WAIT OUT YOUR FRUSTRATION

A few years ago I had the "pleasure" of having one of these guys who pursue you relentlessly in my life. It didn't matter how many times I had told this guy no, he refused to give up. During the third year of his pursuit I reasoned in my head that I could never find someone who loved me as he did, I mean the guy had been consistent in his pursuit for three years that could only mean he did genuinely love me (my reasoning was at that idiotic point). 

So I began entertaining the thought of giving him a chance. Another reason was I had been single for over two years and I was honestly tired of waiting. These are the things we don't talk about though, because we have to be strong women who don't need or want a man and who can never admit to the world that sometimes you crave to love and be loved in return. I shared my thoughts with my sister, who gave me a long list of reasons why this man was not the right person for me and she ended that conversation with the assurance that whatever I decided, she would support me because all she wanted was for me to be happy. 

The truth is everything she told me that day, was everything I knew but I was reaching a point where I was willing to overlook those reasons because I was frustrated in my current situation. Many of us are now dealing with the consequences of making permanent decisions because we were temporarily uncomfortable. We get tired of waiting so we take whatever is offered in moment and when we eventually wake up, we are knee-deep in situations that we could have easily avoided. 

We become tired drivers in the journey of life and because we are so desperate for a break, a moment of rest, we let other people take the wheel and drive us where we think we want to go. For a moment it's a relief, just to be able to rest and escape but the challenge kicks in when the fatigue wears off and we wake up to realize that those we trusted to take the wheel are driving us to a destination that we don't want to go to. 

Now you realise that the person you are married to, in a relationship with, the job you left, the position you took etc was not what you initially wanted but you had let your desperation and fears dictate the choices you made because you grew weary of waiting for what was specially tailored for you. You find yourself stuck in places and relationships that are not for you and you are suffocated by the idea that you need to make it work, which turns into you settling for what you don't want. 

It is not easy to wait it out more so in an era where we are always bombarded by the achievements of others and their picture perfect lives but it is just as difficult to wake up with the realization that you moved in haste and made impulsive decisions. It is as frustrating to settle for the illusion of what seemed appealing in a moment of desperation and now waking up daily knowing that every fiber of your being is fighting the place that you now find yourself in. 

If you are wondering what happened to that guy, I came to my senses and I realized that I would only be setting myself up for failure by going into this relationship and ignoring all the red flags that were before me. I resolved to wait even if it was not comfortable to do so. I may still be waiting and even on the days that I am feeling uncomfortable, I know that I would rather wait then wake up to decisions that I regret. 

Trust that what is ahead is better than what you are experiencing. Give yourself permission to wait despite how it feels right now and wake up every day knowing that what you choose and who you choose is not out of frustration and that you are not settling in any way. 

Light and Love

RLG Lenkooe

#Phoenix

PART 2: SINGLE PARENTS

Last week I shared briefly about the pain of a woman finding herself in a position of raising children alone and I wrote that this week I would touch on being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting as well as challenges faced by single parents (as they came out of the workshop that was held).

Before we get into it, there's something I would like to address that came from a Facebook comment where the link to the blog was shared. Not directly quoting what the lady was saying, she raised a question regarding these workshops that we have for women and why the men were not part of this dialogue - she felt that raising children was a responsibility that was placed solely on women whilst we continued to excuse the men from showing up. (This was how I understood the comment).

It was a valid question and something I did touch on in the previous blog when I asked who is speaking to the men and addressing their pain and hurt to ensure they became whole individuals who could step up and show up for their children. I can only speak from the position of being a woman, one that has faced the struggles of being a single parent. I fully agree that these dialogues NEED to happen amongst men but I don't consider myself the person to do that because I don't speak or write about anything I don't have experience in.

I don't know the struggles that men go through, what prompts them to abandon their children etc. If I had the opportunity to work with men in this regard, I would do so but until then I share with women, from a woman who prefers to speak from a combination of a textbook and life experiences. That's my response.

Let's get to it!

Being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting:
There seems to be some confusion around these concepts. May I also add a disclaimer and say the definitions to follow may not be found in your Oxford dictionary but what I understand and hopefully that will clear a few misconceptions.

Being single~ ideally refers to a state of not being married but is also commonly used to refer to people that are not in a relationship.

Single parent ~ can be a man or a woman raising a child or children on their own, without emotional or financial support from the other parent.

Co-parenting~ refers to a partnership between two parents who are either not married, in a relationship or divorced. Both parties contribute towards the upbringing of the child and make joint decisions regarding the best interest of the child/children.

