EXPECTATIONS

I have always been the kind of person who said I would die for the people that I love and meant every word. I have always been the type of person who put myself on the back seat so someone else I cared about would have the front. No I am not calling myself perfect or claiming to be this selfless person who cares only about the needs and wants of others. All I am saying is that, I am not a bad person and when someone is in my life......I genuinely go out my way to ensure that they are okay. as best as I know how considering that I am not exactly one of those well off people.

The Bible somewhere in Matthew teaches us that when we do for others, we don’t do so to get recognition and praise or to be known and that what we do with our right hand should remain a secret to the left hand and vice versa. Loosely translated the verse means that, whatever we do for others, we should not expect in return for what we do, will be rewarded in heaven. "

Isn’t it purely human though for me to expect a little gratitude when I help you with something? No I am not saying that you owe me, but I mean it would be nice if you acknowledged me in someway. Even if you forget, would it be unrealistic to expect you to help out when I once helped you out? Are we not supposed to reap what we sow? If that is the case, how come I reap good seeds and get to sow weeds? I don’t understand it.

I think it is only natural to expect from people what you would do for them. It’s true that you cannot expect someone to give you what you cannot give yourself or even to the next person. So for me, the expectations I have are largely to do with knowing that, if it were you.....I would do this and that for you. Is it unfair? Maybe it is.

We try to do good but it certainly is no guarantee that we get good in return. We go all out for those we love and care about but sadly when we need the same amount of love, we get an empty room staring back at us. Makes you wonder, how true is this Universal Law of Attraction theory; am I not supposed to attract more good the more of it I give out to the Universe? It seems reality and theories are really worlds apart. Knowing without a doubt that I would kill for another person doesn’t mean they feel the same way, infact the people we would kill for in most cases end up being the very ones who kill us.

My lesson over the weekend was just that: Just because you would do it for them doesn’t mean they should or are obligated to do it for you. They can or they wont, the choice is theirs but it also remains yours whether you hold on to it and become bitter or whether you build a bridge and get over it. Use it as a lesson learnt and let it make you better and not bitter. Unfortunately the only way we learn is by getting hurt and disappointed and by learning that those we would take the bullet for may be the ones holding the gun. 

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAD

Very few people have heard me talk about my dad. Me and him didnt have the kind of relationship that allowed me to share jolly stories with those I interact with, so I chose instead not to talk about him.

My dad was an introvert, those extremes types who never said a word unless you spoke to him first. I grew up not liking my father, mainly because of the things I had grown up witnessing. My parents got divorced in October 2000 and for a long time after that, I didnt have any kind of relationship with my dad. That was until I saw him and my mother get along after their split and it seemed kind of stupid for me to still hold a grudge against him.

The problem though was building and sustaining a relationship. It was hard to try and built on something that did not have a foundation while I was growing up. I think my dad and I only started to patch things up after the birth of my daughter. I had never seen my father light up as he did everytime that he was in his granddaughter's presence. "Oprah" as he affectionately called her, brought out a sight in my dad I never had the privilege to witness as I was growing up. And the more of that sight I saw, the less our past mattered because I felt that he would make up for the things he did by being the best grandfather ever.

The fact that he was my only surviving parent also made me open up my heart and begin to embrace him. In the months leading up to his death, I recall for the very first time in my life my dad and I talking openly, about life and the future. We were healing. We were reaching a place that seemed so impossible to reach just a few years ago. The last time I saw and spoke to my dad, he spoke of my wedding day. I dont recall my dad being that excited when I graduated, I dont doubt that he was happy but the way he spoke about the wedding. He told me about this suit he was going to buy and that he was going to invite his best friend from Joburg to attend. He beemed with pride, I guess like one of my friends said the other day, "your dad would have been proud to see you in that white gown because for him, it would have said, despite his shortcomings he had raised an incredible and amazing being."

It made so much sense what she said. I look at myself today and say, he couldnt have been such a bad guy because I am proud of how I turned out, I am proud of the seed that he produced and even the negative traits that I may have taken from him, they have ultimately made me the woman that I am today.

What hurts me the most is that we were on our journey of recovering and it was cut short. I think a part of me will always wonder, what could have been.............I wonder who will walk me down the aisle now. how the perfect day will be perfect with both my parents not there.

I am thankful though, for the fights and lessons, for the path that strengthened me and made me appreciate life and be a fighter. I am thankful for his strong traits that I inherited that allow me to be my own person with my own voice who doesnt get sucked in by the crowd.

No matter what, I was your little girl and I loved you.

Lesole Johannes Lenkoe

Born: 28 March 1942

Died: 17 December 2013

May you find eternal rest till we meet again.

SUPERWOMAN

We listen to these songs that tell us what superwomen we are, we read books and magazines that say that the modern woman can have it all, go to school, work, raise children and be a superb wifey to her man. We seek to be those women who still smile despite their worlds falling apart and applaud ourselves for making it through the day without breaking down when everything around us is collapsing.

But there is a downside to playing superwoman, even if you are one, the stress and burden of everything that you have been sweeping under the rug will eventually catch up with you. I believe that is what happened to me just last week. When I went from fine on Monday during working hours to being admitted the same night and spending a week in hospital. Somewhat after numerous signs that your body has been sending you, I think it eventually just pauses on you to force you to stop and rest, to stop and take a breather and realise that the world will not fall apart if you take a few minutes, hours or days for yourself.

Sadly we don't know how to stop, when to stop. Even as I was lying in hospital, all I could think of was my child and whether she was being taken care of, my partner and whether he was eating right and not developing a roaming eye. Jokes aside, you worry about everything from the dishes to the laundry to what they are eating and if they are coping without you. So what began as a means for your body to get you to relax ends up making you more ill, blood pressure mounting, increased days in hospital and the possibility of exhausting your medical aid.

The past week must have been very hard for my loved ones, Wame who sat there helplessly watching me breathe with the aid of an oxygen mask, my family and friends barely recognising my bubbly and stubborn self in the state that I was in. My princess, as unaware as she seemed, it killed me what it was doing to her seeing that mommy wasn't well, that she wasn't home when she slept at night or woke up in the morning to go to school. More than anything, I think this scared me and made me question myself so much and not only that, it was a reminder that even when we feel like we have so much to live for.........life could still be taken away from us at any moment.

