LETTING GO OF THE PAST; MAKING THE PRESENT WORK.

I read a thought provoking update the other day on Facebook. I don't remember the exact words but what the person was basically saying was that we need to give each relationship a clean slate and not let past experiences ruin it with the person that you meet in the present or future.

After my last relationship ended I had it in my head that my next partner should be someone who was divorced. I reasoned that someone who was from a marriage that didn't work out would better understand what it took to make a relationship/marriage work because the assumption is, we learn from those experiences and can do better when the opportunity presents itself again.

This was until I read an article that said a large number of people who get divorced once are likely to do it again, not because the second or third time is unbearable but because the new partner is constantly being judged against the behaviour of the previous partner. Which means a person is likely to leave not because things are irreconcilable but because in the minds of their partner, what they are doing resembles what the other party did and this becomes the cue that says one must leave.

So the update I read had so much truth to it. That sometimes it's not the relationship dying a natural death but dying because it is suffocated by everything in our past that we don't let go off. We continue to feed our fears and hurts to the point that that becomes the only thing that survives. When it happens we don't realise how wrong we are instead the death of another relationship reinforces our belief that no one can measure up to the kind of love we want.

We are asking for something that we are not prepared to receive and then turn around and say it doesn't exist. Most of us having been broken before learn to shield ourselves in an effort to protect our hearts but often don't realise that the higher we build our walls, the harder it becomes for love to penetrate those walls.

Making any relation work requires that we be prepared to be vulnerable and this is where most of us go wrong because we walk in with baggage rather than lessons. We don't want to let our guard down and this blinds us to what is and could be. We learn to play our cards close to our chests, we play mind games and let pride and ego dictate how much of ourselves we give away with each encounter.

Given that we need to guard our hearts but until we learn to be vulnerable, we are just wasting each other's time because it means we are holding back. It's our vulnerability that will allow us to give another a clean slate and allow us to let another in and trust them not to hurt us with what we give to them. It is the realisation that we need to be prepared to give what we hope to receive. Our experience of the past should not take away our willingness to try again.

#RLG

DARE TO LIVE THE LIFE YOU WANT

Most of us if not all of us want to be successful right? I assume you shouted yes. I'm by no means an expert on how to make money so when I say success don't limit it to having ching in your account. We all have individual definitions of what success is and that determines what we pursue and the choices we make.

Irrespective of how you define success, I believe there are a few principles that are universal. In the quest to transition from where you are to where you want to be or from who you are to who you want to be - there are a few things you need to check and put into place. 

1. What do you believe? Before you see any changes in your life, it needs to start with what you believe. Do you believe that you can go where you want to and be the person that you want to be or are you are a prisoner of your own thoughts, believing that possibilities only exist for certain people and only a privileged few. You have to do more than envision yourself going somewhere, you actually have to believe that it's not only possible but you are capable of achieving it. Until you change your thoughts about yourself and your ability to do what you want, you won't go anywhere, nothing in your life will change. Whilst it's a boost to the ego to have people believe in you and see your potential, that's not going to do much for you until you can look in the mirror and see your own greatness. 

2. What are you willing to risk? If you are not prepared to risk anything, chances are great that you won't get anything in return. Often we become loyal to things and people that are a hindrance to where we are trying to go and for as long as you choose that loyalty over where you see yourself being or going, you risk the possibility of staying in the same place and being stagnant. Success comes with taking risks, knowing that things are not written in stone and that sometimes without knowing what's on the other side of your comfort zone, you must take that leap of faith and hope for the best. If you are scared to take risks, you will never know what could have come from your faith. A single jump could be all that stands between you and reaching your goals. 

3. What do you need to sacrifice? It could be a few hours of sleep because you need to put in extra work towards what you want. It could be missing a few social gatherings because there are other pressing matters to attend to. It could be walking around in the same pair of jeans for a year because you saving up to start that business or attend that course that will make you eligible for a promotion. Whatever it is you aspire to, there are sacrifices that you need to make along the way to eventually get what you want. "Temporary sacrifice, long term gain" that's the motto one of my friends used when she left the comfort of her job to pursue her studies. Do what you must, discard what you can, make the sacrifice today so you can have what you want tomorrow. 

