AN ANGEL IN OUR MIDST

I have always known from a young age that I wanted children of my own, growing up an only child I promised myself at least 3 so that they wouldn't grow up alone like me. I am by no means saying that I had a lonely childhood, quite the contrary, I was always surrounded by family and lots of cousins. You know what they say about cousins being our very first best friends? Because we grow up dressing the same and doing all sorts of things together. Well that is how it was with me and my cousins.

But the holidays always ended and I wished that I at least had a sibling to go home with. My mother had me when she was 35 years, so it was very unlikely at that age that she would have another child. Being an only child had its perks though, it was not always bad, in fact a majority of the time, I had a blast.

Anyways we are here with this blog.................I met someone, who at the time I thought was the world to me and we sat down and planned for a child. Yes!!!! It was planned, not those oops kind of moments where you miss your periods and go into a frenzy when you find out that you are pregnant. We actually wanted a child and believed that we were both ready for the responsibility and commitment that came with raising one. Sadly life did not go as we had planned, but I have no regrets and I always say, no matter how things ended or why we parted, a beautiful and precious life came out of that relationship.

My Sunshine, my angel, my breath and my life. Orapetsoe Lethabo Lenkoe. I honestly cannot go back to a time before she was born and recall what was so fantastic about it then. Being a mother to this incredible soul has given me so much joy and peace, well the peace part is sometimes a bit of a blur but even if I were given the chance to do things over, to make different choices, I would probably want to change alot of things but she wouldnt be one of the things I change. I always knew that my mother loved me but I never really understood the depth of that love till I had my own daughter. I sometimes look in awe, trying to figure out how God could have trusted me that much to care for her innocent soul.

It is scary, so much goes through your mind and you wonder whether you will be all that she needs, if you can provide her with all that she needs. On the flip side, knowing that God entrusted this life to you reassures you and tells you that, you surely have what it takes. God is not known for making random decisions that must mean that I was chosen for a reason.

I live everyday and pray to be a Mother that she can look up to, someone that she can always run to when the world has her in a corner. More than anything, I wish that God would grant me the years and life to see her age and achieve all that she dreams of in this life. In the present, I hope to be a model of humanity and kindness to her, a sign of hope and resilience and a reminder that no matter what life throws your way, you never ever give up.

THE FAT BLUES

If you are one of those women who has never struggled with their weight, kudos to you. I say women because even though men should also worry about their health and eating patterns, the trend seems to be women who worry the most about how they look and what their weight is. Maybe I am being sexist but who cares? Or maybe women are just more vocal about it than men are and we therefore assume that men are not as bothered about their weight as we are.
Beginning of the year started on a high, ready to tackle this weight issue and beat it once and for all. Ha, how quickly the hype dies down and we forget the resolutions that we made and before you know it you are back to eating burgers and chips, fizzy drinks and all the nasty things you said you would leave, you find yourself indulging in them again, without guilt may I add. No one should ask you anything, you don't owe anyone an explanation. God forbid a colleague has the guts to remind you 2 months into the year that you said you were changing your eating habits......if looks could kill, they would die on the spot. So you continue with your old habits, no care in the world. At least that is what happened to me, I was all committed then somewhat lost it along the way and went back to my not so desirably habits and lost myself in the comfort and when my eyes opened, NONE OF THE JEANS IN MY CLOSET FIT.
Nothing brings you back to reality quicker than realizing that you have nothing to wear. As it is, women can have a closet full of clothes but still feel like they have nothing to wear. Imagine that being true, as in literally true. You have nothing to wear but the leggings that you bought a year ago because fortunately for you, they stretch. So the bigger you become, the better they stretch. But you can only wear leggings for so long before they lack of variety start to bore you. What do you do? Go and buy new clothes to accommodate your new size? What about all the other stuff in your wardrobe, what happens to those? Ja, giving them to charity may seem noble but will you buy clothes every 2nd month to accommodate the new weight because if you don’t do anything about it now, certainly means that you are making room for more weight to come your way.
So I made another resolution. I will not buy any new clothes until I fit back into my old jeans and the pants I bought a few months ago that I have not worn till now because they don’t fit. By the way, am I the only person who does that? Like something so much that I buy it and then vow to myself to work out till it fits but never do? I do and I never learn. Forget the health benefits to maintaining a healthy weight, look right here to the now. The extra lumps just kills my vibe nje, I mean I am recently married…….I want to catwalk my way around the house in sexy lingerie but I can’t do that now can I? It just looks plain weird to me, then the thing doesn’t sit quite right, which means it does not achieve the desired look that one is trying to go for.
The weight struggle is a battle many of us fight each and every day but we pretend that it doesn’t bother us, we make fun of ourselves and judge ourselves but will never show the next person just how unhappy we are with what we see staring back at us in the mirror. I am now on Day 5 of trying to form new habits, I read someone that if you want something to become a habit you need to do it consistently for 21 days. So I am trying to form that new habit: exercise, drink plenty of water and eating right. I weigh myself but I want to refrain from making this about the scale but to rather let it become a way of living.
Day 5 and counting! Will keep you posted.