We owe it to ourselves to slow down and not worry so much about taking care of others that we forget to care for ourselves. Its not just about the future plans that we make but the moments that we have now, and how we choose to embrace and enjoy them. Its about making provision for tomorrow but being content with who we are today, where we are and what we have and finding joy in the present.

I LOVE YOU WAME

Blessings come in different forms and ways and God uses different people in our life to bring about His blessings to us. This morning I am grateful and overwhelmed by the gift of love, the blessing of a family and the warmth that one gets from being in the right place with the right person.

Over 2 years ago I met my best friend. Someone who progressed from being a stranger at a mutual friend's birthday party to a boyfriend to a partner and now my family. Its so amazing how you meet someone and you have no idea how drastically they will change your life, for the better. Its amazing how they come into your life and you feel that something that you were not even aware was missing from your life has just been found.

Today I want to thank God for the gift that is Teboho Innocent Majara. A man who has taught my heart to believe again, a man who came into my life and didn't try to change anything but ended up changing everything. My friend and my partner, my cheerleader in everything that I do. There is no dream that I have shared with this man that he did not support. Even when he probably thought I was crazy he never said but instead he always believes in my dreams and in my goals and he always tells me that there is nothing I cannot achieve. He will stay up late at night, eyes red and full of sleep just to see me finish the latest creative work I have, he will get all excited with me when I share my latest crazy venture. He will drive up and down and leave whatever he needs to do to make sure that what I had to do was done on time and perfectly so.

Wame as I call him, Wame because he truly is all mine. He has never made me feel like I needed to compete for his attention. He never made me question his loyalty and love, it was always freely given without fail. He has been there through times any normal person would have ran in the opposite direction, he has never given up on me even during the times that I was not the prettiest human being to love (believe me I can be a handful at times). His love has always just wanted the best for me and never asked me to be anything that I am not.

Its been an incredible journey with him by my side, one that was not always rosy, not always the nicest to be on and I wouldn't be true if I said we never came across times when we wanted to call it quits, times when it didn't seem like all the hassle. Sometimes he works on my nerves, sometimes he is your typical Sotho man with the stubborn nature to go with it. Sometimes I just wanted to shake the hell out of him because he would upset me that much. But that's the beauty of being together, the hurdles that adds spice to it all, the ingredients that we need to grow and learn. We have learned so much, we have learned that it will not always be easy but God has blessed us with a gift so rare that it is worth fighting for.

The good times, the bad times, the fun times, the tears......they all ultimately got us here today and wen I look back, I know that however imperfect it may have been, it was just perfect for me. There is nothing I would change, nothing I would take back. Its exactly on this road that I have met my soulmate, my partner for life, my pillar of strength and the man who reminds me everyday that I am a queen and deserve nothing less than the best.

Today I want to tell Wame this: Life has a new meaning with you in it. Thank you for filling my life with such joy, thank you for being my hero, for being my strength, for being the one I run to when the world shuts me out. Thank you for being the amazing being that you are and thank you for the assurance that the rest of my life, will be the best of my life. I love you.

               

         

 

 

WRESTLING WITH ONESELF

There is something really peaceful about the mind and the heart singing along to the same tune. It really is a good space to be in when the choices you are given are in sync with the way in which you want your life to be. But what happens when the mind and the heart are in conflict? What do you do when logic tells you something completely different from what the feelings are saying?

That is a place I am familiar with, at one point, my life was exactly that. I knew what I wanted, I knew what was right, I even knew the decisions that I needed to take but my heart was not playing along. It really did seem that my heart had an agenda of its own. A lot of time it seems that the right thing to do is often the most difficult and if that didn't make things hard enough, there is a rather blurry line between how our decisions affect us and those we love. Even in situations where you are wrestling with yourself, the fight or the outcome of it, seldom affects you alone. That means that in the decisions and choices we make, there are other people to think about and consider.

Naturally we want to put those we love and their needs before our own. It seems noble to do that, anything else is seen as selfish and definitely not how anyone who is loving would act. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it is flawed. There is no way, we are able to truly be all we can be to our loved ones unless we seek and find our own happiness first, as individuals. As a mother I know how it seems totally unacceptable to put myself first but I have come to realise that, the only way I am a good mother, partner and caretaker for my family, is if I am happy and have my needs taken care of. It is not selfish, I need to be a whole person in order to be what those around me need.

I was talking to someone who was at a cross road, to stay in a relationship so the child can be raised by 2 parents in the same environment or to leave and first seek their own happiness. It is never an easy decision to make and the more I thought about it, the more it echoed in my head that, we need to be complete first before we attempt to complete others. Of course it is easier to say and write, it is easier to judge when watching from the side lines but I say this with experience, I can proudly write it because I have lived it.

This is what I told the person at a cross road: No one can ever make the decision for you, nor can anyone else feel for you that it is enough. It is a decision that you have to struggle through on your own, it is a decision that means wrestling with yourself, fighting but still being quiet enough to hear the voice within you and what it says. That voice was put there for a reason, to whisper to us the things that God is not able to tell us directly, that is the voice that will never mislead you or turn against you. The voice says different things to different people, even if their situations may look the same. You make a decision that works for you and only you, once you have taken care of you, once you are happy, then only can you turn to care for those around you.

The only reason why we wrestle with ourselves is because we have been taught to put ourselves last, to look at the overall picture before making a decision, to consider the reactions of others and society before considering what will make us happy. The kind of life and world you want to live in begins with you.......not your child, your partner, your family

GENERATIONAL CURSES

I don't know how I feel, something has been on my mind for a few days now. I wonder if we will ever come right as a people, whether we will ever be strong and wise enough to raise our children in a way that does not repeat patterns of the past. What is it about a woman that makes her so weak when she's in love that she is not able to think straight? Is it even love to begin with? Because the love I know protects and nurtures those around you, love does not force you to choose where the choice would obviously be impossible to make.