4. How badly do you want it? We all have dreams but what separates those who achieve and those who don't is how badly they want their dreams to become a reality. How they treat their dreams and the amount of work they put towards realising those dreams. You cannot dream of a slim body and overlook the need to exercise and eat right,  your actions and decisions need to be aligned to what you hope to achieve. It's not a by the way affair, it's not a when I have the time activity. Every day you wake up, you have to be conscious of what it is you want and take steps that will lead you there. It's commitment and discipline, it's what you think, what you risk and what you are willing to sacrifice - all these elements, everyday, consistently, without growing weary. It's giving all you have, all you can and not stopping till you have what you want. 

"Dreams don't work unless we do" 

You are #BornToConquer, don't get stuck where you are. #Evolve

#RLG

LOST IN APPLAUSE

It is so easy to become consumed with what people say to us, especially when it's things that we want to hear but if we are not careful we may become stuck in a place that creates a need to always be praised and lose focus of what it is we need to do. The dangerous part becomes also the inability to discern what is genuine and what is not. Not all good news have good intentions. 

We are taught never to believe the negative things that people say about us or to us, although sometimes there can be a grain of truth to those things we don't want to hear but that's a topic for another day. How do you know when good news isn't such good news? When praise and cheers aren't laced with good intentions? How do you switch off when you hear what you want to but it's something you shouldn't be taking to heart? Are you even aware that sometimes people know exactly what you want to hear and use that to exploit you? 

Studies dating back to learning theorists have taught us about reinforcement and punishment as a method to help children learn and we grow up with the knowledge that anything that deems punishment we need to stay away from and whatever receives reward is reinforced. So when we get a pat on the back and we are praised for our efforts and good work, we automatically want to do more of the things that keeps the praise coming our way. We do it as parents to our children, employers do it with their employees and partners do it with each other. It is a strategy that works, we praise people and get more of the results we want from them. 

Isn't it then expected that when I discover what works I can use the same tactic to manipulate any situation? So people pat us on the back and offer praise but it's done because of what they get out of it and from you as a result. When you tell me how great I am, doesn't that build in me a need to constantly measure up to your definition of this greatness so you can continue seeing me in that way.  At the same time, do I not risk become your indirect slave because your opinion of me means so much? 

It's a process that can lead one to losing their true motive for doing something. We can get so lost in the cheers and applause that the reason for doing what we are doing is lost in the hype. That we now live for the reaction rather than our true calling and purpose and this loss in direction can create a hunger that never fills. That's why some people always need to be at the forefront of things, taking centre stage - it’s that or nothing for them. If they are not seated at the front row to soak in the spotlight and applause, they will not show up. They are basically not interested. 

This hunger then turns to greed and greed turns to ego and before you can even blink, this person has lost sight of what matters. They are doing what they do for all the wrong reasons. Today I want to ask you to go back to a time before the spotlight and ask yourself what drove you. What called you? What was your purpose and intention? 

When you find the answers to those questions, ask yourself if that is still the sole reason you are doing what you do. Are your actions still aligned to your purpose or have you become so consumed with glory and applause that it's become your only reason for waking up in the morning? Choose to answer this with complete honesty because that's the answer that could possibly save you from being consumed by the cheers and losing focus of what it needs to be all about. 

THANK YOU LIFE

I have this overwhelming urge to write to you but I don't know where to start or even how to say what is in my heart. You see its been so long, with only silence lingering between us and I never thought I would ever feel the need to say anything to you. You have broken my heart and often times acted like you didn't care, that it didn't bother you that I was hurting as badly as I did. You sometimes took my dreams and trampled on them like they were nothing, like I was nothing. I had been angry with you, despising you and wanting nothing to do with you at times.
But today I don't want to write and tell you about how my heart bled. I want to write to you because I want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving me a gift that was so hard to understand at the time,  a gift that didn't even look or feel like a gift in the beginning. I want to thank you for the places in me that you broke, because they allowed something with so much value to emerge. I want to thank you for killing the little girl who was naive because fro m that a woman with so much hope was born.
I just want to thank you LIFE. For introducing me to the person I am today. #RLG

EXTRA INFORMATION

My book Stepping Out Naked: Lessons learnt from wounds exposed is out.
Email rlglenkoe@gmail.com to get your copy.

