent crossroad: The answer is that I decided to move forward and take the plunge. Am I scared? Oh hell yes I am but thinking of the options I had, I decided that my dreams of the future were to be more powerful than my fears and even if I don't know what the outcome will be, I resolved that it was better to try and fail than live with the regret of what if.

That's the only option that's ever availed to us at a crossroad. The choice to discard our fears,  to leave the comfort of what we know in pursuit of what our hearts truly desire. Life has no safety nets and everyday between being born and dying, we are given countless opportunities to be reborn, to seek the treasure that makes us toss and turn at night. Those things that we yearn for can only be found once we are willing to make those hard choices and decisions. When we finally find that our dreams mean more to us than staying put and waiting, in that moment, we know that even when multiple arrows are presented before us pointing in different directions, we will gladly choose the option that scares us the most but puts us a step closer to what we desire.

GRATITUDE

 I woke up this morning and realized that I truly do have all I need. In that same breath, the words of a close friend echo in my mind and I hear her say, "Retha, God doesn't give us what we want but what we need." And I think to myself, God bless her arse, she is right.

I find my joy in the simple things, comforting my baby when she cries, getting a squeeze from her tiny hands and hearing her say she loves me and I am her "queenie", listening to her scream over the TV while I try to study, when she wakes up and laughs when she sees my face.

Im happy when I get home after a long day and meet someone who jumps with joy at seeing my face. When I can just be and pour a glass of wine and take my bra off and not have to pretend to be anything but me in that moment.

Such a full life, one that I want to enjoy each and every second of.

I'm thankful. To God, for all He gives me and who I am in Him. For family and the shared tears and the truths told that others cant face with me.

I'm thankful for a job, however stressful it may be. It allows me to provide and do for myself. But more than that, its a place that has ignited my spark, where I found my purpose and confirmed for myself that there is nothing is I would rather do than invest my time and efforts into making things better for the next person. I am thankful for those cases I encounter in my line of work, the ones that make me cry behind closed doors for they make me a stronger person, more appreciative of all that I have. I am thankful for my supervisor, someone who has taken me under her wing and continues to guide me in this journey of fulfillment. She's more than that, she is the fighter who shows me what it is not to spare any sacrifice so others can be helped.

I'm thankful for the circle of friends that grows smaller but stronger with age. The sisters I have met through Christ, those one who pray with and for me. Who are not worried with the details but merely ensuring that I know I am never alone in whatever I come across. The sisters who have my back and make me laugh. The people who get my crazy and never try to make me anything else. Girls, I have gained so much from my encounters with you. I love you. I appreciate you. And I am thankful for every moment and all roads travelled that led me to the sisterhood I found in you ladies. La itseba!

I'm thankful for the food I eat, the books I can read, for taking a shit and getting that sense of relief, for laughs shared, tears shed, memories made, dreams achieved and those that still keep me awake at night and inspiring me to wake up in the mornings.

