WHEN YOUR SURVIVAL DEPENDS ON OTHERS: TREADING DANGEROUSLY

A few years ago one of my friends introduced me to The Invitation, a poem written by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. I went on to buy the book with the same title in which the poem is explained and explored in detail. It is one of those books that I always go to when I need to reflect and just question myself and where I am in life.

"It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."

The above hits me everytime when I read it because we place loyalty on this pedestal and though it is important to have and show loyalty, should it come at the expense of betraying ourselves? Should our primary aim be to keep the peace with others even when the decisions we make and actions we take to keep that peace causes us inner conflict?

With maturity and experience I have come to realise that school missed to teach us on the importance of validating ourselves. We don’t know how to pour into ourselves and this causes us to constantly seek others to fill us even when what they fill us with is poisonous, then we turn around and we are shocked at why we have become such bitter and vile people. We are socialized to be communal in our thinking and if we attempt to stand up for what works for us as individuals, we are frowned upon and seen as the bad guys. In the bigger scheme of things, it may seem like a noble act that we think of others before we act or make decisions but the danger comes in where it indirectly teaches us that we need to the approval of others before we can make decisions about things that matter to us. It builds dependence that others have to approve and affirm us and how we live otherwise we live in doubt of ourselves.

It has become increasingly important for me now to cultivate an acceptance of self because I want what people give me to be a bonus and not what I need to survive. If your survival depends on the affirmations and approval of others, your behaviour is automatically altered not to be what you are at peace with but to become more of what they approve of and applaud. I have also observed through people that I believe live for the validation of others, that I did not want to be that person nor do I want to live my life in constant hunger and need for others to validate who and what I am and what I do.

There are a few dangerous elements that come with being a person that is always seeking the approval of others and I have had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing it first had over the last few months.

1.    People who seek validation are not trustworthy

They can not only lie with ease but they are loyal to whoever and whatever feeds their hunger for applause and validation in that moment and if they have to betray anyone to get what they crave, they will do so without feeling any guilt. When they are with this person or group, they say what they need to say and do to fit in even if it contradicts what they had just said to another person or group the day before. You cannot trust these people, sad but they will hurt you without as much as looking back to see the damage that they have caused.

2.    People who seek validation do not know themselves

There is no way that they can because in any situation or group, these are the people that you find going in whichever direction that the wind is blowing. They will not stand up for how they feel or even express their personal views especially so if it means that they may have to stand alone because others do not agree with them. They either do not know what they want or who they are or they suppress what they know about themselves to be affirmed by those whose opinions they value. They pretend very well – they can be anything depending on who they are with.

3.    People who seek validation buy their way around

It is hard to develop genuine relations with people who seek validation, if they are not buying love, they are saying and doing things that they should not, that they do not believe in – just because they want to belong and be loved by certain people. They do not see themselves as worthy of being love for nothing else than who they genuinely are, flaws and all.

4.    People who seek validation will never feel bad for betraying you because they have betrayed themselves too many times to count

We often want to hold people accountable for falling short of acting in ways that we approve of, when they hurt us we want answers and we seek to understand or justify the very behaviour that has caused us pain. When dealing with people who seek validation, aiming to hold them accountable for their actions or lack thereof is futile because it is easy to betray others when you have betrayed yourself countless times before. How can we expect that someone that has failed to be true to themselves to be true to others?

We need to make the conscious decision to pour into ourselves because the level that we have met ourselves on will determine the level on which we can meet others. It should be a requirement that is just as important as taking care of ourselves physically and externally, we need to invest into loving and affirming ourselves, accepting ourselves whilst acknowledging the flaws that we still want to work on. Anything that we hope to get from others, we should first cultivate and be able to give to ourselves - in that way we recognise if the price is too much to pay for what others are giving us. If it causes us to suppress who we are, takes away our voices and turns out into beings that have to betray themselves in order not to be betray others - then the price is too hefty to take a gamble on. 

LEAP

A year ago I took a life changing decision to relocate to a different city and province. It was a scary experience, having grown up and lived in one town all my life I had no idea what I was doing or even if I was making the right decision. The hardest part of the entire process was leaving my child behind and wondering whether we would both cope with being away from each other. All I knew was that life often calls on us to make a leap despite the fear and the thoughts that aim to hold us back. I had to trust that I would develop the courage needed along the way if only I was brave enough to trust what lay before me and not what was familiar to me.

A few times in this process, I have wanted to pack my bags and head back home because I was wrestling with myself regarding the decision that I made and because sometimes life gives us what we ask for but not in a packaging that we recognise so we miss that our prayers have been answered because the response doesn't match up to the image that we had conceived in our heads. It was a constant battle.