Now for me, people get it twisted when they are not married or in a relationship but in a co - parenting relationship and yet label themselves as single parents. I am of the belief that two parents not being married or in a relationship (co-parents) can raise children together and if both parents are actively involved, they are not single parents. A single parent is or should be someone handling the emotional and financial aspects of raising children on their own, without any assistance from the other parent.

This is not written in stone but I hope that it at least gives someone something to think about before they refer to themselves as a single parent.

Challenges faced by single parents:
~ financial stress
~ work and responsibilities overload
~ burnout
~ not enough time to handle responsibilities
~ inability to show up everywhere in all areas for the children
~ socializing the children (e.g a mother raising boys)
~ what to tell the children about the absent parent (to be discussed in the next blog)

There are obviously more challenges that could be stated but the above were the most common ones that came up during the workshop. No two situations are the same, depending on the context and situation of the single parent, the challenges may also differ. The solutions will therefore also differ, there is no universal solution to every challenge.

Surrounding yourself with a strong support system is one way to ease the burden that comes with being a single parent. There are always people available to reach out to, even when they don't come in the conventional or traditional form.

SIDE NOTES:

1. Next week we talk about explaining the absence of a parent to children and being weary of the kind of language we use around children.

2. My book Stepping Out Naked is available. Email rlglenkoe@gmail.com to place an order.

RLG Lenkoe

PART 1: SINGLE PARENTS

On Saturday (04/03/17), I travelled to another town to conduct a workshop for single mothers following a request from someone who had read my book. I left the house that morning in high spirits, excited about my plans for the day and what would come out of the workshop.

When I arrived at the venue, the first thing I noticed was that a large portion of attendees were old women and that scared me a bit. I don't know what it is about a crowd of people older than me that always sends me into panic mode, probably the thought that they by virtue of their age know so much more about life than I could ever teach them. I mean most of these ladies have probably been parents long before I even thought about having a child.

Excuse me, I've deviated from the topic. So the workshop commenced with a word from the scripture in true older generation format and it was now my turn. We started off with an ice breaker, two main activities that I had prepared - one on problem solving and the other on building trust with the people amongst you. Activities work well in situations where a sensitive issue is going to be discussed, the trick is to let participants let down their guards and share in an open and safe environment.

When the time comes to really go into the nitty gritty stuff everyone is already comfortable with each other and can hopefully express themselves freely. However no amount of preparation could have made me ready for the stories that came out of the session. It was a struggle to hold back the tears as one by one these women broke down as they told their stories.

Each one with different reasons for the position they found themselves in, the loss of a partner or spouse, a break up or divorce, a man who ran away from his responsibility - who had rejected not only his child/children but the woman who brought them into this world. The common thread was they were here, raising children on their own when this was not how they had imagined their life would be. The pain of a single parent. The pain of a woman who had no choice but to deal with the cards that life had dealt her with.

These women were my grandmothers, my mothers, my aunts, my sisters, my friends. Their different age groups showing that no one was immune to life and it's blows but also calling on each of us to ask ourselves what we were doing now to ensure that we were not raising children who would suffer the same fate. My message was simply that we needed to make peace with where we were because we can't keep the knife in the wound if we hope to heal but more importantly it was a willingness to forgive that would ensure we raised a better generation of adults who wouldn't need to be sitting in the same position in 10/20 years crying over the same things that their parents cried over.

I left the workshop on Saturday burdened and emotionally drained, not because I was feeling sorry for these women but because I realised the amount of pain people live with. What they are hiding behind their smiles and what the burden of showing up even when we didn't feel like it was doing to women. I wondered when it would all end? I wondered who was talking to the men and addressing their pain so both sexes can heal and thereby be in a better position to raise children better than they were raised.

But I also understood in that moment that we had to be accountable and that means taking responsibility for our own healing and making a decision that we wouldn't be victims forever. Not taking anything away from the pain of these women and knowing that it took more than one workshop and half an hour individual session to address years of pain, they had to make the decision to be better for themselves and the children they are raising. They need to come to a point where they acknowledged they cannot change the actions of another but they had the power to decide how they would handle those actions. 

                "Mothers - especially single mothers - are heroic in their efforts to raise our nation's children, but men must also take responsibility for their children and recognise the impact they have on their families' wellbeing"
                   Evan Bayh

Side Notes:

1.Next week I will write about the difference between being a single parent and a co-parent and the challenges of being a single parent.

2. Part 3 of this series will deal with how to explain to the children the absence of a father and watching how you speak to your children about the other parent.

3. Copies of my book Stepping Out Naked are available. Order yours: rlglenkoe@gmail.com

RLG Lenkoe