PLUG INTO THE RIGHT POWER

It's the worst thing ever, well that is what it feels like in that moment. When you are expecting an important call, having that needed chat with a loved one or simply scrolling your timeline and then your phone makes that beeping sound. GOSH!!!! Battery low! The slight panic that sets in and you realise you don't have a charger. You will try every charger there is available even the ones you know don't work. You just hoping for a miracle at this point. You willing to plug into anything. Are you doing that in your life? Our desire to make it can tempt us to plug into anything and anyone, discarding our values and even forgetting what it was we intially wanted to do. You are racing against time and competing with people you shouldn't be competing with. You make alliances with people who don't stand for what you stand for because you are told they are the people with the connections and they can help you win at this life thing. But at what expense??? A USB cord may charge my Samsung but it will never charge it as quickly as what the original charger would have, so I have power but it won't last half as long as it would have with the original charger. So the connections you think you have, the ones that cause you to turn a blind eye to things that matter. They may give you power now but is it sustainable? Trust God to plug you into the correct places and people, at His appointed time and don't be tempted by fleeting promises. Let Him who Has called you finish the work that He has started in you. Refuse to plug into things that drain your power, things that aren't genuine. Wait on God and let Him choose where you should be plugged in in order to go where He wants you to go. 

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL BUT VICTORY IS INEVITABLE

A seed struggles through the soil to become a flower. A caterpillar struggles through its cocoon to become a butterfly. A  foetus struggles through the birth canal to become a baby. And so we struggle through the seasons of life to become what we need to become.

It's a comforting thought to think what life would be like of we didn't have any battles and struggles but that's also a self defeat thought. Whenever I thought I was at my lowest in life, I was actually just going through the birth canal that gave birth to a better and more mature individual. Looking back I couldn't have been half the person that I am if I wasn't knocked down too many times to even remember.

The moments in our lives that have us doubting our existence usually turn out to be the moments that actually reveal to us the purpose for our existence. I don't write this blindly and I dont write it with oblivion regarding just how testing life can be. When you find yourself in those dark seasons where you don't recognise the light in yourself let alone in others. When you try but it feels like every effort is blocked by some unknown force and you are not sure whether things will work out. 

Occasionally we find ourselves in these moments that don't make sense, that take everything in us to get through even though we feel like there is nothing in us to keep fighting. In these moments we cry out the loudest but it seems that no one can hear us and we resolve to die in silence because that's less tiring than reaching out and having no one to hold your hand on the other side of the darkness. 

The moments of darkness can be so deceiving, feed us lies that seem like the truth. When it's dark we have no way of seeing what is in front of us but that doesn't mean that there's nothing there. We may feel like we are drifting alone in a vacuum thats sucking every good thing out of us and we likely to believe that no one sees but that's also not true. On the other side of the darkness are the people who love and care for you, watching with tears in their eyes because they are saying stretch out just a bit further but you don't see them passed the darkness that surrounds you. There's a God besides you in the dark, patting you on the back and trying to soothe you but the coldness of the dark moments have made you immune to His touch yet that doesn't take away the fact that He is there. In the dark, you fail to see those waiting eagerly at the finish line, they may not see you but that doesn't take away the hope they have that any minute now they will see you appear, torn and battered but with just enough strength left to drag yourself to the finish line. 

Don't let the dark moments blind you to the light that is coming, if only you have the will to try one last time, to give it a final push because that is the push that holds your breakthrough. I know life can hurt but I also know of the inexplicable joy that exists in it . I know you are tired but I also know that deep in the reservoirs of your being lies enough courage to take one more step. Life has struggles but victory is always inevitable to those who don't let the darkness win. 

MAINTAIN YOUR CONTROL

Life doesn't always ask for our permission to happen. We make all the plans in the world and sometimes I think it just watches in amusement and decides to spin things around. The lesson here is that we are not always in control and we have to learn to ride the wave from whatever angle it comes.

