POURING INTO A HEART WITH HOLES - IT NEVER GETS FULL.

This picture and others similar to it, depicting the same message has been doing the rounds on social networks for a while now. Whenever I saw the picture, I would scroll right passed it. It didn't say anything to me, it wasn't worth my attention till now. Someone shared it and it somehow made an appearance on my timeline and something about it caught my attention and got me thinking. 

It was last year after a nasty break up that I first heard about "soul ties", I was listening to a show on radio on Sunday morning and the pastor was talking about these soul ties. How we never completely break up with people because we hold on to things and memories made and these things are then dragged into our present and future when we should have left them in the past. The pastor went as far as saying when you break up with someone, you shouldn't keep anything that would be a reminder of the relationship if you were serious about moving on. 

I wanted to move on, I wanted to forget but there was no way I was willing to give up the shoes I had gotten from that relationship. Silly right? I mean I was so angry with my ex that after he left, I burned all his clothes and sneakers that he had forgotten when he moved out but I was not willing to part ways with the shoes. Not yet anyways!  I had never heard about soul ties in all the years I had been going to church and this pastor was not about to convince me of anything. When you not ready to face reality no one can tell you anything and I certainly wasn't buying into this soul ties business.

Fast forward to a few months later, I'm at a Women's Conference and the speaker mentions soul ties and in the week that follows, a friend of mine on Facebook shares a video clip on soul ties. God are you trying to tell me something? You see I have never believed in coincidence, I honestly don't have a picture of God in my head, sitting and thinking how He can amuse Himself. So I believe everything happens for a reason, though we don't always know what those reasons are. I watched the video clip and for the first time I think I get what these soul ties are about, why we need to be weary of them and break them off when we realise that we have made unGodly soul ties. Until you really ready to hear what God is saying to you, you will miss all the ways in which He tries to speak to you. I think only when you clear the clutter in your head and life can you really hear what He is saying and has been saying all along. Soul ties! 

After watching that clip, I attended a workshop where my friend was speaking on soul ties. How we give of ourselves and get left with what wasn't ours to begin with when the relationship ends. When my relationship ended, I was left with indescribable guilt and shame and anger that had me thinking thoughts I can't even repeat to you reading this right now. He came and left me with all these negative feelings and thoughts that were not there, that I didn't want. And more importantly, he left me feeling like I was not enough for anyone to ever love me. I was saying I want to move on but behind closed doors I was looking at pictures of days gone by, stalking his social media accounts to see what he was up to and with whom. I was saying one thing while a large part of me was still hoping he would come back. It didn't matter that he brushed me off or spoke harshly to me when I made contact with him, I still thought he would come back to his senses and at the time, that meant him coming home - where I would welcome him with open arms, no questions asked. 

I made a vow to myself to remain single for a year, that is how much time I was giving him to get his act together. Days, weeks, months went by and the decision to remain single was no longer about him but who I was becoming and how I was starting to love the person I was looking at in the mirror. If you think my ex was solely to blame for the break up, you are wrong. I played my part too and played it well. I knew which buttons to press and on numerous occasions I went full on crazy on the guy. If I were him I would have run too. 

That's the beauty of taking some time out. Realising that you weren't particularly a victim in how the relationship played out. Knowing that you have to be still, to find you first so you don't end up giving of yourself to someone who doesn't deserve you. In the past  15  months I have learned so much about myself, the things I like and those I don't, the ones I keep working at to improve. Had I jumped into another relationship without taking the time to reflect, I would probably go into a situation that was doomed from the beginning. 

Going back to soul ties. Look at that picture and tell me it doesn't scare you. It doesn't scare you that you may be giving all you have to someone who can't give you anything back in return. That it doesn't scare you that every time you give a piece of yourself to someone and they leave,  you are left with less than what you had and eventually you may have nothing else to give to the person who will be deserving of your everything. It sure as hell scares me. 