A young girl came to me the other day for assistance. She recently had a baby and her mother also has a baby just over a year old. Now this young lady received a bursary to study at an FET college but the bursary only covers books and tuition and that means she has to cover transport costs herself. from what I gather, this young lady does not get along with the mother's boyfriend and as a result, she has been cut off. Her mother will not help her care for her baby, she wont give her transport money so that she goes to school and now its gone as far as the mother telling her that she should fend for herself and not eat anything that she bought with her money. All this because she does not get along with the mother's boyfriend.

When she told me her story, my heart was sore, it still is. I haven't been able to understand how I would one day choose to side with a man over my daughter. I cant imagine being so desperate for a relationship to work that I take everything a man says and make it the truth. Right to say that my judgement is based on one side of the story but I cant imagine what a child can do that is so bad that you deem it right to deny her food. When you give birth to a child do you not know that you are responsible for them till such a time when they are able to stand on their own. How then do you just wake up one day and decide that, you have had enough, that the man you now have is so important to you that nothing else matters, not even your children.

I feel helpless, there is only so much I can do and I believe that it is not my place to get involved with family politics or even confront the mother about all is. My question though is this, how do I help her? I don't think I can just turn a blind eye to her story and go on like I don't know what is happening. I am praying, God will guide me, I don't believe in things just happening, this story must have come to my attention for a reason.

Her story makes me think, this is how the cycle of abuse, poverty and low self esteem continues amongst our people. When you deny a child the right to go to school because they have a baby, when you teach young ones that having a baby at an early age means that you have no future to speak of, when you teach young girls that whatever a man says goes and should not be disputed. That it is okay to hold on with everything that you have to a man, even if it means losing everything that you have or that you had built before him. This is how we raise a generation of bitter women, women who grow up to hate all that a man stands for, young women who live their life seeking the approval they never received from their parents, even if it means jumping from one relationship to the next, abusing alcohol or drugs, anything they can get their hands on that will numb the pain.

Breaking the cycle needs to start with the way in which we run our households, the way in which we protect our children and the values that we instil in them. A woman needs to be strong in order to raise strong children and by strong I don't mean teaching our children to take in whatever is thrown at them and still keep a straight face. I don't mean strong in the sense that we have been taught, strong is not staying in an unhealthy marriage, strong is not being abused but going to work everyday and smiling like nothing is happening. I mean, women need to know their worth, they need to stand up for what is right, they need to learn to put themselves first, to pursue individual happiness first because it is only when they are happy and complete by themselves that they are able to raise children who are happy and complete as well.

If we keep making the same decisions that our mothers and grandmothers made, we will always have in our societies, our communities -young women and men who feel failed by their parents, by society. The cycle continues and we continue with our lives as if we don't see it happen. It breaks my heart and more than that, I hope it tears at me to the point that it pushes me to action.

NEW BEGINNINGS

The other day a friend of mine sent me a pic of her new hairdo, well I don’t know if a bald head qualifies as being classified as a hairdo. She told me that it represented new beginnings and also showed her support towards women with cancer. I may be getting ahead of myself but I think that it was somewhat meant for me.

Me and her have never really gotten into details about my illness but she’s one of the few who have made their support known from the time that I found out about the cancer. Anyways this blog is not about that. It is about new beginnings and the courage to give ourselves a clean slate.

For some the decision to shave off all your hair may seem insignificant but I think it is a big deal. I for one have never had the guts to shave off all my hair, not even when my mother passed away and it was expected of me culturally to have it shaved off as a sign of mourning. I didn’t need to have a bald head to show that I was hurting or that I was in mourning, I reasoned with myself and my elders but the truth is, I would have died if I had to follow through on that.

How would I look? I don’t exactly have the best looking head around. I just couldn’t imagine myself walking around with no hair and God forbid the cancer ever got to that stage where I start losing my hair; I would probably stop at some Cosmetics store for a wig before I went to hospital. So for me, whenever I see a woman walk around bald, it just means that person has guts.

I don’t know whether it was an easy decision to make for her but I admire her courage. In that simple conversation when she sent me the picture, I was reminded of a few lessons we all need to keep in mind as we go on about the business of life. I want to share with you what I remembered when I looked at my beautiful friend and her bald head.

1.       Courage. The ability to do what feels right for us despite how others may interpret it. Courage is being prepared to do you, even if the rest of the world will not agree with it, it is choosing to stand out and not be sucked in by confirming to societal norms.

2.       Selflessness. Doing for others what is not expected of us when we not even going to gain anything from it. It is knowing that doing for others is not something only the rich and privileged do, that with what we have, wherever we are, we are able to touch the lives of others. That no matter how small or insignificant the gesture seems, to someone else it may be the world.

And lastly, what I took from this picture and the conversation with my friend was that, a new beginning is not tied to a specific time of the month, like the first of a new month. No matter how far along in the wrong direction we had travelled, anytime, any day, any moment we had the power to change direction. To not only acknowledge our flaws and dwell in them but to learn from them and use them to give ourselves a clean slate, a new break, a clean page……….instead of feeling stuck and wishing things were different, we could decide to start today to live the life we always wanted. Every second, every breath……is a chance to start over. A new beginning is always within reach.

WE WANT GOD TO PROMOTE US BUT FAIL TO BE FAITHFUL WITH THE SMALL TASKS

Its been well over a week and this title has been nagging me and playing in my head. I wanted to write about it but words failed me. I didn't know how to expand those words into a full on blog, so I aimed to ignore it even though it refused to go away.

Then this morning a friend and I were chatting on whatsapp when she said that she needed to call me and talk to me about something. I immediately thought about men trouble as it seems that is what ladies mostly speak about when they are troubled. But I was wrong, hers was more a situation of being caught between a rock and a hard place. The decision to leave one job for another is not always clear cut and straightforward. We spoke in length about her dilemma and suddenly it came to me, "we want God to promote us but fail to be faithful with the small tasks'" This is what I told her too and thank God she understood in what context I meant it and therefore did not take any offence.

We pray and ask God to lead us somewhere, in the path that leads us to our dreams. We all have goals and aspirations, things we want to attain and reach. What most of us fail to understand however is that, the attainment of our dreams is seldom handed over to us on a silver platter. Not only do we need to work hard to get what we want but there are sometimes pit stops along the way before we can get there. Now these pit stops can be arranged and disguised as a number of things, it could be your dream is to be an Chartered Account and once you complete your studies you are unable to work within that field. Your pit stop may be to work as an intern, and then maybe a junior before you get the job that you finally want.