As much as this is true, I want to talk about a few things that we do have control over and the importance of maintaining that control for the sake of our sanity. I for one don't handle stress very well and while I have had to learn to keep my stress within acceptable lanes, I have also learned that I can feed things in my life to lessen the stress.

1. Your environment. For me that is my home and who and what I allow into that space. Not everyone has the privilege of having a conducive work environment, not with the work load and conflict with colleagues that you may face but what happens in your home, that you have control over. You may spend your days putting out fires but when you go home at the end of the day, that should be the space where you have peace and security. The place where you should be able to take off the burdens of the world and just be. Your home should be your sanctuary. 

2. Your relationships. There are people in your life that you have no choice but to co-exist with no matter how strained the relationship is but not everyone in your life should reflect that. You have a choice about who you allow in your life and whether to accept what they bring to the table. The older I get the more deliberate I have learned to be about who I allow in my life and the less scared I've become to burn bridges especially those that lead nowhere. I choose to give my time and efforts where they are reciprocated and to be okay with walking away from situations that are not beneficial to my peace and sanity. It's become important for me to invest of myself where I know there will be returns and I now know that the right relationships would never ask anything of me that they were not prepared to give in return.

3. Your time. Time wasted can never be regained so one has to be conscious of how they spend their time and what activities they engage in. You have to know that you can't honour every single invite for lunch especially when it means sacrificing other important things that you could be doing with your time. Important could be relative in this context because you may not understand why someone declines a lunch date to go sit at home but for me it could be important because being a working mommy who is also studying, late nights and weekends away from the house become a norm, a day off doesn't always equate to a lunch date but an opportunity to lie in bed the whole day with my daughter and watch cartoons. Not only that but I'm conscious of what I spend my time watching, reading or listening to.

Maintaining control in these 3 areas of my life has allowed me the strength and peace to be able to deal with those things in my life that I cannot control. We are not completely helpless to what happens in our lives and sometimes it is making small changes that allows us to see the bigger ones. Cultivate a life that feeds your peace instead of living life dealing with one stressor after the other. You are not in control of everything but choose to steer the wheel in the direction you want in those things that you can control. 

FITNESS STRUGGLES

Last year I wrote a blog about when life happens to you while you are trying to live a healthy lifestyle and lets just say that piece didn't do much to motivate me, in fact I totally gave up the idea of healthy living after I wrote it. 

Naturally then the worst followed and before I could even snap out of it I had boobies on my back. My clothes didn't fit but instead of doing something about it, I kept feeling sorry for myself and the weight piled on. My eating habits didn't help much either. Beginning of this year while doing a series of posts on my BORN TO CONQUER page about conquering thyself, I had to take an honest look at myself and admit to all those things in my life that I wanted to change and my weight was one of them.

I started the year weighing just over 80kg and it is not pretty. I don't like how it feels and worse how it looks.  So I made a commitment to myself to end this year weighing 65kg and the work began for me. I started by downloading videos on my phone and an app that tracks my distance and time everytime I go jogging. I'm proud to say that I've been active for 5 weeks straight, that means 5 times a week consistently I have either run or done half an hour of exercising,  anything from skipping to squats to abs. This is the longest I have been consistent with any form of working out in over a year so that's progress. I have gone from running 5k in about 40 minutes to now doing it in just under 30 minutes. And yesterday I did 12km in an hour and 10 minutes which is my farthest distance to date. And you know what people told me about once I start and commit to it, it will be difficult to stop, they were right. It's not easy, waking up at 5am to go running it's still a mission but I am forging ahead and every time I manage to go further than I did the last time, I become encouraged to go even further. 

I haven't been able to stay off the junk food completely but that is a work in progress and my biggest battle still remains walking away from a glass of Coke but even that is not enough to discourage me. You see what the last 5 weeks have taught me is that if you can win the battle in your head then you are halfway there. It really does start with telling yourself that you can beat the limitations that exist in your head. 

My biggest supporter through all this has been my fitness crazy friend Allo Love, who has always told me that it's doable even when I didn't believe it and I don't think she knows just how it motivates me sending her screenshots of my new records and having her celebrate that with me. I am thankful for her support, it keeps me going. And every time I log onto that Nike App and see that she's put in another run, I can't help but be inspired to jump out of bed and do my part.

