PART 2: SINGLE PARENTS

Last week I shared briefly about the pain of a woman finding herself in a position of raising children alone and I wrote that this week I would touch on being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting as well as challenges faced by single parents (as they came out of the workshop that was held).

Before we get into it, there's something I would like to address that came from a Facebook comment where the link to the blog was shared. Not directly quoting what the lady was saying, she raised a question regarding these workshops that we have for women and why the men were not part of this dialogue - she felt that raising children was a responsibility that was placed solely on women whilst we continued to excuse the men from showing up. (This was how I understood the comment).

It was a valid question and something I did touch on in the previous blog when I asked who is speaking to the men and addressing their pain and hurt to ensure they became whole individuals who could step up and show up for their children. I can only speak from the position of being a woman, one that has faced the struggles of being a single parent. I fully agree that these dialogues NEED to happen amongst men but I don't consider myself the person to do that because I don't speak or write about anything I don't have experience in.

I don't know the struggles that men go through, what prompts them to abandon their children etc. If I had the opportunity to work with men in this regard, I would do so but until then I share with women, from a woman who prefers to speak from a combination of a textbook and life experiences. That's my response.

Let's get to it!

Being single vs single parenting vs co-parenting:
There seems to be some confusion around these concepts. May I also add a disclaimer and say the definitions to follow may not be found in your Oxford dictionary but what I understand and hopefully that will clear a few misconceptions.

Being single~ ideally refers to a state of not being married but is also commonly used to refer to people that are not in a relationship.

Single parent ~ can be a man or a woman raising a child or children on their own, without emotional or financial support from the other parent.

Co-parenting~ refers to a partnership between two parents who are either not married, in a relationship or divorced. Both parties contribute towards the upbringing of the child and make joint decisions regarding the best interest of the child/children.

Now for me, people get it twisted when they are not married or in a relationship but in a co - parenting relationship and yet label themselves as single parents. I am of the belief that two parents not being married or in a relationship (co-parents) can raise children together and if both parents are actively involved, they are not single parents. A single parent is or should be someone handling the emotional and financial aspects of raising children on their own, without any assistance from the other parent.

This is not written in stone but I hope that it at least gives someone something to think about before they refer to themselves as a single parent.

Challenges faced by single parents:
~ financial stress
~ work and responsibilities overload
~ burnout
~ not enough time to handle responsibilities
~ inability to show up everywhere in all areas for the children
~ socializing the children (e.g a mother raising boys)
~ what to tell the children about the absent parent (to be discussed in the next blog)

There are obviously more challenges that could be stated but the above were the most common ones that came up during the workshop. No two situations are the same, depending on the context and situation of the single parent, the challenges may also differ. The solutions will therefore also differ, there is no universal solution to every challenge.

Surrounding yourself with a strong support system is one way to ease the burden that comes with being a single parent. There are always people available to reach out to, even when they don't come in the conventional or traditional form.

SIDE NOTES:

1. Next week we talk about explaining the absence of a parent to children and being weary of the kind of language we use around children.

2. My book Stepping Out Naked is available. Email rlglenkoe@gmail.com to place an order.

RLG Lenkoe