But the problem with most of us is that we want overnight success, we want whatever we want and we want it now. We are not willing to wait, we are not willing to built a house from scratch, we want to get there and find a complete building, roof, ceiling, under floor heating and all. We think that it is enough to just dream and pray and then wait for God to deliver. We think that is what faith is but faith actually entails that we do our part, that we bring diligence along to our prayers. It is understanding that things will not always be as we want them to be or happen when we plan or want them to happen. It is acknowledging that God uses pit stops to prepare us better for the real position that He wants us to occupy, it is trusting God with the little that He gives you so that He may increase it.

Be prepared to start somewhere, be faithful with where you are now and what God has placed in your hands so that He may promote you and lift you to a higher position.

 

 

 

HOW FAR ARE YOU FROM WHO YOU WANT TO BE?

Do you still recall the picture that you had in mind while you were growing up? If you were anything like me then you had everything planned out really early in life, you knew what you wanted to study, which profession you wanted to follow, when you would have your first child and be married and live happily ever after.

You soon find out that life has different plans for you, that the plan seldom comes together as you had hoped. They say life is what happens when you busy making other plans, while you busy starring into the sky, thinking up what makes the perfect life, life is happening and as it happens, you wake up to find that your life is far from how you thought it would turn out. The first reaction would be that of defeat, when you finally have so much on your plate that you believe your dreams do not matter anymore, you don't have the time, the money, the resources......So you convince yourself let go of all you grew up wanting for yourself, you feel that its not important anymore.

You rationalise with yourself that things turned out exactly as they should have, you belittle the things that you believed in back then so that they seem insignificant and in that way, you are able to live with not pursuing them. Not only the dreams and aspirations that we had, we also imagined the type of people that we wanted to be, how we wanted to relate to others and how we wanted to be remembered. Somewhere along the line, so much happens to us, good and bad but these become the experiences that shape us. Others may bring out the best in us while some events and circumstances seem to turn us into people we ourselves do not even recognise.

When you look in the mirror today, do you see someone that you are proud of? Or don't you recognise the person that stares back at you in the mirror..........we cannot deny that when life hurts or breaks us, we don't always know how to approach it, the lesson that we are meant to learn is not always received and embraced and instead of becoming better people, we become one of those people who have become cold and distant as a result of our experiences.

Ask yourself, how far are you from being the person that you want to be and if like me you find that you have deviated from your ideal, your principles and what you want to be known for, change it. Do not dwell on the flaws, do not get stuck in the past, do not look at how far you have travelled in the wrong direction. It is never too late to turn back, to give yourself a clean slate and be someone who stands tall, someone who embodies all the sweet things that your dreams were made of in the beginning. You can still be the person that you dreamt of, one whose dreams were not limited by reality, one who believed in innocence and purity, one who believed that they could be anything they put their minds to.

WHO ARE YOU???

Imagine someone walked up to you and asked you, “Who are you?” What would your response be? Honestly! Think about it for a moment………………………….

Most of us, whether consciously or not, will most likely answer that question in a way that secretly seeks the approval of the person who asked the question. “I am a down to earth, loving person”, “I love people and I am a sensitive person”, “What you see is what you get”, just some of the most common responses to the question who are you.  People will seldom say, “I am a loner who doesn’t like interacting with others” or “I am impatient and will do whatever it takes and stab whoever is in my way in the back to get my way”

We are all aware of our negative traits but will often hide them to only portray an image of us that is perfect and one that conforms to the standards set by society. The question who are you, needs internal probing, self-reflection, a real look into ourselves so that we are able to honestly answer that question without holding anything back. It gives us the opportunity to genuinely look at ourselves and even identify aspects that we don’t like about the people that we are. That realisation shouldn’t make us vulnerable but raise awareness in us because it is only when we can admit our shortcomings and flaws that we are able to work on them and improve on what we don’t like.

Yet many times, I see people hiding the truth, concealing their flaws and pretending they are not there. We preach principles to the world, that command respect and sound noble but we not prepared to live by them, to practise them in our lives. We give out advice that we refuse to implement in our lives. What we say needs to correlate and live up to our actions, not a case of do as I say and not as I do. What we want to teach the world should not come from what we shout to them but how we conduct and carry ourselves. You don’t teach people humility or love, you walk in those and people learn from you by emulating what you do.

The denial of our human imperfections is not only a lie that we tell people but also a way in which we rob ourselves of growing and being better people. We cannot change what we don’t acknowledge and what we hide from others remains our biggest weakness and what they ultimately can use against us to bring us down. When we tell a lie about whom we are, we are not deceiving the person we tell the story to but we deceive ourselves more in the process. We remain stuck in our ways because we foolishly convince ourselves that people are unaware and nothing compels us to change what we believe others don’t know about ourselves.

Life should be about meaning and truth, this truth is not what is rooted in the beliefs of others but living a life that we are proud of. We have all read stories of celebrities or maybe even people that we know personally, who are successes in public but failures in private. This is the type of person, who says all the right things, does all the right things when people are watching and does the opposite behind closed doors. They receive praise from the public, from the people around them but in the quiet moments by themselves, they live with shame and disgust.

Who we are, is not what people see or what we let them see. Who we are probes at our mistakes, our secrets, the lies we have told, who we are is the person that stares you back in the mirror when you are by yourself, the shadow that falls asleep next to you when the curtains of the world have closed down. Who you are, is not what society deems acceptable but the thoughts you have and the choices you make when no one is watching or when you think no one is watching. Who you are is not the man or woman who dances or shouts the most praises in church and quotes Bible scriptures but what you do and say when it’s only you and your God watching.

I always say, the biggest lie you can tell, is the one that you tell yourself. You may get away with lying to the people around you but the lies stare back at you and follow you when you only have yourself for company. And that’s when you find people who can’t be alone, by themselves, who are always seeking a way to numb reality out, whether it’s through drugs, alcohol, jumping from one relationship to the other, shopping etc., whatever your crutch is, it only works for so long because at the end of the day, at the end of your life, you only have you and what you truly know about yourself to answer to.