However it was also in my time of doubt that I learned that God always speaks to us and gives us signs if we seek Him in our moment of doubts. Everytime that I got ready to hand in that letter of resignation, someone would come with a word totally oblivious to the thoughts that raced in my head but what they said would be the assurance that I was looking for. And it was in those moments that I learned that God had orchestrated this move and I was called to bloom where I was planted.

There were countless tears shed and just as many laughs that came. In a few months I was promoted to Senior Social Worker, heading a Department that just months prior I knew nothing about. Again I saw the hand of God upon my life and I learned again that when you function within your purpose, He opens doors for you that you didn't even knock on.

I am gaining invaluable experience in this journey and I have become a better person and professional because I was offered opportunities to grow and surrounded by people who believed in me as a professional despite my shortcomings. This process has also caused me to honestly reflect on myself and to become more aware of character flaws that I need to work on in order to make this a success and to also become an overall better person. I fail dismally at times but I am thankful for those around me who are patient with me and who daily allow me the space to grow, evolve and make the necessary changes.

I could have denied myself the beauty of all that I have seen around me if I had let fear and emotions control my decisions. You see sometimes you don't need to know all the answers, you just need to be prepared to take that famous leap of faith and trust that it will all work out as it should.

I reckon that we often need to discard our thoughts of how it's supposed to be and make it work with the cards that we are dealt with. And often the only thing standing between you and realising your dreams is the need to be in control and figure it out. Your willingness to step out of the security of what is familiar could be the gateway to living your best life thus far.

Take the plunge. You have no idea what is waiting for you on the other side of fear. I know for certain that as difficult as it was a year ago to make this decision, it remains to this day the best thing I ever did for myself as an individual and a Social Worker.

TOMORROW IS NOT GAURANTEED

This year certainly didn't waste any time getting down to business. One minute I was talking to a friend and they were saying that they love the space that I am in and we were saying that we need to milk the good days for all they are worth because we never know when life’s curveballs may hit you and affect your peace.

In what literally felt like the next minute after that conversation, my curveball came in the form of a phone call from a former colleague turned friend. She had been trying to get hold of me for the better part of the afternoon but I was in and out of sessions, couldn't pick up my phone and honestly didn't think much of it.

When I finally got a moment, I returned her call. She was sounding weird over the phone but not even in my wildest imagination could I have predicted what she was going to tell me next. A friend of ours has passed on.

I thought I was hearing things, I wanted her to explain in detail who she was speaking about because in my mind she couldn't be speaking about the person I knew. I spoke to my friend throughout the festive break, she was at home spending time with family and I was laughing at how she was stuck at home and couldn't go out because she had broken her leg and it was put on a cast.

She had just bought a car and was finally moving her son to Bloem to attend school there. That had always been her dream, growing up in a small town where good schools were few and far between. She had achieved what she longed for for years. I was so happy for her and we were both filled with excitement for the new year and the fact that both of us would be staying with our children.

We made a commitment to go on a weekend away in the new year because life had so many responsibilities that we hardly saw each other but we acknowledged that despite that we had to make time for those we cared about. Things were falling into place and finally all her hard work was starting to pay off. So how do I make peace with the news that she went to bed and that was to be her final sleep?

What about all the dreams that she still had? Who would now give her son the life that she always wanted for him? At the age of 31, how is it possible that it is the end? Wasn't this supposed to be the prime of her life? I mourn my friend and my heart bleeds for a child that now has to grow up without a mother.

In the two weeks following my friend's passing, two other people passed on here at work. One was a colleague's daughter, whom I had seen and interacted with at the office a few times - she was only 20 years old and had been battling with lupus. The other was a client, who had lost her battle to cancer.

I think we all know how fleeting life is but we forget and we allow ourselves to get caught up in petty issues that don't contribute anything meaningful to our lives. I found myself wondering, what if I died tomorrow? Would I look back on my life and say that I spend my days in a way that mattered?

Beyond the hurt and shock that came with death, it also gives one a rude awakening and probes you to think about life and how you are living it. We make so many plans and we have the tendency to put off what we need to do and want to do, oblivious to the fact that tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us. It could all be taken away in the blink of an eye and in a split second so much can change, almost leaving you disorientated.

I've wrestled with many feelings over the last few weeks but I can safely say that, though this was not a good way to start the year, it was a reminder to go into it with enthusiasm and purpose. To live each day with intention, to do what you can when the opportunity is still there and be conscious to the gift that is each day we live and we are still breathing.

Though I am still trying to find peace, learning to accept that never again can I pick up the phone to speak to my friend - I need to be grateful for the gift of life and make changes if anything I am doing now is not aligned to the legacy that I would want to leave one day when I am no longer around.

My hope is that we don't wait for death to knock on our doors before we realise that life is too fragile and too short to get caught up in the small stuff. That we don't live our lives consumed with winning the small battles that we lose the war of what our lives should represent when the curtains close one day.

Light and Love

RLG Lenkoe

#Born To Conquer

#Stepping Out Naked