Thankful for being alive and having a full life

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT WE ARE GAINING

We all have things that we are working towards. Dreams that we want to achieve. In the process we give all that we can to them and we expect to see results, some change, a sign that we are in the right direction but we don't always get that.
Sometimes you put in the work, make the sacrifices yet from where you are standing it still seems like nothing is working out the way that you had hoped. You start to doubt yourself and even start to believe that maybe you are fighting for the wrong thing, chasing a dream that may never come true.
What we don't understand and realise is that while in the process we may not get what we want, we are getting something else that may not be so obvious. The problem is our need to be instantly gratified, to do something only for a few days or months and then see results. You go to the gym for a week without fail and at the end of that week, you hop onto the scale expecting the number to have gone down. You write a few ideas down, attend meetings here and there with people who seem to get what your vision is about and expect to see the money rolling in after a few attempts. When it doesn't happen in this way, that need for immediate gratification clouds your judgement and you want to give up and start chasing the next thrill.
In wanting to achieve the things we desire we become obsessed with results. To the point where we forget to enjoy the moment of the journey and to learn some valuable lessons in the process. Did you know that when trying to lose weight, in the first few weeks or months the number on the scale may go up and not down? It's not to say you are not making progress because what is actually happening is that you are losing fat and gaining muscle and that's why the number is going up, muscle weighs more than fat if you didn't know. So you look at the scale and tell yourself that you are failing and that need for instant results over powers you and you want to give up. The same thing if you trying to start a business or whatever your dream may be, you want instant results and when that doesn't happen, you deem yourself a failure and want to give up.
Have you tried to look at the process from a different angle? Not getting what you want, when you want it but gaining so much more in the process. Learning to embrace failure which is just another way to know what works because you tried it and you can now eliminate one item off your list that you know for sure won't bring your results. You have gained a lesson. A lesson you wouldn't have otherwise learnt had you gotten what you desire immediately.
Patience from having to wait it out and knowing when to act and when to step back. Resilience from having failed but still had the courage to try again. This trait can only be developed because you had to overcome something you initially thought you couldn't. Strength which you get from falling and tripping but never growing weary of trying. These are the things that the process teaches you, the things you can never have if you always get what you want, when you want it. The things you will never be able to embrace and learn if all you are focused on is making it and getting results.
Anything worth having needs to be fought for because in the battle you learn and develop all these traits that will help you preserve and sustain what you want when you finally get it. Even in the times when it seems like nothing is going your way, the work put in is not producing results instead of growing despondent, just change your perspective and you will realise that even when you don't get what you want, there is something that you have gained.

WHAT THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

A week ago, I attended a bridal shower in Lesotho with my sister. This was not your usual type of bridal shower, or my idea of one. When I hear the word bridal shower what comes to mind is a kinky theme, girls gone wild and drinks all night. Sort of like celebrating your last weekend as a single woman. This one was different though as majority of attendees were the bride's family:  mother, aunts, grannies etc. The friends only made up 5% of the total number. I was already yawning when we got there because I expected it to be boring.

Speeches we made by the elders to congratulate the bride to be, we ate and had champagne. Had dessert and even went for a second helping. Though the shower didn't fit the script of the norm I ended up enjoying myself and learning so much. Then they had that part where all the married elders go to a secluded room with the bride to be to give her pearls of wisdom for the chapter she is about to embark on. Since I had my glimpse of marriage in the past, I ticked myself fit to be part of that meeting. I was curious about what goes on in there. You see some of us never had the pleasure of experiencing such, we just jumped into the deep end and thought we would learn to swim along the way and MAYBE that's why we drowned.

I loved how the lady who opened the conversation started, when she said, "we are not here to scare you but to prepare you for the journey ahead. Remember everyone who will be speaking will do so depending on their context and their view of marriage. You don't have to take everything you hear but pave your own foundation in your own marriage." That spoke volumes to me, not taking anything away from the experience of elders and what years in a marriage may have taught them, sometimes they expect what they say to be taken as the only truth of what being married can be and that is not always a true reflection.

The elders then began to share their thoughts. Everything from the importance of humility, standing your ground, building your own traditions and customs as a new family, how to handle your in laws, submission and how to deal with affairs if and when they arise in your marriage. What stood out for me is how giving in on your marriage was never made an option. What do you do if you have really tried all you could but it still doesn't work? But more than that it spoke to how our generation lacks tolerance and the patience to stick through it during the rough patches. Several women spoke about the first and second honeymoon. The first one being right after the wedding and the second one being years into the marriage when you have faced the storms together and hated each other and acted out of character but somehow found your way back to each other and the love that initially brought you together in the first place.

So I learned, marriage is not a bed of roses and the tough times are not always an indication that you should give up. Sometimes you just need to stay put and hold on and God can help you pass the storm. I was sitting there thinking why is it only married women who are allowed to partake in this discussions because there is so much single ladies, especially those aspiring to marriage can learn through these talks. Why only be prepared a few weeks before the wedding when these pearls of wisdom are needed even prior to the wedding date? Not only to prepare you for getting married but possibly also to tell if you are ready or not and if you really willing to do all that is said to be the foundation for a good marriage.