Think about it carefully the next time you answer the question, who you are. Instead of thinking of the right thing to say, listen to the silent voice that whispers within, look right in and through you and give an honest answer. It may shock or repel the next person but by being honest, you give others the chance to love you for who you really are. You give yourself a chance to open up to the fact that you are human and like everyone else, you too have flaws. You give yourself the platform to embrace in whole who you are and what you stand for, what you lack and need to work on. Do not continue to live a lie that pleases others but slowly eats away at you, be bold enough to say you are a work in progress, aware of the work that still needs to be done in you.

GROW WHERE YOU ARE PLANTED

Its quiet natural to want something better for our lives, to be uncomfortable with where we find ourselves and want to do everything within our power to see that change. Sometimes though, in search for better, in wanting to improve our lives, we miss that there is a reason for being placed where we are. That sometimes, God doesn’t want to remove us from the place where we find ourselves, He instead wants us to grow and bloom in that exact position or place that we want to leave.

Whether it is a job that you dislike, or staying in a place that you seem to hate, God doesn’t just do things for the fun of it, because He has nothing better to do with His time. At times you are placed in a situation that is uncomfortable for you, to teach you a particular lesson and at times, the lesson is not for you but those that you find around you. At any given moment, where we find ourselves could be a place of discovery for us or we could be serving as a teacher in the life of someone else, who needs a particular lesson that God may have chosen us to give to them.

It can therefore mess with His bigger plan, when we becomes so frustrated with where we find ourselves that we completely miss to take in and embrace the lessons of the moment. When we become so consumed with growing to the next level that we miss that which God is trying to do in our lives or the way in which He may be trying to use us for the benefit of others.

 

 

Last year I found myself attending a college that just seemed to rub me off the wrong way. I had won a bursary competition on a local radio station and felt obligated to ride this wave out. But everything about the place, the lecturers, the way things were run, even just the Headmistress breathing seemed to work on my nerves. I felt trapped and given, I was unhappy to be there. Waking up every morning to attend classes was sheer torture; it was just something I didn’t want to do. As miserable as I was, I also felt slightly guilty for those feelings. I had been given an opportunity that many would kill for and here I was, taking it for granted, not in the least appreciative for it. It felt wrong to complain and so I kept attending classes despite my lack of interest in anything that was taught.

About a month into things, I sparked a friendship with 2 young ladies who were both younger than me but already married. It was our conversations about men and marriage that brought us together but ultimately I would learn that, as young as these ladies were. They were somewhat despondent about their lives and the situations that they found themselves in. I think back to all the chats we had, on life, school, the dreams we had, our families and where we wanted to see ourselves.

I eventually quit the college at the beginning of the year, without notice or anything. I just woke up one day and decided that I wasn’t going there anymore. It was a random message from one of these ladies that reminded me that a situation may be insignificant at the time, frustrating and stressful but it may just be a part of God’s bigger plan. When you having innocent chats with people, you don’t know how something that you say may be the lifeline that they need to make a change in their lives. You don’t know how sharing the story of your struggles may be the motivation and hope they need to say, it gets better, things do eventually work out.

The frustration I felt at the time, being stuck in a place and situation I despised clouded the fact that God was using me at that time. To touch someone else, to give them hope and to encourage them to change the things about their lives that they were not happy with. I think most of us miss that, miss that nothing ever happens without a reason and that God always has a purpose.

Whether it’s His plan that we become mature, that we grow in our faith or that we relay a message to someone who needs it at the time. We should live in the truth that, not all situations are meant to be left, sometimes, the very place you don’t want to be in, is where God is going to use you for His glory. Sometimes that place that seems hopeless is exactly where He plants you and wants you to grow.

Wherever we find ourselves, we should always listen to the voice of God because He will whisper to us that which we need to do. It is only by listening to His voice that we will know if we are meant to bloom where He has placed us or whether where we find ourselves now, is just a pit stop, a stepping stone to something bigger and greater that He has planned for us. Whatever the situation, open up your heart and be willing to embrace the lessons and teachings that come with being where He has placed you now.



YOUR BIGGEST TEST IS JUST BEFORE YOUR GREATEST BLESSING

About a week ago, I called a friend to rush me to hospital because I had chest pains that made it difficult to breathe; as if that was not enough I had the most severe stomach cramps. It felt like my insides were being torn apart. I was scared and in pain. When people always say, they saw their life flash before their eyes; I think it was at that moment that it finally made sense to me. For a split second there, I thought I would just stop breathing completely. As the car sped off to the emergency room, I thought of my child and niece and it was not justified that I wouldn’t be there for them in the future. They still needed me, here, on earth, alive and kicking as they say.

I was admitted and put on a drip, which didn’t seem to be working for the first few hours I was there (for all I know it could have been a few minutes that felt like hours considering the situation that I was in) and the assistant nurse injected me with something that would supposedly make me sleepy and a bit drowsy. I was completely vulnerable, not even able to hold on to the act that I play so well of being tough. I was frail and needy, needing my mother the same way; I felt my daughter needed me. I think that was the thought that kept me going; knowing that giving up was not an option, no matter how uncomfortable I was from the pain.

I spent 3 not so lovely days in hospital and I just wanted to be home with my children. (Don’t get lost, I do still only have one biological child but my niece is practically like my own and another girl, aged 17 that’s been living with me for a few months now – they’re all my babies). I had thought I don’t want my little one to see me in that situation but I missed her too much, I needed to see for myself that she was okay. So Sunday morning I asked them to bring her to see me, she was obviously oblivious to what was happening as she was playing and pulling the drip, which seemed to fascinate her. I enjoyed the little time that we spent together before they all had to leave as visiting hours were over.

On Monday the Dr said I could go home but I had to come back in a week for a sonar to monitor the progress I was making and to check on that growth I spoke about not so long ago. I was booked off for a week but being the person I am, one day at home, in bed was more than enough for me. I therefore decided to go back to work on Wednesday.