When I started this journey I made a vow to stay off the scale. I don't want to become obsessed with numbers and reaching my goal weight so unfortunately at this stage, I can't share if I have lost any weight. I don't look any different from when I started and my clothes still don't fit but I feel alive and I feel like I can conquer the world. When this year ends, I vow to myself that I will be wearing shorts and I am not giving up till that happens. The journey continues and everyday that I wake up and run or skip or do some aerobics, I know that nothing but what I tell myself and my level of commitment will stop me from reaching my goal. 

WHAT DO YOU NEED TO WORK ON????

The last few weeks leading up to 2016 I think the phrase that I have said the most to everyone I spoke to was that I can't wait for the New Year to start.  I still don't have the words but I am excited about this year and the endless possibilities that are in front of me.

Besides the fact that this is my final year as a social work student and this means it won't be long now before I step comfortably into a role that I've been working towards for the past 2 years. There's also the excitement of launching my first book, Stepping Out Naked: Lessons learnt from wounds exposed (call me or drop me an email on rlglenkoe@gmail.com if you would like a copy of the book), a book that took me just over a year to wrap up, it's about my experiences and lessons learnt from those experiences. These are just the tip of the iceberg for me because I feel like there is so much in store for me this year.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, there's always that sense of excitement that comes with a new year and starting over and trying again if we had previously failed. Often we think that a clean slate is all we need to accomplish the many things that are on our list and we make plans, the date changes but we don't.

We remain the same people, with the same self-destructive habits and thoughts that we had in the previous year. Then we get shocked that a new year didn't bring with it all the changes that we hoped for. As much as I feel like this year is going to be different, I also realize that there are things that I need to work on and change before I am able to live out my dreams.

You see if we don't change then a new year doesn't change anything in our lives. So you need to be asking yourself beyond making a list of all your goals and jotting down those steps that will enable you to reach them, what do you need to change about yourself or work on in 2016?

Failure to ask this question and answer it honestly only means that, you may become your own barrier. The very thing that stops you from attaining your goals. If you don't question your habits, your thoughts and your surroundings, you may just end the year in the same place that you started in. It's important to realize that for life to change you also have to do your part and the part you need to play involves more than just knowing how you are going to achieve your dreams, it requires that you also change. 

What habits do you have that are counterproductive? Is it an inability to keep time, spending too much time talking and not doing? What negative thoughts do you need to discard? Do you want to achieve something in your life but privately telling yourself that you can't? That you are not good enough or even worthy? What are you surrounding yourself with? Are you wasting your life going to a job that you hate? Are you keeping company with people who inspire you to grow or people who tell you to play it safe?

If the very same things that held you back in 2015 are still in your life, do you realize how life cannot change for you nor can you produce different results. As I was writing down all the things that I want to achieve this year, I asked myself these uncomfortable questions about what I needed to work on to ensure that I was someone capable of achieving the things that I wrote down.

And here's my answer. And I am sharing it with you so I can hold myself accountable throughout the year.

1. I need to learn to be still. Life will throw you curve balls and your patience will be tested. It's a natural reaction to want to respond to everything and defend oneself but this year I want to learn to be still. To breathe before I react to anything and ask myself, is it important or worth it. I want to learn that everything is not worth a response and sometimes we have to be willing to lose the battle so we can win the war. The trick this year is not to get worked up over things that don't matter.

2. I am enough and I am capable. I want this to be my mantra, my affirmation and a reminder that every day I wake up, I am doing what I can and that’s okay. I want to walk in this knowledge and never doubt myself.

3. Peace. I want to have peace and live with peace in my heart. Life reflects back to us the things we may not be willing to acknowledge and I know now that a chaotic life is just a reflection of what's going on inside. If I can live with peace in my heart, the people around me and my surroundings will be a reflection of that.

So what do you need to work on and change to make 2016 your best year yet? Be honest with yourself and when you have the answer commit to making those changes so you can achieve the goals that you have set for yourself. You cannot conquer the world without first conquering yourself. You have to change so the things and people around you can change.

Wishing you love and life in abundance. May 2016 be the year that you conquer.