I want to be equally yoked, I want someone to compliment me not complete me. I want to cling on to someone and be completely vulnerable and know they are giving as good as they are getting. I want someone to see parts of me the world knows nothing about and trust them not to use that to destroy me. I want crazy, raw love, the kind that we can't explain to anyone. I want someone who is afraid to lose me yet give me his heart like forever is guaranteed.I want someone who can't go a day without talking to me. Someone who dreams with me and works equally hard to make those dreams come true.  I want a Godly soul tie.

I realize to get what I have never had, I need to change how I have always played the game. I still have loads of work to do in me, so much to learn. I know I need to prepare myself to be the kind of woman who can accept and embrace what I yearn for because if I am not ready, I may push away the very thing I want when it arrives. I'm no expert on soul ties but I know I want and need a Godly tie, not just any relationship to pass time. Yes I am getting older but ultimately waiting is better than being an incomplete person sleeping next to a skeleton and using the bits of me trying to revive a situation that I should have never been in in the first place. I am willing to wait. Because now that I have broken those toxic soul ties and I am finally getting back what I had lost in them, there is no way I am going back to that life again. I'm not prepared to be the woman in the picture, giving and giving and getting nothing in return.  

CHURCH QUESTIONS

The past few weeks I have been questioning a lot of things when it comes to the church and the whole concept of Christianity. Maybe my understanding of church and it's purpose is flawed and I have had a rude awakening on that front. I always thought church was a place where we gathered as Christians to fellowship and encourage each other and that when I went to church, I was supposed to leave at the end of the day with a fulfilled heart and a feeling of restoration.

I have been experiencing quite the opposite for a long time. I've left church and wondered how could we pray for each other while we harboured such bitterness towards one another and how we could heal each other as children of God when we engaged in so much hate talk within the walls of the church. How do we lift our hands in church and shout Amen's during the sermon, yet leave at the end of the day and do the very things that the sermon and Bible warned us against?

I've also felt burdened as a Christian, like I had signed up for something I couldn't live with and practice in my own life. I couldn't admit that I struggled because I thought that would be an indication of my faith not being strong enough. So I do what we all do and hide behind scriptures and pretend to be a good girl. Yet that wasn't a true reflection of my state of mind because the truth is I still struggle. 

I struggle to keep my mouth shut when a fellow church member is put on the table for discussion in their absence, yes I gossip. I struggle to forgive and yet go to bed every night and pray to be forgiven as I have forgiven others. But that ain't the truth because I have yet to forgive people in my life for the things they did and those that they failed to do. I would sit in church and lift my hand in approval when the preacher reminded us that pride is a sin. In the same breath I am holding on to my pride and watching things around me crumble because my pride is bigger than making things right. You see I am a Christian whose been lying to herself and others because I was agreeing to things in church that I refused to implement in my interactions with others. 

I wasn't happy with what I got or even what I gave so a few weeks ago I stopped going to church because I was not willing to be a hypocrite and continue to shout what was not true to appease people and live up to their expectations. The problem was, I had committed myself to several roles in the church and knew that my absence would not be ideal but I had to choose. Was I going to hold on to meet the expectations and come home every time and moan about things that drained the life out of me? Or would I take the courageous step of putting myself first and stepping back? I chose the latter and maybe in the next person's eyes I wasn't brave at all, I was actually a coward who was running away. 

I don't know if I know for certain but at this point, I am still happier staying away although Sunday mornings bring me back to the reality of days gone by. Days when I would wake up in the morning, totally geared up to offer all I had to God and the church. I've been feeling a little lost, like my soul is just drifting about without a place where it belongs. I then resolved to visit other churches with the hope that I would find what I was yearning for. The first church on the list gave me something refreshing but I was still not certain I was ready to commit to it. Then it hit me a few days ago. 

It's not a church that I need its God. I didn't need to find another 4 walls that promised to be better than where I was, it was a deeper relationship with God that I needed. I was not in need of religion but a relationship. A relationship with God that would allow His plan for me to unfold. Who am I in Him? What is it that He wants me to do with my life? How could I serve Him with my talents without the burden of rules and regulations that He sure as hell didn't make up? What do I need to do to allow Him to heal me from the things that I struggle with? That's my journey. I need to build my relationship with God. 