I received a please call me message from Dineo while on lunch that Wednesday afternoon. She’s the girl I mentioned who lives with me; she had just come back from school only to find that the house had been broken into. The burglars had somehow unlocked the burglar door, smashed the side window of the door and unlocked it. All my clothes were unpacked from the wardrobes and thrown on the floor, the house looked like a Tsunami had just hit it. My handbags were searched and also scattered on the floor. They had taken my Samsung tablet, a cellphone, CD collection, perfumes and other small items. I was shaken and felt so violated, the thought of a stranger in my home, searching and going through my stuff was unnerving.

We went to the police station that evening to report the crime and were told that the forensic guys who take fingerprints did not work at night, so we were adviced not to touch anything till they came there to take fingerprints. Really? Were we supposed to just sleep with clothes all over the floor, with a door and burglar that was not locked. That didn’t make sense to me and knowing how the police in our area operate, I really didn’t have any hope of them catching the people who did that, let alone actually coming through to take those fingerprints. And with those thoughts, I resolved it was pointless waiting and had both the door and burglar fixed that night which meant no fingerprints to take when they would eventually come.

The point of this blog is this; it felt like every bad thing that could possibly happen was happening. Then my mentor called me to ask how I was doing after she heard that my house had been broken into and it was while we were talking that it came to me. Just before your greatest blessing, comes your greatest test. It may feel like you are being torn apart, that you are mend to break but I realise that the things I had to go through were just God’s way of moulding me, making me stronger. Taking me down to nothing so that I may learn that He was up to something.

Sometimes our tests overwhelm us, we feel like we are given too much when the truth is, we really should trust our ability to face what life throws our way. The fact that God has chosen you for a particular problem means that He believes in you, He knows that you have what it takes to make it, to overcome. Bad things do not happen to us to destroy us but to teach us to surrender control and to refine us, so that we are exactly as God intended us to be. He makes us fight and struggle, to test our spirit, to see how badly we may want something in our lives. And just before He gives us His answer, He tightens the belt a little bit, He makes the road a little bit steeper and it’s at the point that we receive the crown of glory for persevering if we do not give up.

I found great comfort in this, in knowing that whatever may be happening in my life right now, the best is still yet to come. All I have to do is hold on a little bit longer and trust in God’s perfect timing.

ENVY DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO CELEBRATE OTHERS

I had a lengthy chat not so long ago with one of my close friends over the phone, about friendship and whether people really needed to be similar to be friends. Do we need to like the same music, the same type of men or even have the same fashion sense? While it is a good thing that you have something in common with the people that you call friends, I have found that most people that I draw near to are those whose hearts I relate with. My circle of friends is made up of all kinds of people, a rainbow of personalities and beliefs that sometimes cause conflict of interests.

Anyways, while chatting with my friend about this particular topic, something about people feeling the need to alter themselves to be accepted, trying to be what you feel others will approve of etc. That led to the question of whether we can really ever be happy for other people while secretly trying to be them, like them? I am not sure what the difference is, but I would like to think that there's a difference between looking up to someone, admiring them, for whatever reason and trying to be like them. I admire my friend, Odwa Gogo because she works in a field that I would give an arm and a leg to work in, psychology. But other than that, we totally opposite beings who have just found a way to co-exist and be friends. I look up to Uyanda Mbuli for her fashion sense and shoe collection but that shouldn't mean that I will go out and buy every outfit that she has. The part I admire about other people, should ultimately come together with my unique traits, to make me the person that I am.

What I mean is that, when you look yourself in the mirror and read through your life goals, your plans, those are the things that should give an indication of who you are. People should not look at your dress sense, the way you talk, laugh and act and see someone else (the person that you are trying to mimic). There is obviously something that draws us to the people we like, the people we spent time with, they have something that draws us and in turn, we too should have something that draws them to us. We cannot have that, while we busy suppressing all of who we are because we want to be like other people.

There is a reason why we are all called to be unique, it means that no one person will be like another, even identical twins are different in what they like and what makes them tick. We should see ourselves as being worthy enough to be liked for the people that we are, not because we had to suppress what we want and like, to be validated by other people. The people who cannot appreciate you for the real you, are the people that you don't need in your life.

Which leads me back to the question.....can we really ever be happy for other people while we trying to outdo them, be like them etc. I think that there is a very thin line, that we all need to be aware off and never cross. Sometimes at trying to reach certain levels that those around us have reached, we end up envious and that means that we are not able to wholeheartedly share in the achievements of others. If a friend buys a car today and you automatically want one, not even being aware of how long they saved to get that car, what sacrifices they had to make, it simply means you are living in the envy that pushes you to do better than the next person, rather than congratulate and be happy for someone else.

In an attempt to be all that we can be, in searching for role models and people who inspire us, we should not lose sight of that which makes us different from everyone else. And of all the traits, habits and characteristics that we model from others, who we are on our own should still reign supreme, not the person that we think everyone else around us wants us to be. We need to learn to celebrate the achievements and milestones of others without making it about us, without feeling the need to take shortcuts in life, just to be on the same level as others. Remember to dance to your own music, not the beat that is created for someone else.

DREAMS THAT KEEP US ALIVE

Last year I had the pleasure of attending the annual Dream Week at Christian Revival Church. Although I am not a member at this church, I make it a point to attend this annual conference because of the powerful speakers that they invite to give sermons every year. What has stood out for me over the years is that the sermons sound more like motivational talks than sermons and that is what I love about them. So last year was no different, I went because one of my favourite pastors, Ps Chris Hill was going to be one of the speakers.




Of all the sermons he gave during that week long conference, the one that particularly stood out for me, was the sermon he gave on rekindling our dreams. He went on to say that when life has thrown everything our way to defeat us, we should bounce back like a tennis ball that been hit against a wall and bounce back higher than the level we were when we were thrown off balance.

I've lost count of the many times that it has happened to me or the people egard the very things that made us want to wake up in the mornings, we listen to all the voices that we were taught to ignore, those voices that said we will never be good enough, the voices that said that our dreams are crazy and impossible to attain.


We start to live a life of settling, settling for a paying job, a nice enough house, a career path that doesn't make us happy, as long as it pays the bills. It seems better to postpone chasing our dreams because the timing is not right, we have children to feed, family to look after, so the postponement turns to totally forgetting what it is that kept us alive. We go on living, for everyone else around us but neglect to take care of ourselves. Somehow what we want is not as important anymore as opposed to the needs of everyone else around us.


