That is a place I am familiar with, at one point, my life was exactly that. I knew what I wanted, I knew what was right, I even knew the decisions that I needed to take but my heart was not playing along. It really did seem that my heart had an agenda of its own. A lot of time it seems that the right thing to do is often the most difficult and if that didn't make things hard enough, there is a rather blurry line between how our decisions affect us and those we love. Even in situations where you are wrestling with yourself, the fight or the outcome of it, seldom affects you alone. That means that in the decisions and choices we make, there are other people to think about and consider.
Naturally we want to put those we love and their needs before our own. It seems noble to do that, anything else is seen as selfish and definitely not how anyone who is loving would act. The problem with that kind of thinking is that it is flawed. There is no way, we are able to truly be all we can be to our loved ones unless we seek and find our own happiness first, as individuals. As a mother I know how it seems totally unacceptable to put myself first but I have come to realise that, the only way I am a good mother, partner and caretaker for my family, is if I am happy and have my needs taken care of. It is not selfish, I need to be a whole person in order to be what those around me need.
I was talking to someone who was at a cross road, to stay in a relationship so the child can be raised by 2 parents in the same environment or to leave and first seek their own happiness. It is never an easy decision to make and the more I thought about it, the more it echoed in my head that, we need to be complete first before we attempt to complete others. Of course it is easier to say and write, it is easier to judge when watching from the side lines but I say this with experience, I can proudly write it because I have lived it.
This is what I told the person at a cross road: No one can ever make the decision for you, nor can anyone else feel for you that it is enough. It is a decision that you have to struggle through on your own, it is a decision that means wrestling with yourself, fighting but still being quiet enough to hear the voice within you and what it says. That voice was put there for a reason, to whisper to us the things that God is not able to tell us directly, that is the voice that will never mislead you or turn against you. The voice says different things to different people, even if their situations may look the same. You make a decision that works for you and only you, once you have taken care of you, once you are happy, then only can you turn to care for those around you.
The only reason why we wrestle with ourselves is because we have been taught to put ourselves last, to look at the overall picture before making a decision, to consider the reactions of others and society before considering what will make us happy. The kind of life and world you want to live in begins with you.......not your child, your partner, your family