Naturally that has raised questions about where I am and why I have stopped coming to church but I can't answer that because I don't have the answers as yet. All I know is what my heart yearns for at the moment is not to be found in any church or people and so I keep on praying for clarity and direction. I don't expect anyone to understand because this is between myself and God and when the time comes, He will point me in the right direction. 

For now I am just basking in the joy of not having to pretend.  The joy of finally being able to say yes I am a Christian but I still struggle and having the guts to bring that to God and let Him handle it on my behalf. The joy of not having any roles to fulfill and just waking up knowing that the only person I need to be right with is the One who lives in me and who walks with me everywhere I go. 

THE FALSE SECURITY OF SOCIAL MEDIA

The other day my sister posted the question, "Why are you on Facebook?" on her profile page and it got me thinking about why I was using the platform except for the obvious reason that I seem to be addicted to it and an hour hardly goes by without my fingers twitching to log on so I can see what people are up to and check out their pictures. 

I am on Facebook for a number of different reasons. 1. The platform is less intimidating than Twitter. 2. I get to follow pages and people I have an interest in, like the Social Work pages that give me valuable information on my field and cases that are making news. 3. I get to connect with friends who are far and get a glimpse of what they are up to without having to spend money on phone calls (maybe I am a bit of a cheapskate) but I have also build genuine friendships with people I met through Facebook, one such person is Allo Love. And sometimes the reasons for logging on aren't that wonderful, maybe I am just bored and need to find something amusing to grab my attention. 

We all have our reasons but I have also noticed that social media has given people a false sense of strength and perfection. We post pictures of when we look our best, we check in only when we are visiting exciting places and we seldom talk about our lows therefore creating the illusion that we have perfect lives. It's this false sense of perfection that people look at and want to compete with it. We are looking at something that doesn't exist in reality, well at least not in that sense and we want it for our own lives when the people we saw it from don't even have it themselves. So we are wrecking ourselves trying to live a life that doesn't exist because pictures and posts have lied to us. 

People are brave on social media, they say what they want, when they want to but meet the very same people on the streets and they suddenly have a mute button. People are happy and have perfect lives on social media, they wear expensive clothes and dine at the finest restaurants but behind closed doors they are lonely and don't have no one to turn to. Then they turn around and call society cruel and unsupportive but how can anyone offer you support when you showing us this perfection that we are struggling to attain ourselves? I don't want to be misinterpreted as saying people should splash their hurts and failures on social media nor am I saying the whole world should have a view of your entire world by simply logging on to Facebook but I am saying it's okay to show you are human, that you didn't wake up like this while your whole face is covered with foundation and concealer (is that what they even call it).

By all means post and show us only the parts of your life that you are comfortable with but don't use social media to hide from the reality that is your life because at some point you have to log out and face your demons. Live in and post in truth and open only the doors that you are okay with people having an opinion over. Because the truth is people will always have something to say and if you put it out there you can't be angry when people question it or have an opinion about it. 

Whatever your reasons for using these social networks, do so wisely and ensure that you are portraying yourself in the way that you want to be known. Don't contradict yourself and don't pressurise yourself by putting yourself out there in a way that is not aligned to the way you are prepared to act and behave at all times. 

To those who are looking on, don't ever assume that you know someone based on what they post because you will be disappointed. Live your life and run your race at your own pace,  never base your goals and desires on what you saw from someone's profile because you will be setting yourself up for failure and misery. 

Relationships goals and all this other crap we envy based on a picture that we saw on social media are not a true reflection of anyone's reality. Take it with a pinch of salt and the realisation that whether it is a relationship or a certain lifestyle you are striving for, they all have their struggles and not so beautiful moments and if you want to experience the perfection that you see portrayed, you must be able to handle the bad that comes with it too. 

Don't be fooled by the false sense of perfection you see on your page. Live your life only as you can, with sincerity and authenticity. It's way too much work anyways to wake up like this and act like you never get constipated and frown in the toilet when you trying to take a dump. Be real to you and no one else and let that attract likes not an imaginary life that lures us to click the like button while you live with the pressure of having to maintain a lie.