MUST HAVE CONVERSATIONS

Being a big mouth has gotten me into trouble more than once, all my life for as long as I can remember, being honest and frank has not gotten me the respect I thought was owed to me, instead I found myself having to apologise numerous times when all I did was be honest. I have always maintained that I want people to tell me the absolute truth, whether they thought it would hurt or not, I simply did not want to be protected by lies or omission, so it only made sense that I give people the same truth that I seeked from them.

It was important to be true to me and that meant sometimes having conversations with people on things they did not really want to discuss or tell them things they were not ready to hear or didnt want to hear. Throughout the years, the one thing that has remained constant is the fact that, people claim to want the truth but they are not able to handle it, when they do get it. So we just say, hurt me with the truth than protect me with your lies but actually what we mean is that, as long as the truth does not contradict anything that I believe then you can share it.

Its all fine and dandy to turn a blind eye to things that may happen, to simply pretend not to know or not to care and to protect those we love by omitting facts and opinions that we know they would rather not hear but once in a while, we come across those really hard conversations to have. The kind when you find out some information that you wish you hadnt discovered and you are left with the burden of revealing the secret or taking it to your grave. It could be anything from discovering that your friend's husband is having an affair, or that a cousin of yours is stealing money from your grandmother. Sometimes we across things that we really cannot keep to ourselves, as much as we dont want to hurt the people around us, we simply cannot turn a blind eye to the truth that we discover.

The hardest part is not knowing whether the person you about to reveal the secret to will appreciate it or whether they will feel that their life was better off not having being told. Then you have those truths that threathen to destroy your relationship, friendship or family life if they are confronted. So you try to pretend that everything is okay and go on about life as if everything was fine, thats where I differ considerably with alot of people, I think. I cannot for the life of me pretend that everything is okay when its not, I cannot learn something about you today and go to bed with the same light weight that I woke up with that same day.

I seek the truth and when I find the truth, I confront it even if the confrontation could get ugly. I just cannot live with the burden of things not said and anger carried towards someone who does not even know that they did you wrong. Have I lost people for being truthful? Fortunately not, they may throw their toys out the cot and become angry for a few days but its always gone back to an amicable agreement. Yet funny enough, the many times I did try to turn a blind eye to situations, when I was wronged but tried to keep it in, I ended up being bitter and resentful and the feelings I harboured inside eventually led me to distancing myself from people. At times it was really over silly and simple matters, other times it was things that weighed me down and were serious to me.

Either way, whether serious or not, I found that when I looked back months or years later, I had lost friends or lovers not because I spoke out but because I tried to keep the peace by pretending that everything is fine, eventually, it was not the truth that killed it but the burden of the pretence. This blog is a result of days of searching, wondering whether I really needed to tone myself down if I wanted to keep certain people in my life. Maybe as my mentor once said, I have too strong a personality and not everyone appreciates that and sometimes being outspoken doesnt work for everyone and that I need to tone down. I considered it, I wanted to try it but sitting here now, I realise that if I did, I wouldnt be me, I wouldnt be what I was designed to be.

The truth may get me into trouble at times, the truth may push certain people away but thats okay, its the once that were not meant to be in my life anyway because it would mean that they tried to suppress a fundamental core of the person that I am. Some conversations are hard to have but how well we move on and adjust lies solely in being able to address the grey lines and say out loud what others dare to sweep under the carpet. I cant apologise for that.

LIFE IS NOT PERMANENT

We spent so much of our time on earth worrying about things that dont really matter, we miss most of our lives because we are preoccupied with a future that may not even happen. How sad it is, that life always has to throw some major curveball our way in order for us to stop and just embrace life and live in the moment. We hear about the death of a loved one and we are shocked at the reality that life is so fragile and so short, that really none of us are gauranteed to live well into our 70s.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a fragile child. Referring to my health that is, I always blamed my mother for having me at such a late stage in her life for my weak immune system. I grew up being the child that always had flu, was away from school etc because something or the other was wrong with me. My immune system or lack thereof soon became the latest joke amongst my circle of friends and around my family. I would get ill from the strangest things, most of these usually associated with elders or aging. Getting ill was definately something that I had to make peace with from an early age, frequent visits to the Dr became a norm to me.

I was okay with it, I had gotten to that stage where I know my weaknesses and the names of the pills I had to take in order to be okay or live a relatively normal life. Nothing seemed to scare me anymore, I was popping pills like I was drinking water. It was really that normal to me.

Towards the end of last year, I started getting these severe abdominal pains that I didnt really take seriously, because I had given birth via c-section. I just assumed that the pain was normal, maybe a sign that I had not completely healed. So I took pills and more pills and blamed the weather for my pain. Someone had once told me that, if you have an operation, cloudy or cold weather could possibly make it ache. It made sense to me because these pains seemed to correspond with that type of weather. Going to the doctor was not an option because I convinced myself that with time, the pain would get better.

That was until I started getting stomach cramps about a week ago. Even then, I really just ignored any sign that I needed to go to the Dr until a colleague forced me to. I had a sonar done and some tests and was told to come back on Friday for the results. I woke up this morning with such a heavy heart, somehow I felt that my legs were unable to carry me to the Dr's office and more than that, I had spent a sleepless night playing the outcome of the results in my head. Preparing myself for the worst.

That turned out to be such a futile exercise though, how does one prepare for something that they dont even know? Nothing could have ever prepared me for the news that I have a cancerous growth in my womb. Even as I write this, it feels like I am talking about someone else. At my age? How can it really be? It just feels like the whole world has fallen on my shoulders.

In that moment when I got these news, none of the things I was angry about or worried about mattered. I could only think of my daughter and what all this meant for her and whether I would live long enough for me to raise her, to see her bloom. I dont want to sound defeated or hopeless but this is really one of those life changing events that remind you that life is so fragile and short, that none of us are gauranteed that forever with the ones we love. Its not about living a reckless life but ensuring that we make the best of the time that we have been borrowed. Tomorrow may be your last day on earth, think about what type of legacy you want to leave.....what memories you want to engrave in the hearts of those you share your life with.

I am left wondering, whether the life I am living today is representive of the type of memories and legacy I want to live. Pushed by the fact that tomorrow may be too late to right the wrongs I have made and therefore, today is the only day that I have to try and make the right choices, to live in a manner that says to my daughter, your mother did the best that she could.