EXPECTATIONS

I have always been the kind of person who said I would die for the people that I love and meant every word. I have always been the type of person who put myself on the back seat so someone else I cared about would have the front. No I am not calling myself perfect or claiming to be this selfless person who cares only about the needs and wants of others. All I am saying is that, I am not a bad person and when someone is in my life......I genuinely go out my way to ensure that they are okay. as best as I know how considering that I am not exactly one of those well off people.

The Bible somewhere in Matthew teaches us that when we do for others, we don’t do so to get recognition and praise or to be known and that what we do with our right hand should remain a secret to the left hand and vice versa. Loosely translated the verse means that, whatever we do for others, we should not expect in return for what we do, will be rewarded in heaven. "

Isn’t it purely human though for me to expect a little gratitude when I help you with something? No I am not saying that you owe me, but I mean it would be nice if you acknowledged me in someway. Even if you forget, would it be unrealistic to expect you to help out when I once helped you out? Are we not supposed to reap what we sow? If that is the case, how come I reap good seeds and get to sow weeds? I don’t understand it.

I think it is only natural to expect from people what you would do for them. It’s true that you cannot expect someone to give you what you cannot give yourself or even to the next person. So for me, the expectations I have are largely to do with knowing that, if it were you.....I would do this and that for you. Is it unfair? Maybe it is.

We try to do good but it certainly is no guarantee that we get good in return. We go all out for those we love and care about but sadly when we need the same amount of love, we get an empty room staring back at us. Makes you wonder, how true is this Universal Law of Attraction theory; am I not supposed to attract more good the more of it I give out to the Universe? It seems reality and theories are really worlds apart. Knowing without a doubt that I would kill for another person doesn’t mean they feel the same way, infact the people we would kill for in most cases end up being the very ones who kill us.

My lesson over the weekend was just that: Just because you would do it for them doesn’t mean they should or are obligated to do it for you. They can or they wont, the choice is theirs but it also remains yours whether you hold on to it and become bitter or whether you build a bridge and get over it. Use it as a lesson learnt and let it make you better and not bitter. Unfortunately the only way we learn is by getting hurt and disappointed and by learning that those we would take the bullet for may be the ones holding the gun. 

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY DAD

Very few people have heard me talk about my dad. Me and him didnt have the kind of relationship that allowed me to share jolly stories with those I interact with, so I chose instead not to talk about him.

My dad was an introvert, those extremes types who never said a word unless you spoke to him first. I grew up not liking my father, mainly because of the things I had grown up witnessing. My parents got divorced in October 2000 and for a long time after that, I didnt have any kind of relationship with my dad. That was until I saw him and my mother get along after their split and it seemed kind of stupid for me to still hold a grudge against him.

The problem though was building and sustaining a relationship. It was hard to try and built on something that did not have a foundation while I was growing up. I think my dad and I only started to patch things up after the birth of my daughter. I had never seen my father light up as he did everytime that he was in his granddaughter's presence. "Oprah" as he affectionately called her, brought out a sight in my dad I never had the privilege to witness as I was growing up. And the more of that sight I saw, the less our past mattered because I felt that he would make up for the things he did by being the best grandfather ever.

The fact that he was my only surviving parent also made me open up my heart and begin to embrace him. In the months leading up to his death, I recall for the very first time in my life my dad and I talking openly, about life and the future. We were healing. We were reaching a place that seemed so impossible to reach just a few years ago. The last time I saw and spoke to my dad, he spoke of my wedding day. I dont recall my dad being that excited when I graduated, I dont doubt that he was happy but the way he spoke about the wedding. He told me about this suit he was going to buy and that he was going to invite his best friend from Joburg to attend. He beemed with pride, I guess like one of my friends said the other day, "your dad would have been proud to see you in that white gown because for him, it would have said, despite his shortcomings he had raised an incredible and amazing being."

It made so much sense what she said. I look at myself today and say, he couldnt have been such a bad guy because I am proud of how I turned out, I am proud of the seed that he produced and even the negative traits that I may have taken from him, they have ultimately made me the woman that I am today.

What hurts me the most is that we were on our journey of recovering and it was cut short. I think a part of me will always wonder, what could have been.............I wonder who will walk me down the aisle now. how the perfect day will be perfect with both my parents not there.

I am thankful though, for the fights and lessons, for the path that strengthened me and made me appreciate life and be a fighter. I am thankful for his strong traits that I inherited that allow me to be my own person with my own voice who doesnt get sucked in by the crowd.

No matter what, I was your little girl and I loved you.

Lesole Johannes Lenkoe

Born: 28 March 1942

Died: 17 December 2013

May you find eternal rest till we meet again.