You wake up everyday, you smile and laugh and do what you must and it appears you are happy but the truth is, a large part of who you are is suppressed, hidden beneath the surface, melting under the pressure of obligations and duty. The very dreams that make you crazy, that made you want to do well at school, those were the dreams that formed a part of who you are. And in most cases, the dreams engraved in us correspond to the purpose we have been created for. So when we deny these dreams, its almost like we are turning a blind eye to the purpose we are meant to fulfill.



It was a lunch date with a friend this afternoon that acted as a prompt for me. We were casually chatting about her new job and relationships when she said...."I am chasing my dreams, the dreams of my boys and I don't need someone to drag me down." I am not sure she realised the impact that those words had on me, at that exact moment. Not only has she decided to do what she's always wanted to do, to build a legacy for her children, she also acknowledged in the sentence, the importance of surrounding yourself with people who will support your dreams and those who will build you up.



I needed that little reminder to go after what I want, to chase my dreams and more importantly, to share my dreams with people who will support me no matter who crazy I sound. Those who will give me the platform to be me and in that way, work towards attaining my God-given purpose. Whether it is the dreams we had as little ones or the ones we developed as we matured, we should preserve the dreams that kept us alive. But more than preserve them, we should actively work towards attaining them.

MUST HAVE CONVERSATIONS

Being a big mouth has gotten me into trouble more than once, all my life for as long as I can remember, being honest and frank has not gotten me the respect I thought was owed to me, instead I found myself having to apologise numerous times when all I did was be honest. I have always maintained that I want people to tell me the absolute truth, whether they thought it would hurt or not, I simply did not want to be protected by lies or omission, so it only made sense that I give people the same truth that I seeked from them.

It was important to be true to me and that meant sometimes having conversations with people on things they did not really want to discuss or tell them things they were not ready to hear or didnt want to hear. Throughout the years, the one thing that has remained constant is the fact that, people claim to want the truth but they are not able to handle it, when they do get it. So we just say, hurt me with the truth than protect me with your lies but actually what we mean is that, as long as the truth does not contradict anything that I believe then you can share it.

Its all fine and dandy to turn a blind eye to things that may happen, to simply pretend not to know or not to care and to protect those we love by omitting facts and opinions that we know they would rather not hear but once in a while, we come across those really hard conversations to have. The kind when you find out some information that you wish you hadnt discovered and you are left with the burden of revealing the secret or taking it to your grave. It could be anything from discovering that your friend's husband is having an affair, or that a cousin of yours is stealing money from your grandmother. Sometimes we across things that we really cannot keep to ourselves, as much as we dont want to hurt the people around us, we simply cannot turn a blind eye to the truth that we discover.

The hardest part is not knowing whether the person you about to reveal the secret to will appreciate it or whether they will feel that their life was better off not having being told. Then you have those truths that threathen to destroy your relationship, friendship or family life if they are confronted. So you try to pretend that everything is okay and go on about life as if everything was fine, thats where I differ considerably with alot of people, I think. I cannot for the life of me pretend that everything is okay when its not, I cannot learn something about you today and go to bed with the same light weight that I woke up with that same day.

I seek the truth and when I find the truth, I confront it even if the confrontation could get ugly. I just cannot live with the burden of things not said and anger carried towards someone who does not even know that they did you wrong. Have I lost people for being truthful? Fortunately not, they may throw their toys out the cot and become angry for a few days but its always gone back to an amicable agreement. Yet funny enough, the many times I did try to turn a blind eye to situations, when I was wronged but tried to keep it in, I ended up being bitter and resentful and the feelings I harboured inside eventually led me to distancing myself from people. At times it was really over silly and simple matters, other times it was things that weighed me down and were serious to me.

Either way, whether serious or not, I found that when I looked back months or years later, I had lost friends or lovers not because I spoke out but because I tried to keep the peace by pretending that everything is fine, eventually, it was not the truth that killed it but the burden of the pretence. This blog is a result of days of searching, wondering whether I really needed to tone myself down if I wanted to keep certain people in my life. Maybe as my mentor once said, I have too strong a personality and not everyone appreciates that and sometimes being outspoken doesnt work for everyone and that I need to tone down. I considered it, I wanted to try it but sitting here now, I realise that if I did, I wouldnt be me, I wouldnt be what I was designed to be.

The truth may get me into trouble at times, the truth may push certain people away but thats okay, its the once that were not meant to be in my life anyway because it would mean that they tried to suppress a fundamental core of the person that I am. Some conversations are hard to have but how well we move on and adjust lies solely in being able to address the grey lines and say out loud what others dare to sweep under the carpet. I cant apologise for that.

LIFE IS NOT PERMANENT

We spent so much of our time on earth worrying about things that dont really matter, we miss most of our lives because we are preoccupied with a future that may not even happen. How sad it is, that life always has to throw some major curveball our way in order for us to stop and just embrace life and live in the moment. We hear about the death of a loved one and we are shocked at the reality that life is so fragile and so short, that really none of us are gauranteed to live well into our 70s.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fragile child. Referring to my health that is, I always blamed my mother for having me at such a late stage in her life for my weak immune system. I grew up being the child that always had flu, was away from school etc because something or the other was wrong with me. My immune system or lack thereof soon became the latest joke amongst my circle of friends and around my family. I would get ill from the strangest things, most of these usually associated with elders or aging. Getting ill was definately something that I had to make peace with from an early age, frequent visits to the Dr became a norm to me.

I was okay with it, I had gotten to that stage where I know my weaknesses and the names of the pills I had to take in order to be okay or live a relatively normal life. Nothing seemed to scare me anymore, I was popping pills like I was drinking water. It was really that normal to me.

Towards the end of last year, I started getting these severe abdominal pains that I didnt really take seriously, because I had given birth via c-section. I just assumed that the pain was normal, maybe a sign that I had not completely healed. So I took pills and more pills and blamed the weather for my pain. Someone had once told me that, if you have an operation, cloudy or cold weather could possibly make it ache. It made sense to me because these pains seemed to correspond with that type of weather. Going to the doctor was not an option because I convinced myself that with time, the pain would get better.