In the same breath I wondered if men were also taken through the same process just before marriage or it was expected only from the women. Something that came up quite frequently in what was said is how a woman is responsible for building her home. I suppose that's a fact but does it take responsibility away from the role and part that the man needs to play? You can only do so much as a woman. If the man is not prepared or equipped, no amount of preparation and words can help the woman succeed because this is not a fight you engage in solo. I think both men and women should go through this preparatory phase and maybe the institution of marriage has a better chance of succeeding. A boxer can have all the preparation before a fight but if he is going to go into the ring alone can he really say he has won? You need an opponent to fight with to claim victory but in the case of marriage, the other party is not your opponent but someone who will fight equally hard to ensure that both of you win and your marriage wins

DO YOUR PART

Few days ago I had one of those days when you can't wait to get home, take your shoes off and drink a glass of wine. I had been at school from 8am in the morning trying to sort out issues around my registration and getting recognition for the modules I did in my previous degree. I woke up bright and early determined to beat the queues and finish early but I had another thing coming as students were there in numbers when I got there. I stood in 1 queue for what seemed like forever, 2 hours to be exact, only to be told I was in the wrong queue.

I was pointed in what was said to be the right queue but the lady there couldnt help me either. At least the queue there was shorter. Went to the third point now, walking around mind you in the blazing sun and just feeling irritable and annoyed. Got there and was told it's the wrong point and was sent to another one. QUEUE AGAIN! At that moment I have to admit that my patience levels were non existent and anything and everything just seemed to annoy me. I have yet to master this virtue they call patience, still have a long way to go. I eventually got assistance at the last point and by then I had already missed 2 classes despite being on campus since 8am. It was just after midday. 

I took a taxi home and put on my headsets, determined to push the happenings of the day to the back of my mind but not feeling any less annoyed at this stage. I always have my headsets packed in my bag for days like these when I just want to get home and not have anyone try to start a conversation with me along the way. I got off at my stop, went to the local spaza to get a few necessities and this boy, couldn't have been more than 13 years of age, approaches me and asks me to buy bread for him to eat when he gets home.

What caught my attention was that he didn't ask for money, he asked that I buy him food so I believed his request was genuine. A closer look at him and his uniform is not only dirty but torn so I asked him to come closer. He goes on to explain after questioning him that he lives with his mom and grandmother and both are unemployed so there is no food in the house. I buy him milk and bread and give him a R10 and walk away.

But my heart is tearing from the inside, so many questions run through my mind and I wonder how they survive. Here I am annoyed at the day I had and this boy is walking back from school, probably tired and wondering what he is going to eat when he gets home. I can't help but be thankful, for my life and all that I have. It's not much but at least my family and I don't go to bed on an empty stomach.

I am overwhelmed but I know that I must do my part to change the world. It may not be the whole world but if I can change one person's life I would have done more than enough. Walking home after that encounter, I saw the importance of following through with my vision for Born To Conquer.

THE BIGGEST LIE

You know what I liked about Khanyi Mbau back then when she was still chasing fame and wealth? She was unapologetic about it. You look at her now and see that she's grown so much over the years and made so many changes but even then when her behaviour wasn't exactly a "norm" she lived by her own rules and never pretended to be anything that she wasn't. Whether you agreed or not wasn't the point, she stuck to what she wanted and believed at the time.

Now I don't get people who know they are one thing but act to our faces like they are something completely different. People who try to uphold standards set by society only as far as we can see but turn around and do what is truly them in private. People who say what sounds right and acceptable when they don't really believe in it. Whose fooling who here?
We all need to come to a place where we stick to our truth, whatever it may be instead of trying to please the people around us by doing what they want while not even doing it at all, just merely pretending so that they think the right things about us. Given that we all show different sides to who we are depending on the people we are with but at the core of it all, needs to lie who we truly are. We can't be preaching one thing and doing another, saying this but doing that.

I would rather someone be true and show me all of them and give me the fair choice to decide if I want to associate with them or not. Not someone who says and does what they think will gain them my approval while having no intentions to live by those things when I turn my back and look the other way.

I don't know if it's a quote out there or something I made up in my overworking mind but at any time you lie, you may deceive the rest of us but the biggest lie you tell is the one you tell yourself. It's too much of a burden to try and live life wanting to please others and living a lie in the process. Just be yourself, whatever your self is. It may not make you favourable but you can at least live knowing that you aren't ashamed of the choices you make and how you behave, you owe yourself that much. Don't try and win us over with lies, don't portray yourself in any way other than the one that is a true reflection of who you are.