That was until I started getting stomach cramps about a week ago. Even then, I really just ignored any sign that I needed to go to the Dr until a colleague forced me to. I had a sonar done and some tests and was told to come back on Friday for the results. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart, somehow I felt that my legs were unable to carry me to the Dr's office and more than that, I had spent a sleepless night playing the outcome of the results in my head. Preparing myself for the worst.

That turned out to be such a futile exercise though, how does one prepare for something that they dont even know? Nothing could have ever prepared me for the news that I have a cancerous growth in my womb. Even as I write this, it feels like I am talking about someone else. At my age? How can it really be? It just feels like the whole world has fallen on my shoulders.

In that moment when I got these news, none of the things I was angry about or worried about mattered. I could only think of my daughter and what all this meant for her and whether I would live long enough for me to raise her, to see her bloom. I dont want to sound defeated or hopeless but this is really one of those life changing events that remind you that life is so fragile and short, that none of us are gauranteed that forever with the ones we love. Its not about living a reckless life but ensuring that we make the best of the time that we have been borrowed. Tomorrow may be your last day on earth, think about what type of legacy you want to leave.....what memories you want to engrave in the hearts of those you share your life with.

I am left wondering, whether the life I am living today is representive of the type of memories and legacy I want to live. Pushed by the fact that tomorrow may be too late to right the wrongs I have made and therefore, today is the only day that I have to try and make the right choices, to live in a manner that says to my daughter, your mother did the best that she could.

THE DATING GAME

A friend and I were chatting about men the other day, over a few glasses of a red drink. The dating scene has changed drastically over the past years, from running to the house phone every time it rang hoping it would be your crush calling, to listening out for his whistle from outside because he couldn’t come into your yard (those raised by black parents will relate) and you had no cell phone, so that was his only way of alerting you of his presence. Then we had cell phones, those big ones that didn’t even fit into the pockets of your jeans and now the era of smart phones and social media (facebook, twitter and the likes) and who can forget that oh so convenient BBM and whatsapp. We have made tremendous progress, you would think with all these improvements the type of men we meet would have also improved. That is unfortunately not the case, well so my friends tell me because thank God, I have been out the dating scene for a while. By that I mean that I am in a steady and committed relationship and hopefully the halo over my head stays right there.

 

You know how long it took you to finally figure out who you are and what makes you tick? And sometimes everything that you think you know about yourself finds itself under some scrutiny that makes you doubt it all, now imagine trying to learn about someone else and what makes them tick and for all that work to go down the drain when you break up and you meet yet another person that you have to start from scratch with. Wouldn’t life just be easier if we were all paired according to our likes and beliefs and you knew for sure that the person you fall madly and deeply in love with, felt the same about you? But that is not how the Universe works; in fact one would swear that it goes out of its way to make mating and dating difficult and tedious.

 

Just in the past year I have witnessed many of my friends fall in and out of love. Find people who swept them off their feet and then made them spent countless nights crying themselves to sleep or asking themselves questions that they had no answers to. The dating game seems to get harder with age, I wonder whether with time men and women date for the same reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means using the same brush to paint all men, they are not all bad that I know. I just wonder how come so many ladies I know fall into the trap of falling for the wrong guys, men who mostly turn out to be totally different from the first impression that the gave in the beginning of a relationship. Is it women who miss the signs or fail to ask the most relevant questions that leads them to end up in relationships where they are lied to and they are cheated on? Or is it a simple case of being so desperate for something to work that you ignore any voice of reason that whispers to you in the initial stages of a relationship?

 

Listening to ladies talk about the ‘frogs’ they have come across in the dating game led me to the conclusion that, the strain of trying to meet someone new or finding a potential suitor is the exact reason why so many other people choose to stay single for years or for those in long term unions to stay in lovelorn relationships. The conclusion is actually a question because I cant say for certain, nor can one explanation fit everyone’s story. It just makes sense to me, that if I were single, just the thought of blind dates and meeting weirdos would be enough to put me off dating for a while or that if I was in a relationship for years, I would stay with the notion that “rather the devil that you know” than expose myself to the task of filing away years of all I know about this other person, only to have to go and learn the habits of another from Grade 1. It just seems easier and less stressful to stay with what is familiar or to rather be alone and invest my time and efforts in other areas of my life that I can control and be sure of the outcome.

 

Apparently all good men are either taken or gay, that kind of belief could also play a role in people refraining from dating and couldn’t we also say that, with that kind of mindset one was highly likely to attract those types of men we perceive as bad boys. If you don’t believe that what is in the sea is edible, doesn’t it then make it a given that what you find you will not be happy with? And while we at it, lets look at the expectations that our fellow sisters have and take with into in the dating game. The bank account balance needs to be a certain amount before you even look in his direction, then the physique has to be that of Denzil Washington and he has to tell jokes like Trevor Noah, the list is endless………….I am by no means advocating that women should settle just to be in a relationship but with maturity should definitely come a different approach and list of qualities that we seek in an ideal man. Love ends up losing because it is not packaged in a way that we want, because it comes disguised as below par and because it does not match what the lady next door has.

 

We look at what others have publicly with no idea what happens behind closed doors and we make that what should apply for everyone. Often times when you see your friends “happy” in a relationship, you automatically assume that to be happy you also need the exact same thing. But men are different and so are we, what works for one couple doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. More importantly what we miss is that, even the happiest couples have problems, fights, arguments and issues but they work through them and then people want to break up with their partners because they don’t do what their friend’s partner does. As important as it is never to stay in a relationship that is not healthy, it is equally important to acknowledge that no one is perfect, we have flaws, we have habits that annoy others and if you going to run away every time that someone shows they are human, you will be stuck in this dating game, complaining that all men are the same when the problem isn’t the dating nor the people you meet but your perceptions and expectations.

 

Dating and a relationship to me are not the same, in the stages of dating; you are still getting to know each other, finding what works and what makes the other person tick. Be yourself but also find it in you not to rush the process by being too serious too soon, enjoy it and make it fun and even when you meet those frogs along the way, laugh about it but never forget the lesson that it was meant to teach you.